holidays galore

This past Saturday was my birthday. I was not in the mood. The entire concept of celebrating "birthdays" is jaded to me now. The way I see it, 29 years ago my mom and dad were lucky. They were of the oblivious that knew nothing else except pregnancy=baby, and I was brought home.

I did not want a cake or a party, and my wish was granted. We did go out to dinner with another couple, who have been more supportive of us this year than most. It was delicious, expensive and very adult. We sat around eating fois gras and drinking cosmopolitans, people watching and chatting. It was a nice evening. Totally my speed.

So, my birthday ended up being a nice day afterall.

On Sunday I woke up to a surprise, AF had arrived. I was relieved as my cycles have been insanely irregular since Charlotte. 58 days, 56, 45, and now, finally 30. I feel like it's my body telling me that things are back to normal, that "trying again" is ok now.

M is a little less decisive about a future baby. He wants one, badly, but the whole HELLP/Pre-E scare was hard on him. To watch me go through what I did, to sit by and not be able to help, must have been really scary. He wants to wait until 2009 to try. I want to respect that, but the peak days of conception this month are going to be probably around Dec 28th, and I don't want to wait an entire cycle just for the sake of two or three days. I know that's silly on my behalf, and I know, even writing this now, that I'm being ridiculous, but I feel like I've waited so long already and the thought of waiting another month to start trying is so defeating. Time goes so slowly in DBL. Another month might as well be a year. I don't want to wait. I'm done waiting.

I have a couple of weeks to convince him so hopefully he'll understand.

We bought a glo.worm to give to a gift distribution charity for Christmas. I wanted to donate a gift that we would have bought for Charlotte to an underpriveged family, so M and I went shopping. It was no money, the thing only cost $10 or so, but it's cute. M saw it and was so excited- he had the old version of a glo.worm growing up and he didn't realize they were still made.

The only problem is, I'm getting attached to this glo.worm.

When we got it home and I looked at it closer, I realized it's about the same size Charlotte was when she was born. It's still in the box but I've been resisting the tempation to take it out and hug it. I feel ridiculous. I told M and he said that we should keep this glo.worm and go buy another one for the charity. Still feel ridiculous, at least my husband doesn't think I am totally losing it.

It's sitting on my desk and smiling at me right now.

Yeah, I'm losing it.

Tagged!

I've been tagged by Addysmommy! How fun!

Here are the rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog (copy and paste 1-6).
3) Write 6 random things about yourself.
4) Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6) Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Six random things about me:

1. I drive a sm.art car. Yes, one of those. And yes, I do feel safe.

2. I am obsessed with the food network. I can watch it all day long. I like cooking myself, but I hate cleaning up, and that puts a damper on things.

3. I love word games. Scr.abble, puzzles, anything involving words (although I hate solving clues, so I'm not into crosswords)

4. I have a master's degree in classical piano performance (no one goes into that field for the money, let me assure you!)

5. I have a pet hamster named Nibbles. I wanted a cat, M wanted a dog. Neither of us would concede so we got a hamster. He's getting to the end of his lifespan now and I really, really hope he's some sort of super hamster and lives at least another year or so. He's cute and he makes me smile, and he's one of the few things that does nowadays.

6. I've never owned a camera, but my inlaws own a professional camera store so it's kind of become a protest on my account. That said, I'm ready to cross over to the other side, so I think Santa might have a solution for me!

I'm not very good at the tagging aspect of being tagged, so have at it ladies if you haven't already!

Congratulations!

When I was pregnant, on bedrest, and still with only happy endings in sight, I signed up for every baby freebie and sample I could find online. Some of the samples arrived shortly before Charlotte. The rest are still coming.

Does anyone know how to get myself off of these lists? At least weekly I get a sample or book of coupons or a "feeding guide" or "sleeping guide". Congratulations! You should be sleeping through the night by now, and getting ready to move on to solids.

Today se.ars invited me to a special Baby's First Christmas photography session, and He.inz sent coupons for stage 1 baby foods.

It doesn't really upset me. I don't break down at the mailbox when this stuff turns up in the mail. It just feels like a waste to throw it all out. The edible samples I've donated to the food bank, but the paper is just being tossed (recycled, but still).

I've scoured the mailings for an email address or 1800 number to call to remove my name. No luck. They must really want to keep me on the list.

At least the email updates "Congratulations! Your baby is beginning to smile!" were easy to unsubscribe from.

Anyone have ideas? Or is it easier to wait it out (there can't be that much more, can there?).

Pity

So, where's your tree?

Oh, it's not up yet. Probably Christmas week. We're not doing much this year- just the tree. I'm not putting up my village or the rail garlands or anything. Minimalist, this year.

Oh. giggles. Well, you should put your decorations up!

This is the summary of about four different conversations I've had this past week from friends and family. Wondering about the lack of decor at our house. There are outside lights, bare along the eave. No wreath or garland or anything like that. Inside, nothing yet. Probably the 22nd or 23rd we'll half-heartedly put up the tree, in a different room than usual so it's not in our sight all day.

It's the reactions that have surprised me. Their surprise, first. Prior to the conversation there obviously has been no thought that Christmas will be difficult for us this year.

