Charlotte's birthday went as expected.
We went to the cemetery to place the balloons. We bought three foil helium balloons, one with a teddy bear wearing a tiara that said "1st Birthday Princess" and two other little-girl birthday balloons. I looked at my shoes the entire time I was in the store so the salespeople wouldn't comment on them.
We weighed them down at the base of her stone and anchored them so they wouldn't blow away in the wind. It was warm, for a change, so we stayed a few minutes and the reality that I was placing birthday balloons at a cemetery struck me. It was sad, of course.
We got back in the car and drove to the end of the road to turn around, and saw a women walking a small dog come over the hill towards us. Charlotte's grave is right next to the cemetery road, so anyone walking or driving past sees it. The balloons caught her attention. She stopped by Charlotte's grave.
She must have stood there for five full minutes, looking down. I wonder what she was thinking. She probably read the inscription and the dates and then looked at the balloons and made the connection that it was one year today, and how sad that is, there are first birthday balloons on this baby's grave. Sad indeed.
We waited in the car until she walked by. Before we got a chance to get going again a car slowed down by Charlotte's grave. The couple got out, probably to see why in hell there were balloons in the cemetery. They too paused for quite awhile.
I admit that it made me a little happy. I guess in my heart of hearts that's part of the reason I wanted balloons at the cemetery- so people, even though they were strangers- would realize it was my baby girl's birthday and think of her.
When we got home there was a small vase of flowers tucked into our mailbox with a card, from my former minister who was there for Charlotte's birth and baptized her. That was so sweet of her, even though I haven't seen or talked to her in months.
Other than that, no one else in real life remembered. Not my friends, not my mom or dad, not even my sisters.
By the end of the day I was furious- a true distraction from the grief- that I hadn't heard from anyone. I just couldn't believe that people so close to me would neglect to mark the day in some way- no phone calls, emails, nothing. It was eerily quiet.
I said before that I didn't expect anyone to remember. I don't know why it made me so angry.
I think, after you've walked the dead baby grief path for awhile, that all you end up wanting is your baby to be remembered. It's so easy for everyone to be taken up in their own lives and forget. I've accepted that Charlotte is not here and never will be here. We're hoping for the best for this current pregnancy. All I want for Charlotte now is for her to be remembered, for her to count.
It's so exhausting to have to do all the remembering by yourself.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Happy Birthday
Happy birthday, little Charlotte.
We miss you. So, so much.
***
I had a horrible night last night. It was the first really agressive cry I've had in a long time - you all know, the type of crying that leaves you gagging and choking. The injustice of everything reared its ugly head once again, and I sobbed for the day Charlotte should be having today, I sobbed for all the things she never got to do or see, and I sobbed for everything we've lost over the past year.
There are very few memories since last April. It's mostly a blur, really. In some ways it feels like forever, and in other ways it's hard to believe that it's been 365 days since the words "immediate delivery" came out of my MFM's mouth.
We have our fancy dinner reservations tonight, and at least it's something to distract me. Between now and then we're going to bring balloon's to Charlotte's stone, and then make a butterfly-shaped birthday cake from scratch. Just M and I, and Charlotte.
There she is, my sweet girl, with her dad. A few minutes after she was torn from my tummy; I was still in surgery when this picture was taken. She was still alive, still gasping for air.
What a year this has been.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Ultrasound
We had our dating ultrasound this morning. There is indeed a little bumblebee in there- measuring a whopping 1.3 cm with a heartbeat of 174 bpm. I was a few days behind my lmp dates- 7w4d instead of 8w1d, but ithat's good to know, and with my irregular cycles it was important for us to know how old the little one really was.
Pretty cute, even though you couldn't see much yet. It was just such a relief to know that this pregnancy isn't all in my head.
I went for bloodwork right afterwards and *of course* M and I ran into a good friend who is going through some infertility testing. She didn't ask us why we were there- although I'm sure she put two and two together. Keeping a secret is hard work in a small city with one baby hospital.
I feel pretty much ok- the good bp is continuing, although my platelets are down to 101 so hopefully today's test won't see a further drop. I've had a little bit of nausea, some tiredness, tenderness, etc. The usual.
Last year this time I was lying in a hospital bed praying for my bp to drop so I could go home. My doctors thought I would be released the next day. Little did we know that April 1st's ultrasound would reveal Charlotte's IUGR, and then everything changed.
We decided to go out for dinner afterall for her birthday on Saturday. Just us.
Hope everyone is hanging in there.
