Yesterday our BabyLand friends came to visit, to have a belated celebration of M's birthday. We offered to cook up brunch, and they accepted. I wasn't sure if they would be bringing little "shadow baby" or not, but I figured it was a distinct possibility, as I had been expecting them to drop over with her for weeks now.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
9 comments:
Oh Heather, I am so sorry. I had a baby boy here on the weekend who is four months older than Hope, and that was hard enough. I don't blame you for not going to the party, I wouldn't either. If I do see babies, it is on my turf. I don't need to go to baby houses and be reminded again of all we are missing out on. Annoying thing is, we have all that baby stuff, just hidden away in cupboards now.
((((hugs)))) all those activities would definitely be baby overload.
I'm proud of you just for doing it and making it through. And I'm so sorry that there's even a reason for you to be sad after. And I'm supporting you - here, from afar! - however I can. You just let me know :)
That was so moving, I could feel how hard it must have been for you. At least it is done now, and out of the way. First time has got to be the worst right?
This was so poignant to read. You are very brave!! I can't blame you for skipping the parties; I think the visit & M going are goodwill gestures enough.
Ouch. I've never been able to get up the courage to meet my own shadow baby -- my 2 1/2-year-old niece who lives in the same town as me. I wonder if I ever will.
You're so strong to get through that! I don't know if I could have.
Going to help my sister with her full-term newborn in a few weeks. Sometimes I think I'll be okay, sometimes I'm afraid I'll totally freak out. She'll understand, but still. All those things we never got to do.
Thinking of you.
I'm sorry. It's not fair. I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace.
-D.
That's so hard. I am glad you got it over with, even if it did ruin your day. Maybe now the next time you see her, it won't be as painful. Hopefully you will be able to control when that is though.
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