4 years

Charlotte would be four today. Amazing.

So, so much has changed in the past four years. I really don't recognize the life that was prior. I am now one semester away from my nursing degree; I am almost finished this term (only 2 finals to go) and then I have a summer full of full-time clinical experience, then the national licensing exam, then done.

I get a lot of comments from my clinical instructors, usually about 1) my "excellent" verbal communication skills, 2) my calmness, even in stress, and 3) my empathy for patients. Number 1 I can attribute to years of teaching and dealing with parents and students, but numbers 2 and 3 are all Charlotte. Little everyday stressors seem light when you have watched your baby die, and if the world can keep spinning after that, then surely I can be calm through a class presentation or with a challenging patient. After being the patient in the bed, looking eagerly up at a nurse for words or comfort, a smile, anything that would have made me feel human in those horrible post-partum days, it's easy to empathize with a patient or family member who's undergoing their own version of hell in the hospital.

So, sweet Charlotte, I thank you for those gifts.
(although I would trade them all for you in a heartbeat)

M and I usually go out for dinner to mark Charlotte's birthday, but he's been sick with the flu so a few days ago we decided to wait until he's better and my exams are over before going out. So, today is an ordinary rainy day, and I am home alone as Bee is at daycare, and M at work. I should be studying, but I find myself pensive.

4 years is a long time. A long, long time. Miss you baby girl.