Pretty cute, even though you couldn't see much yet. It was just such a relief to know that this pregnancy isn't all in my head.
I went for bloodwork right afterwards and *of course* M and I ran into a good friend who is going through some infertility testing. She didn't ask us why we were there- although I'm sure she put two and two together. Keeping a secret is hard work in a small city with one baby hospital.
I feel pretty much ok- the good bp is continuing, although my platelets are down to 101 so hopefully today's test won't see a further drop. I've had a little bit of nausea, some tiredness, tenderness, etc. The usual.
Last year this time I was lying in a hospital bed praying for my bp to drop so I could go home. My doctors thought I would be released the next day. Little did we know that April 1st's ultrasound would reveal Charlotte's IUGR, and then everything changed.
We decided to go out for dinner afterall for her birthday on Saturday. Just us.
Hope everyone is hanging in there.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Spreading the news
Yesterday was my niece's first birthday.
I don't think I've mentioned before that my sister gave birth ten days before Charlotte. She lives clear across the country; we talk on the phone often but I haven't seen her in almost two years. I've only seen pictures of the baby.
I remember clearly the day she was born. It was a scheduled c-section and we were all anxiously anticipating the day. I got the "It's a Girl!" email while I was waiting to head to my own OB appointment. Little did we know that later that week I'd end up hospitalized and that very very soon my baby would be here, too.
My sister did not handle Charlotte's death well. It was just too close to home for her, I think. She had all the crazy post-baby hormones and it was all too much. I waited for her call for days. She never did. I finally called her five days after Charlotte, and the conversation was falsely chipper and shallow, and neither one of us mentioned that I had had a baby or that she was gone. We chatted about weather, our mom, that's it. She wasn't ready for me to call, I don't think.
My sister turned 40 a couple of days after her baby came. In my dark days, I have often consoled myself with some made-up logic that maybe a certain number of babies have to die each year, and maybe it was supposed to be my sister's, but I took the fall for her because I have time to have more babies and she didn't have as much time. Depending on the day this sometimes comforts me. If it had to be one of us I am glad it was me.
M had been bugging me to tell my parents about this pregnancy. Since we told his parents he thought mine should know as well, and though I agreed with him I was not looking forward to making the call. I was right. I got a very lukewarm reaction from my mother.
I'm pregnant again.
Oh, really? I'm not surprised. I guess that's good news. You'll be just fine- just keep active and don't eat too much. Don't you worry about it- I was talking to old friend X's mother and she was telling me that X lost her first baby too, well, she had to terminate or something, but you see, lots of people have trouble with their first baby, so you'll definitely be fine this time. Oh, and your cousin T has been trying to get pregnant for a year, and they can't even get pregnant, so you're so much better off than she is....
This is supposed to be supportive? Thanks Mom.
My middle sister was good about it- she was there for Charlotte's birth so she has more insight than anyone else. She acted exactly like I needed her to act- cautiously supportive. Yes, there are risks, but there is also hope. We talked about Charlotte for awhile. It was exactly what I needed. Thanks sis.
Oldest sister (with the one-year old) gave a reaction similar to mom. Pretty much what I expected from her too.
So, the immediate families know, and we're leaving it there for awhile.
I was a huge mixed bag of emotions last night. I was furious at my mom and my oldest sis for their reactions to the news. I was so relieved that my other sister was supportive. I was hopeful and stubborn and excited and scared and everything in between. Very teary.
It took me a long time to fall asleep, and then I had dream #2 that the baby died.
On a good note, my bp has been PERFECT all week, so I hope this continues. Back to the ObGyn tomorrow.
I don't think I've mentioned before that my sister gave birth ten days before Charlotte. She lives clear across the country; we talk on the phone often but I haven't seen her in almost two years. I've only seen pictures of the baby.
I remember clearly the day she was born. It was a scheduled c-section and we were all anxiously anticipating the day. I got the "It's a Girl!" email while I was waiting to head to my own OB appointment. Little did we know that later that week I'd end up hospitalized and that very very soon my baby would be here, too.
My sister did not handle Charlotte's death well. It was just too close to home for her, I think. She had all the crazy post-baby hormones and it was all too much. I waited for her call for days. She never did. I finally called her five days after Charlotte, and the conversation was falsely chipper and shallow, and neither one of us mentioned that I had had a baby or that she was gone. We chatted about weather, our mom, that's it. She wasn't ready for me to call, I don't think.
