New Life/Old Life

I'm still here. Barely.

My pregnancy with Charlotte is beginning to feel like another lifetime, another dimension. Certainly not relevant to my day-to-day existence, three months later. She occupies my thoughts constantly, in a fuzzy way. The experience of her, of holding her, talking to her, feels like a dream. The part of my brain that cared for her, loved her, and planned and dreamed for her is shut off now, my psyche not allowing myself to go there. If it wasn't for the scar on my belly, I think I could convince myself it all never really happened.

I've had a good week, I guess. This whole sabbatical position has me in a much better place. I think they want me to play a recital as part of the "Faculty Series", which has me at the piano several hours a day in anticipation. I haven't practiced like this since grad school, and the familiar tingle in my fingers and intense concentration is welcome. The piano, for the first time, has truly become a retreat from the woes of my new normal.

I've been spending more and more time with my "old" friends, my music friends. In their artsy lifestyles many of them are still travelling the city on foot with a backpack, hopping from coffee shop to pub, recital to practice room. I used to be that. I gave it up for a house and husband and furniture from I.kea. I miss that life though. I miss thinking that my biggest concern was the phrasing in my Beethoven sonata, when $20 could last me days and days, and a "meal" could be a Coke and Snickers bar. I know I couldn't really go back; I enjoy having a house and car and the stability that goes with that. All the same, I do miss it.

I think the biggest comfort is that all my music friends are as far away from BabyLand as one can get. There's no long-standing debate of breast versus bottle, no "Family Fun Days", no talk of cycles, TTC, OBGYN's. Thank God. I am so, so greatful that I have this circle to help get me through this time. They're happy to jump in. They've been so supportive, much more so than my BabyLand friends, shocked and awed by the true horror of the last few months. And that feels so good, to have that support. To have friends who don't pretend everything is fine.

The only problem is, M doesn't have these friends.

He knows them, doesn't particularly like many of them. Finds this one too loud, that one plain weird. I met M when my artsy lifestyle was calming down. As we furthered our relationship, I found myself moving farther and farther away from my old life and futher into suburbia. I became friends with the wives/girlfriends of M's friends, who, while being very nice people, I did not share as many commonalities with as I did with my music friends.

So, here I am. I've thrown myself back into the arts circle again. M complains, almost daily, that I'm always "out for coffee" with someone or practicing. I think he feels left out. He spends his time outside, gardening, finishing our fence, that sort of thing. We do have some mutual friends that we spend time with, but our circles are only slightly overlapped. Right now I'm not comfortable with the BabyLand circle, but those are his people. I've told him not to wait for me; go visit when he's ready, I won't be hurt or offended if he can take that step before me. That's not his style, he likes to do things together. He might be waiting awhile.

I feel somewhat guilty that I have another group of friends to rely on when M doesn't, but I'm so grateful at the same time that I do. Is it fair to M? Should I be hanging by his side? Is that fair to me? I don't know.

Well, we'll keep plodding through the days together, and figure it out as we go.