Our local Santa Clause parade is this coming Sunday. Yay. We have been invited to a post-parade party that we're not going to. Big surprise.
As Christmas draws nearer, I realize more and more how it's going to be so hard. I am not in any sort of the Christmas spirit. My shopping is done, many gifts are even wrapped, but I am not feeling the holiday cheer.
As part of my church organist position, I direct the choir. I haven't had much energy to put into their Christmas prep this year. I've chosen all the sad carols to sing- In the Bleak Midwinter, See Amid the Winter's Snow, that type. They either haven't noticed or are too polite to say anything. We had rehearsal last night and I hated, really hated, preparing for the first Sunday of Advent this week. I do want to celebrate light. I am not, for the first time ever, looking forward to the mandatory Christmas services and socials and carolling. I have to take part, it's my job, but I've found a switch in my mind that allows me to go on autopilot for these things. My heart is not there.
My heart is buried with my baby in a cemetery across town.
As long as I can remember, I've thought January 2nd was the saddest day of the year. The parties are over, the lights start coming down, and we all settle home for another four months of winter, with no holiday in sight. That day was always such a horrible day. Now, I'm kind of looking forward to January 2nd, when the world becomes a bit more somber, matches my mood. The parties will be over, the carols already sung, and the expectations of celebrating will be over.
We;'ve made fabulous plans for New Year's, to give ourselves something to look forward to. We made late dinner reservations, just the two of us, at one of the best restaurants in the city. We made a hotel reservation at the best hotel, where we can watch the fireworks from our window. Just the two of us. A bottle of champagne. Kiss 2008 goodbye.
Every New Year's Eve the Babyland friends host a party. We all chip in for backyard fireworks and eat nachos and wings. We've been going each year as long as M and I have been a couple. Last year, I specifically remember K and I sitting around, pregnant, sipping ginger ale instead of sparkling wine, looking ahead to this Christmas, when the babies would be here.
One baby is here. One is not.
More and more people are asking when we will try again. I guess enough time has passed that it's become an acceptable question. I don't mind answering, but I know they're thinking that a living child will erase the pain we've had. Equalize it. Make everything ok, back to normal.
What no one understands is that only a small portion of my sadness is that I don't have a baby. I know, that one way or another, some day I will have a child. What devastates me day after day is that Charlotte, my sweet baby girl, will never, ever, have a life.
And that will never, ever change.
It breaks my heart that Charlotte will never have a Christmas.
8 comments:
As it should, Heather. As it should.
Do you what you must do to get yourself through the holiday season, your first without Charlotte. I hope you will be able to find some moments of reprieve from these awful feelings, but I also know that the emptiness we feel is so enormous, so consuming that, sometimes, we have to be swallowed up by it just to get through another day. Hoping you make it to the other side. I'll be waiting there for you. XO.
That first Christmas, I told my mother I could not attend Christmas Eve service (which I normally love). I cry over "Silent Night" at the best of times, & I knew that "Away in a Manager" would send me into hysterical sobs. I'm sorry that bowing out is not an option for you. :( Your New Year's Eve plans sound lovely, though! I'm glad you are treating yourself -- you deserve it.
I know exactly what you mean. It's hard that our friends and family think that having another baby is suddenly going to make us feel better. You are right that we're sad because we don't have our babies, but sadder that they will never experience all that we'd wanted them to. Every holiday is a reminder of what our children will never have and that's never going to go away for us. ((HUGS))
It breaks my heart too. I am sorry you have to go through this but one thing is for sure make sure you take care of you and try not to worry about everyone else. It sounds like you have good plans for the new year. I am looking forward for this year to be over. Hang in there. ((HUGS))
I'm just so sorry.
Heather I'm just so sorry. I had a brilliant Christmas/New Year last year too, being 6/7 weeks pregnant. I couldn't wait for this year to come when we'd have a gorgeous little four month old to entertain everyone. I don't know what we're doing this year. We have no plans. I want to get in to bed and just hide for the entire month of December, but something tells me I wont be able to do that.
The holidays are already hard here, too. Be as kind and patient with yourself as possible. I'm so, so sorry that all of these firsts are so painful.
I agree with you, Heather, it's that they will never have a Christmas, never take a first step, never loose their first tooth. All those things that I looked forward to when I was pregnant, but will never be. I'm also looking forward to January 2nd. When it will all be over.
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