My sister turned 40 a couple of days after her baby came. In my dark days, I have often consoled myself with some made-up logic that maybe a certain number of babies have to die each year, and maybe it was supposed to be my sister's, but I took the fall for her because I have time to have more babies and she didn't have as much time. Depending on the day this sometimes comforts me. If it had to be one of us I am glad it was me.
M had been bugging me to tell my parents about this pregnancy. Since we told his parents he thought mine should know as well, and though I agreed with him I was not looking forward to making the call. I was right. I got a very lukewarm reaction from my mother.
I'm pregnant again.
Oh, really? I'm not surprised. I guess that's good news. You'll be just fine- just keep active and don't eat too much. Don't you worry about it- I was talking to old friend X's mother and she was telling me that X lost her first baby too, well, she had to terminate or something, but you see, lots of people have trouble with their first baby, so you'll definitely be fine this time. Oh, and your cousin T has been trying to get pregnant for a year, and they can't even get pregnant, so you're so much better off than she is....
This is supposed to be supportive? Thanks Mom.
My middle sister was good about it- she was there for Charlotte's birth so she has more insight than anyone else. She acted exactly like I needed her to act- cautiously supportive. Yes, there are risks, but there is also hope. We talked about Charlotte for awhile. It was exactly what I needed. Thanks sis.
Oldest sister (with the one-year old) gave a reaction similar to mom. Pretty much what I expected from her too.
So, the immediate families know, and we're leaving it there for awhile.
I was a huge mixed bag of emotions last night. I was furious at my mom and my oldest sis for their reactions to the news. I was so relieved that my other sister was supportive. I was hopeful and stubborn and excited and scared and everything in between. Very teary.
It took me a long time to fall asleep, and then I had dream #2 that the baby died.
On a good note, my bp has been PERFECT all week, so I hope this continues. Back to the ObGyn tomorrow.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Upcoming anniversaries
Charlotte's birthday is not this coming Saturday but next, and the next few weeks are full of day by day anniversaries of good news and bad, hopeful days and horrific days.
It is the busiest time of year for me work-wise, and I'm somewhat grateful for that. I'm so overscheduled that I haven't had much time to think or dwell on the anniversaries. While I'm forced to keep plodding and get my grades submitted by deadlines, etc., the significance of this, that an entire year has passed, has me tired and drained.
M and I have been discussing what we will do for Charlotte. I truly have no idea. We have such little support IRL that I feel I would be setting myself up for disappointment if I invite others to participate. To participate in what? A birthday party for a dead baby when they have their own very real babies at home? Do we sing? Do we light candles? Have cake? I have no idea.
We are obviously short on cash as per my last post, but we have gift cards from a very nice very adult restaurant that we got for Christmas. I'm kind of thinking that maybe we'll just go out for dinner, just M and I, to mark the day. It feels like a really shallow thing to do though- it's certainly the opposite of how we'd celebrate if Charlotte was actually here.
Maybe we'll just stay in bed all day.
I don't expect anyone to remember or acknowledge her birthday. My sister might, but she'll likely be the only one. And she might not. It's been months since we've heard from most of our friends, and our parents have taken the view of pretend-it-didn't-happen-and-everything-will-be-fine. We're really very alone. My hunch is that we'll spend this day alone as well.
What did you all do for your baby's birthday? Did you keep it to yourselves or did you try to include others? I am at a loss here.
It is the busiest time of year for me work-wise, and I'm somewhat grateful for that. I'm so overscheduled that I haven't had much time to think or dwell on the anniversaries. While I'm forced to keep plodding and get my grades submitted by deadlines, etc., the significance of this, that an entire year has passed, has me tired and drained.
M and I have been discussing what we will do for Charlotte. I truly have no idea. We have such little support IRL that I feel I would be setting myself up for disappointment if I invite others to participate. To participate in what? A birthday party for a dead baby when they have their own very real babies at home? Do we sing? Do we light candles? Have cake? I have no idea.
We are obviously short on cash as per my last post, but we have gift cards from a very nice very adult restaurant that we got for Christmas. I'm kind of thinking that maybe we'll just go out for dinner, just M and I, to mark the day. It feels like a really shallow thing to do though- it's certainly the opposite of how we'd celebrate if Charlotte was actually here.
Maybe we'll just stay in bed all day.
I don't expect anyone to remember or acknowledge her birthday. My sister might, but she'll likely be the only one. And she might not. It's been months since we've heard from most of our friends, and our parents have taken the view of pretend-it-didn't-happen-and-everything-will-be-fine. We're really very alone. My hunch is that we'll spend this day alone as well.
