We got back from San Francisco last night. Good trip, went by way too fast.
I think we both needed the change of scenery more than we realized. It felt, so free to be away. I could stop worrying about friends in BabyLand, I didn't check my email, I didn't have to cook or clean or buy groceries or any of those things. It was nice. We could slip into an easier mode, pretend our life was not really our life, and blend in with the throngs of tourists fighting to get on a cable car. It was refreshing.
M had to work, of course, the reason for our trip. But even that was a refuge for me- having those solitary hours to wander around a new city, take in coffee shops and bookstores at my own pace. Sometimes I just sat and thought, staring off into space. There was room to think in that crowded city.
I did not want to come back. Each leg of yesterday's flight brought us closer to our home, and with each leg I felt the sadness and heaviness returning. I'm tired today, from the timezone shifts, the travelling fatigue, and the emotional toll of coming home. Here is where all the sadness is.
I'm getting mixed reactions from family and friends concerning our recent prognosis from the doctor. It's not the reaction I was expecting. I was genuinely expecting everyone to "look on the bright side", to play up the fact that we do have a 2/3 chance of walking away with a living baby next time. No one has done that. Not even the most optimistic of acquaintances. After hearing the statistics, everyone has grown quiet, and mumbled something about supporting us through whatever decisions we make.
I know there are options. None of them are good. We can gamble, make the most of what we have to work with. "Try again". I think we will, but I'm dreading it. The anxiety will be overwhelming. Should we end up with another dead baby, I have no idea how I will handle that. No idea. But, I didn't know this time either. Does anyone ever know? Does a high-risk lostbabymama ever get to a point where she can visualize repeating the scenario and picture herself coming out on the other side? I'm not sure.
We could look at adoption. We could look at a surrogate. We could look at living child-free. I don't know about any of these things.
I know our next step will be to "try again". See how that goes. Knowing what we know now I hope we'll be able to put our best foot forward, give ourselves whatever chances we have. I'm not in a rush though. Next year sometime, maybe.
When we started seeing our psychologist she gave us a list of "typical characteristics of grief". Listed in months 2-4 was Obsession to get pregnant again. We passed the 4-month mark while in San Francisco. Immediately after Charlotte's death I definitely fell into the obsessive category- the raging hormones and the intense grief all begged for a baby, yesterday, now. The mandatory wait-time seemed endless. I couldn't fathom waiting that long for a baby. I remember saying to a friend, If we wait a year before we even start trying, it'll be 2010 before we have a baby. Too long, way too long.
It still feels like forever, but I can honestly say I'm not ready to be pregnant right now. This is Charlotte's time. I need to give her this time. As things stand right now we're thinking February or March we may begin TTC. Then the horror will begin.
I know I'm not ready for that horror just yet.
For you other babylostmamas out there, when did you think about trying again? Did you ever feel you could handle another loss? Or did you just hope for the best?
3 comments:
As you know, our odds are grim...we were told to wait a year to TTC and we did. When we started TTC again, I was anxious, asking all of the questions you are...both DH and I agreed that we would, because we know the worst that can happen and even though it would be devastaing, we've been there and we know what that is (I hope that makes sense).
I don't know if we can handle another loss, but the thought of not trying seems almost scarier. We decided that we didn't want to regret not trying.
We are both positive about a future pg, we've got really good docs on our side, a little lovenox, and a lot of hope. Plus, I feel confident about it knowing that I will be watched like a hawk...we are hoping for the best.
I am so sorry about Charlotte. My heart breaks for your loss.
I wanted to get pregnant again right away, I felt desperate for it. I am glad, now, looking back that I was forced to wait. Now at 9 months since my son was stillborn, I am ready. I know it will be filled with fear.
We all lost our innocence and fearlessness.
Thinking of you,
G
HOPE HOPE AND MORE HOPE!
I was told there is a 1 in 2 chance if we fall pregnant with a boy that we would end up with another 'sleeping baby'
I remember vowing to never have another baby after my son was stillborn. I already had my sweet Scarlett so I was 'blessed' but then the raging obsession to get pregnant again kicked in after about 6 weeks. We just dived in the deep end and went for it. I said to my husband if I wait I might never do it. I remember that I fell pregnant 2 months after my dear Christians death. We kept it a secret from our family until the day before the big test at 18 weeks. We did not want them to go through months of worry.
It was a hard, worrying time for us but I never gave up hope and I am now sitting here with a 6 month old baby girl :)
I will pray that your heart is totally consumed by hope and strength.
I think it so beautiful to let this time be Charlotte's. What a beautiful Mother you are :)
Much Love,
Carly xox
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