1 lb 1 oz, or 480 grams. That's where little bee is now. I measured well ahead of the 21w5d that I was supposed to be, and bumblebee has surpassed his big sister by 100 grams, even with three weeks of growing left to do before he catches up time-wise.
To say I'm relieved is an understatement. There's something about it that's so sad though, as I think about how small Charlotte really was, how far she was from real viability. What was so different? Unless this love.nox really does work miracles (and maybe it does), there's nothing that different in this pregnancy. I know what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty that all of a sudden my body has figured out how to grow a baby in the second trimester. Why it couldn't figure it out for her I'll never know.
Of course, the threat of pre-e, HELLP, abruption, all of that is still iminent. Growth could slow or stop at any time. BP is erratic at best. The past few days it's been steadily creeping up again, with bottoms over 100 occasionally. Probably an increase in meds soon. My heart is still doing that crazy irregular thing, and it's gotten a lot worse this week. It's driving me crazy. All of my doctors assure me it's benign, but it's extremely annoying.
From what I've read, 1000 grams is real viability. At the rate we're going, we'll hit that about 27-28 weeks. Six more weeks. Six more weeks. I can do it. Bee can do it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
21 and 4
I'm still pregnant. 21w4d now. Tomorrow is ultrasound #4, and if bumblebee is growing how he should, he will now be bigger than Charlotte was at birth. She was 3 weeks growth restricted so the size of a 21 week baby. So, so small. I have trouble with the fact that bumblebee is passing her, even though he must, he absolutely must. It's sad though, for some reason.
I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.
On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.
Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.
Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.
I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.
On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.
Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.
Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Have you ever noticed?
Some newborns are noticeably cuter than others?
A high school acquaintance had a baby boy a few days ago. The pictures are on FB, of course. The baby is, well, awkward looking. There are very, very few comments on the pictures, even though she has 900+ "friends". Usually the first pictures of a baby are flooded with "Oh he's gorgeous", and "What a sweet little boy" and things like that. Nothing on this one. I noticed the same fate with another acquaintance who had a baby last fall. The baby's nose was squished and someone actually had the gall to comment "If you think my nose is bad you should see the other babies".
Isn't that horrible?
Even though I'm still not in the "yay for you" camp when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I always comment on these comment-less pictures because I feel bad for the parents (who surely, and rightly, think their child is perfect) and the babies (who's awkwardness is probably the result of a tough delivery). It makes me sad that people won't even congratulate if the baby isn't anne geddes material.
People suck in general, you know?
A high school acquaintance had a baby boy a few days ago. The pictures are on FB, of course. The baby is, well, awkward looking. There are very, very few comments on the pictures, even though she has 900+ "friends". Usually the first pictures of a baby are flooded with "Oh he's gorgeous", and "What a sweet little boy" and things like that. Nothing on this one. I noticed the same fate with another acquaintance who had a baby last fall. The baby's nose was squished and someone actually had the gall to comment "If you think my nose is bad you should see the other babies".
Isn't that horrible?
Even though I'm still not in the "yay for you" camp when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I always comment on these comment-less pictures because I feel bad for the parents (who surely, and rightly, think their child is perfect) and the babies (who's awkwardness is probably the result of a tough delivery). It makes me sad that people won't even congratulate if the baby isn't anne geddes material.
People suck in general, you know?
Friday, June 26, 2009
20 weeks
Today it's 20 weeks for me, by my "slow" dates. I've been waiting forever for today. Probably not a big milestone for some (especially the normals), but according to the Canadian government, any pregnancy loss before 20w is legally considered a miscarriage, and after 20 weeks a birth (how horrible to have them draw a line like that!). If little bumblebee dies now, at least he will be considered a baby by the government. I find this oddly comforting.
Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.
My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.
My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
update
The little bumblebee is kicking away as I type, as if he's saying Don't count me out yet.
Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.
I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.
So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.
I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.
Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.
I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.
So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.
I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.
scared
Oh dear.
Bp is 167/113. Protein in my urine. Totally freaking out.
Called the ObGyn- on my way in to see her now. I'll post again when I can.
Bp is 167/113. Protein in my urine. Totally freaking out.
Called the ObGyn- on my way in to see her now. I'll post again when I can.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Shadow baby visit
Yesterday our BabyLand friends came to visit, to have a belated celebration of M's birthday. We offered to cook up brunch, and they accepted. I wasn't sure if they would be bringing little "shadow baby" or not, but I figured it was a distinct possibility, as I had been expecting them to drop over with her for weeks now.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)