Cemetery

Yesterday M and I went to the cemetery to bring the flowers we've had growing for her.

It took us way too long to "get around to it". I'm embarrassed to even say that. Some of the flowers were already finished in the pot, and we plucked off the dead heads before we loaded it in the car. Others are on their last few days. It wasn't the pot of glowing pink flowers I had originally planned.

It was our first visit since May.... we both agreed that was ridiculous and we should be there more often. But, why, really? Her body's buried there, she's not really there. We've glanced at options for her monument but both of us get really emotional and we can't bring ourselves to pick out an epitaph. We get so far and then one of us says I can't believe we're doing this and we put it away. My dad manages a company that produces monuments and he's mentioned it a few times; he's drafted the initial plans and that's as far as we've gotten. He stopped mentioning it awhile ago; I guess he's waiting for us to take the initiative.

Is anyone ever really ready to choose an epitaph for a dead baby? I want the simple line to let casual visitors know, well, that she was a baby, that she was loved, that she mattered. The generic epitaphs in the catalogues don't speak that to me. I don't want any of this "gone to be an angel" stuff. Someday soon I'm going to get my courage up and find something appropriate. I don't want to pick it out, but I want that monument in place.

The cemetery had re-sodded the plot since our last visit. The dirt evidencing a fresh grave is gone, replaced by grass. You'd never even know she was there. I hate that.

M said last night he might go visit the Baby friends soon. I told him sure, go on, but I'm not going. I can't put myself in that place; I feel pretty good right now. I'm not ready to open that wound again. It just hurts way too much. I got a reply from the email I sent to them; she worded it really nicely, included the line Take your time.... we're not going anywhere. So I will, take my time, I mean.

That might be a lot of time.