What I really want to do today is get a big tub of gummy bears and eat until I feel sick and my mouth is raw and pasty from the sugar.
What I really want to do today is go sit in a bookstore all by myself and read read read trashy books and magazines until I fall asleep.
What I really want to do today is get on a plane and go somewhere ridiculously warm and push my toes through sand on the beach and sip on a frozen drink with an umbrella in it.
What I really want to do today is cuddle in a blanket on the couch with a set of dvds of a TV show I've never seen but that's really really good, and watch episode after episode. With the above gummy bears. It wouldn't hurt for this scenario if a raging blizzard was going on outside.
What I really want is for a friend to call and ask, really ask, how I'm doing and want the real answer.
What I really want is to rewind time about 7 months and rush into my doctor's office and beg for heparin, lie on my left side for the next number of weeks and see if that makes a difference.
What I really want is to go back to the day Charlotte died and scream NO! NO! and beg for another solution when they said she had to come that day and see if that made a difference.
What I really want is to hold her again.
What I really want, more than anything in the world, is my sweet baby back.
And that's the one thing that I'll never have.
3 comments:
I have at one time wanted many of the things you've listed on your "want list," but the two that I think every babylossmama can relate to are wanting to see your baby again/hold him again and wondering if something different/more could have been done to prevent the baby's early birth and/or their death. (((HUGS))
I wish I knew then what I know now.
I appreciate your comments on my blog. Thanks for the encouragement.
I could go for a frozen drink with an umbrella in it too.
((HUGS))
Hi, Heather, I don't know if you will see my comment since your post is from several years ago, but I just found your blog and wanted to say that I relate so much to your story and a lot of your feelings. I, too, lost my little girl between 23 and 24 weeks due to HELLP syndrome. It happened just a little over 3 weeks ago, and I am still really struggling on a daily basis with overwhelming grief--it's hard to know how to navigate myself through this new landscape. My feelings of guilt really compound the grief, and I, too, desperately wish life had a rewind button so I could go back and see if I could do anything that would change things. Like you said, I just want my baby back.
We also have something else in common: My husband and I named our little girl Molly. She was so beautiful and looked a lot like my husband, with the slope of his cheek, his long, blond eyelashes, and his little chin. I miss her so much.
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