When I say, no, we're not doing that, I can see the glimmer of recognition across the faces, and then the Oh, combined with the same tone of voice that you would use with a child who's heart is crushed after dropping a cookie. Oh you poor thing, you'll come around.

The sympathy is gone. It's been replaced by pity.

It makes me so mad I could scream.

And the verdict is....

Good.

It was lovely actually. I love my ObGyn (and what a difference that makes). All of my tests had come back fine, everything was normal. My BP was way up there because I was nervous as all hell, but it was fine at home this morning so I know that was just the nerves. She thought so too.

So, I went through the list of questions, and she seemed genuinely excited that we're almost ready to try again. I was worried that she'd think it was too soon, but that wasn't the case at all. It was a nice feeling. We went through my questions about aspirin and calcium, exercise, heparin and my irregular cycles (of which she is not concerned at all). She sent off my referrals to our MFM and a haematologist. The ball is rolling.

I mentioned the stats our MFM quoted regarding the 30% chance of reoccurance. She was great about it; we talked about the obvious risks but she kept coming back to the 70% chance of making it into the third trimester. That was encouraging. Not falsely hopeful, but encouraging.

We were sent out with instructions to Call the minute you find out you're pregnant. I don't care if it's 6am on a Sunday morning. You guys really made my day today.

Yay for nice doctors!

So, now the next step is to actually GET pregnant. We're going to wait until after my next period (God knows when that will be, considering the irregularity of my period nowadays), probably 2 or 3 weeks. Then I'll be measuring everything and tracking and driving myself crazy with all you other deadbaby moms that are in the midst of it now.

Wow. I made it through the awful, awful, treading water stage and now at least there's something to look forward to. Sure, ultimately I could end up frustrated if I don't get pregnant, or heartbroken if it ends badly, but at least I'm moving in some direction.

A sense of relief today. How's that for a change.

And the doctor says...

Tomorrow we go back to my ObGyn for a follow-up appointment. This was scheduled 6 months ago at my postpartum appt, and at the time December 2nd seemed like an eternity away. Here we are. It has felt like eternity, that's for sure.

I'm about 20 lbs lighter than the last time I saw her, although still 14 lbs away from that coveted BMI of 25. It will have to do.

We plan to start TTC after my next cycle. I'm excited, and scared. Mostly I'm looking forward to feeling like I'm getting somewhere- these past 8 months of treading water have been long and tiring. I want to get this show on the road. We have a real possibility (about 1/3) of another dead baby and should that be the case, I want to get it over with. I'd rather be kicked while I'm down than climb all the way out of this hole just to be knocked back in it.

I'm looking forward to what she has to say. I hope she's encouraging. I hope that I leave feeling like there's a chance at a happy ending in all of this.

I'm stressing. I hope my BP doesn't skyrocket over there.

Christmas prep

Our local Santa Clause parade is this coming Sunday. Yay. We have been invited to a post-parade party that we're not going to. Big surprise.

As Christmas draws nearer, I realize more and more how it's going to be so hard. I am not in any sort of the Christmas spirit. My shopping is done, many gifts are even wrapped, but I am not feeling the holiday cheer.

As part of my church organist position, I direct the choir. I haven't had much energy to put into their Christmas prep this year. I've chosen all the sad carols to sing- In the Bleak Midwinter, See Amid the Winter's Snow, that type. They either haven't noticed or are too polite to say anything. We had rehearsal last night and I hated, really hated, preparing for the first Sunday of Advent this week. I do want to celebrate light. I am not, for the first time ever, looking forward to the mandatory Christmas services and socials and carolling. I have to take part, it's my job, but I've found a switch in my mind that allows me to go on autopilot for these things. My heart is not there.

My heart is buried with my baby in a cemetery across town.

As long as I can remember, I've thought January 2nd was the saddest day of the year. The parties are over, the lights start coming down, and we all settle home for another four months of winter, with no holiday in sight. That day was always such a horrible day. Now, I'm kind of looking forward to January 2nd, when the world becomes a bit more somber, matches my mood. The parties will be over, the carols already sung, and the expectations of celebrating will be over.

We;'ve made fabulous plans for New Year's, to give ourselves something to look forward to. We made late dinner reservations, just the two of us, at one of the best restaurants in the city. We made a hotel reservation at the best hotel, where we can watch the fireworks from our window. Just the two of us. A bottle of champagne. Kiss 2008 goodbye.

Every New Year's Eve the Babyland friends host a party. We all chip in for backyard fireworks and eat nachos and wings. We've been going each year as long as M and I have been a couple. Last year, I specifically remember K and I sitting around, pregnant, sipping ginger ale instead of sparkling wine, looking ahead to this Christmas, when the babies would be here.

One baby is here. One is not.

More and more people are asking when we will try again. I guess enough time has passed that it's become an acceptable question. I don't mind answering, but I know they're thinking that a living child will erase the pain we've had. Equalize it. Make everything ok, back to normal.

What no one understands is that only a small portion of my sadness is that I don't have a baby. I know, that one way or another, some day I will have a child. What devastates me day after day is that Charlotte, my sweet baby girl, will never, ever, have a life.

And that will never, ever change.

It breaks my heart that Charlotte will never have a Christmas.