This past Saturday was my birthday. I was not in the mood. The entire concept of celebrating "birthdays" is jaded to me now. The way I see it, 29 years ago my mom and dad were lucky. They were of the oblivious that knew nothing else except pregnancy=baby, and I was brought home.
I did not want a cake or a party, and my wish was granted. We did go out to dinner with another couple, who have been more supportive of us this year than most. It was delicious, expensive and very adult. We sat around eating fois gras and drinking cosmopolitans, people watching and chatting. It was a nice evening. Totally my speed.
So, my birthday ended up being a nice day afterall.
On Sunday I woke up to a surprise, AF had arrived. I was relieved as my cycles have been insanely irregular since Charlotte. 58 days, 56, 45, and now, finally 30. I feel like it's my body telling me that things are back to normal, that "trying again" is ok now.
M is a little less decisive about a future baby. He wants one, badly, but the whole HELLP/Pre-E scare was hard on him. To watch me go through what I did, to sit by and not be able to help, must have been really scary. He wants to wait until 2009 to try. I want to respect that, but the peak days of conception this month are going to be probably around Dec 28th, and I don't want to wait an entire cycle just for the sake of two or three days. I know that's silly on my behalf, and I know, even writing this now, that I'm being ridiculous, but I feel like I've waited so long already and the thought of waiting another month to start trying is so defeating. Time goes so slowly in DBL. Another month might as well be a year. I don't want to wait. I'm done waiting.
I have a couple of weeks to convince him so hopefully he'll understand.
We bought a glo.worm to give to a gift distribution charity for Christmas. I wanted to donate a gift that we would have bought for Charlotte to an underpriveged family, so M and I went shopping. It was no money, the thing only cost $10 or so, but it's cute. M saw it and was so excited- he had the old version of a glo.worm growing up and he didn't realize they were still made.
The only problem is, I'm getting attached to this glo.worm.
When we got it home and I looked at it closer, I realized it's about the same size Charlotte was when she was born. It's still in the box but I've been resisting the tempation to take it out and hug it. I feel ridiculous. I told M and he said that we should keep this glo.worm and go buy another one for the charity. Still feel ridiculous, at least my husband doesn't think I am totally losing it.
It's sitting on my desk and smiling at me right now.
Yeah, I'm losing it.
8 comments:
Happy birthday!
Go ahead & get another toy to donate & keep this one for yourself. You can always donate it later, if you like.
My dh always wished he had bought a little dress he saw in a store window for Katie. He kept wanting to buy it, even after she was gone. That dress haunts him to this day.
Happy Birthday! It sounds like you had a great day.
I say keep the Glo.worm and buy another one. There are few things that make us baby loss mamas smile, so if it does something to lift your spirits I say keep it! :)
I'm so glad your birthday had some happiness in it. I think you should keep your Glo.worm if you want.
I understand wanting to try again sooner rather than later (even if only a little bit later). We'd be trying again right now (seriously, it's a slow day at work and if need be, my office door locks) if my doc hadn't said we have to hold off for a few more months. Makes good medical sense and gives me time to get into better shape, but I hate the wait.
I also say keep it and buy another one. You deserve to smile!
Happy Birthday!
My birthday is this coming Saturday. I found out I was pregnant last year one day after my birthday. I'm not sure how I feel about it this year.
And no your not loosing it. One time I took a diaper out and smelled it for a really long time. I thought it smelled like baby. I thought I was loosing it then.
I think that if it gives you any comfort at all, no matter how small, that you should keep it. Buy another one to donate, or just hold on to this one. Either way, it's still really for her right?
Happy birthday.
happy birthday! i turned 29 a month after i lost hope and I did not want to know about it. i hated the cards and messages i received. birthdays in general just upset me now. as my daughter was dead on her birthday. here's hoping our 30th year is the year we welcome our second babies in to the world, and that we get to bring them home from hospital.
Happy Birthday, Heather! I'm so glad you got to spend it the way you wanted.
I avoid the baby sections of stores, all the little outfits and tiny socks make me really ache for a baby.
I remember Gloworms, sounds perfect. I'd keep it if I were you.
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