Doctor's Verdict

This morning was our long awaited appointment with my MFM. I was looking forward to it, anxious to hear our prospects for the future.

Basically, I have a 66% chance of having some sort of hypertension problem in our next pregnancy. I have a 30+% chance of developing severe preeclampsia in the second trimester again, which, would ultimately give us the same fate as we had with Charlotte. Heartbreak, no baby. Or a severely premature baby, if we're lucky.

So, 1 in 3. Pretty shitty odds, if you ask me.

I wasn't surprised, based on what I've read and from stories from others who've had a similar ordeal. Still, it's hard to hear.

The chipper resident came in first, whom I had never met, listing off the characteristics of our pregnancy with Charlotte, in way too happy a tone. I didn't need to hear that. I was there, I remember what happened. I hated hearing it in such a clinical description, with all the emotion, tears and feeling removed, just a trail of facts remaining.

It was so much more than what's listed on the chart.

My MFM was much better; she remembers, she was there for the whole thing. At the time she cried with me, held my hand. Today she was encouraging, but there are so many unknowns. So much that medicine still has to learn. We still have no answers, really.

I mean, we know why she died. Prematurity, growth restriction. We know my hypertension lead to all of that. But there's no way to fix it, it seems.

She said the main thing we can do is take a baby aspirin and calcium from the very beginning next time. I didn't start those this time until about 15 weeks, when the problem was evident. Dr said there's been some evidence that starting from the very beginning can help. I hope so. Controlling my blood pressure with meds helps me, but doesn't take away the effects the hypertension has on the baby. How frustrating.

I mentioned heparin. My OBGYN said at my post-op in June that might be an option. This Dr didn't think it would be necessary. She said my risk for blood clots would still be lower than 2% and it wouldn't be needed. I'm going to ask the other doctors. When we try again, I need to know that I'm doing everything I can possibly do.

So, now I'm being referred to a hematologist. Dr #5 added to the mix.

I asked if there's anything I can do now. She suggested losing some weight, getting down to a BMI of 25. I'm trying! I've been picture perfect with my eating and exercising 5 or 6 days a week. It's not budging. I'm over 30 lbs away from that goal and it's slow slow going. I've been up and down the same two pounds for about 6 or 7 weeks now. Another frustration.

So, we think, even after all this doom and gloom, that we will try again. After Christmas, while I'm at the university. I think that will be ok.

It's all just so complicated.