So, a friend of mine, J., is visiting town this week. We went to university together, were great friends, and then had a stupid fight about three years ago and stopped talking for awhile. I hadn't heard anything from her until day 4 of my hospital stay, when she just appeared in my room, after hearing I was there. We've been close ever since. I can honestly say it's been the only good thing to come out of all of this.
She needed a chauffeur for a few errands, so I volunteered. We spent most of yesterday cruising around the city, and ended up at the mall. She got her watch fixed, I found a new pair of pants. Success all around.
Until.
We were on our way out when a woman and baby stroller caught my eye. I recognized the mommy, as did J, and neither of us said anything but uniformly tried to veer past unnoticed. It didn't work.
Heather! J! Oh my God! So nice to see you guys!
It was KL, another university friend, who I've only seen sporadically this year. The last time in January, when we were both pregnant.
She knew about Charlotte; we had exchanged a couple of emails after my delivery and before hers. I knew from her face.book page that she had a healthy baby girl, a little before Charlotte was due. She was basking in the glow of new motherhood.
There was no avoiding without coming off as rude. We went over, smiled at the baby (chewing on her stroller straps), made small talk. Congratulations on the baby, what is everyone doing now, that sort of thing. Then she started. And kept going.
Oh, being a mom is the best thing in the world. I so in love with her. My life was so incomplete before this and I didn't even know it. I don't want to leave her, ever. My husband is always trying to get me to go out and have a break and I don't want to. I'm with her every day, all day, and all night, and I love every second of it. She's the light of my life. I don't think I'm going to go back to work, maybe run an in-home daycare or something; I just can't imagine anyone else taking care of her. This is the best time of my life, I'm so attached. We can't wait to have more....
It went on, and on, and on. J (who is a self-declared baby-free zone), and I just stood there and smiled, and I'm thinking, she knows right? She doesn't forget what happened to Charlotte? I think I'm doing pretty good just standing here in front of this baby that's the same age Charlotte "should" be, and I don't need to hear the joys of motherhood. I don't need it rubbed into my face what I'm missing.
The conversation ended as soon as I could find an exit point, and J and I left the mall. Are you ok? she asked. I can just imagine how bad things like that must be. She was getting on my nerves and I don't even want a baby.
Yeah, really.
When I got home I was thinking, maybe she didn't know, maybe I'm imagining that correspondence from last spring. I went back through my email archives. There it was. The long condolence letter.
I really don't know what was going through her head. She adores her baby, clearly, and so should she. I adore mine too. Mine, however, will never chew on stroller straps or have her mommy talk to her in a sing-song voice, asking her to smile for the pretty lady.
In some parallel universe that could have been me. I could have been pushing a baby around the mall showing her off to acquaintances in full baby bliss. It seems so far now. I can't even imagine being able to do that. I'll never have that carefree sense of pure happiness. It's gone.
I was relaying the story to M last night. See? This is why I don't like going places. Just when I've managed to stand up straight again something so seemingly innocent happens and that's the end of that. People are so freakin' clueless. Clueless.
I want to go back and scream at her, See how happy you are? That's how sad I am! Feeling work in opposites, they really do. What can make you happiest in the world can also make you saddest. I'm on the sad side. I don't want to hear about the happy side. I really don't. Please shut up.
For a few days I'm going to hang out in baby-free zones, until my head is back on straight. On days like that I'm really reminded about how alone we really are IRL. How, unless you've been there, people really are clueless. Unbelievable.
5 comments:
Many new moms are so.... self centered, so wrapped up in their baby, they can't see what they are doing to others. It's similiar to how wrapped up in grief we feel, that we can't shake it long enough to experience a bit of their joy.
That being said, I have a friend like this. I swear, if I didn't know any better, I would think they are the same person. Except to her "being a mom is the best thing in the world" she added, I can't wait for you to experience it!!
Almost a year later, I still harbor resentment to her and she continues to send me insensitive emails. Most of them I just delete because no matter what I try to tell her, she will never get it, she is too self absorbed.
Sorry you had such an icky experience. J sounds like a lovely friend though, hold onto her.
xo
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this.
I've been reading through your blog, crying of course, and wanted to thank you for putting all of this out there. So many of your posts make me think, yes, yes, this is how it is, how it hurts, how we cope. I hate it that we're here, in these dark places, but I'm so grateful for your words - they make my own dark place less lonely.
Wishing like mad that none of us had to go through all of this, that we could all be clueless happy mamas snuggling our babies,
Erica
Yeah, people are clueless...I remember a few months after losing Abby a good friend of mine had her second child (who was born just three weeks before Abby was due).
She went on and on to me about how she didn't know what she would do if something happened to either of her kids...she didn't know how she would go on.
I told her, you just get up everyday because you have to...she got quiet and then said, but it's different for you. You didn't get to care for your baby so you weren't as attached. BIOTCH.
So again, people just don't get it. Hugs to you.
People are CLUELESS!! They are so wrapped in themselves they fail to see the pain of others. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. ((HUGS))
In my class Tuesday night (after a particularly bad day for me), a couple of my female colleagues were talking about their babies (or nieces, etc). One woman was saying that her 8 month old daughter (child #4) hadn't slept well for a month (and she put up a finger to her head and did a pretend gun shot). Everyone sympathized and group conversation when to babies.
We had been pregnant together, this woman and I, and she had even comforted me when I worried that my HG was hurting my babies. She has said not one word to me since classes started again. Not. One. Word.
It's so disappointing. I don't even expect it to be all about me, but a little sensitivity. Just a little. A word, or two.
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Glad you have a plan to take care of yourself.
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