What did you all do for your baby's birthday? Did you keep it to yourselves or did you try to include others? I am at a loss here.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Stress, same and different
It's been a stressful week here. M found out yesterday that his job is in jeopardy due to the lovely economy. His CEO has informed them that a 40% pay cut is likely. 40%!!! There is no way we can swing it financially if that happens. Of course, idiot CEO wouldn't give a definite timeline so we don't know if this will happen next week or next month. He's been looking for a new job for awhile but nothing has come up yet. The job market sucks. I really really hope that something settles soon. We're ok for now because I'm making good money at the university, but that's over in 6 weeks. If his pay is cut like that we're pretty much screwed after April. We have some money saved but it won't last long.
My bp is still borderline, hanging out anywhere between 120/80 and 140/90, although it was 150/90 at my OBGYNs yesterday. Both Dr Internist and Dr ObGyn are satisfied that I do not need medication yet. I am hoping to hold out as long as possible on that one.
Another problem has been discovered - I apparently may have gestational thrombo.cytopenia which is why my platelets have crashed even further- I have gone from 116 to 106 in the past week, and dr says that when they get below 100 they may start to worry. The fact that this has happened so very very early alarms me a little- if there are problems like this at 6w pregnant do I have any hope? I don't know much about the condition except that it's usually not too serious and doesn't have much effect on the baby (which is great). If it gets extreme I may have to have steriods to bring the platelets back up.
Ah, the fun continues.
We told M's parents about the pregnancy- we had no intentions to tell anyone this early (and we're not telling anyone else) but the current situation with M's job etc required a big family discussion, and obviously the pregnancy has to be a huge part of our plans. They didn't seem excited. Dread maybe? I did get a half-hearted congratulations, to which I told them, Thanks, let's wait and see what happens. Still so early. So different from announcing our pregnancy with Charlotte, which was filled with nothing but excitement and hope. Now I feel like I'm placing a huge burden on people. Just another bonus of being a deadbaby mom.
My bp is still borderline, hanging out anywhere between 120/80 and 140/90, although it was 150/90 at my OBGYNs yesterday. Both Dr Internist and Dr ObGyn are satisfied that I do not need medication yet. I am hoping to hold out as long as possible on that one.
Another problem has been discovered - I apparently may have gestational thrombo.cytopenia which is why my platelets have crashed even further- I have gone from 116 to 106 in the past week, and dr says that when they get below 100 they may start to worry. The fact that this has happened so very very early alarms me a little- if there are problems like this at 6w pregnant do I have any hope? I don't know much about the condition except that it's usually not too serious and doesn't have much effect on the baby (which is great). If it gets extreme I may have to have steriods to bring the platelets back up.
Ah, the fun continues.
We told M's parents about the pregnancy- we had no intentions to tell anyone this early (and we're not telling anyone else) but the current situation with M's job etc required a big family discussion, and obviously the pregnancy has to be a huge part of our plans. They didn't seem excited. Dread maybe? I did get a half-hearted congratulations, to which I told them, Thanks, let's wait and see what happens. Still so early. So different from announcing our pregnancy with Charlotte, which was filled with nothing but excitement and hope. Now I feel like I'm placing a huge burden on people. Just another bonus of being a deadbaby mom.
Monday, March 16, 2009
6w1d
When they said I would be closely monitored, they weren't kidding.
I am at 6w 1d. So far, this pregnancy is pretty much identical to my early pregnancy with Charlotte. That scares me. The difference this time is that they know to watch me, and watch they're doing.
I've known about this pregnancy for 2 weeks. So far, I have had five doctors' appointments, with two more this week. My bp has been all over the place, from a great 111/60 to a horrific 160/107 (although I had just run upstairs so there's my justification- it calmed down a couple of minutes later). I met with a hematologist who had no definite answers about heparin and was panicked about my platelet count which has dropped since I got pregnant- not a good thing for a HELLP mommy- and I was sure at that appointment she was going to admit me to the hospital. She didn't, but I had an extra appointment with my OB to discuss and there was consensus that I will be watched even closer, if that would be possible.
The vivid dreams are starting already- I have had one dream where the baby has died (I am anticipating many of these dreams)- in that dream I miscarried now and it was so real that when I woke up I had to go to the bathroom to check to make sure it was indeed a dream.
Our first ultrasound is scheduled for March 31st and I am dreading and looking forward to it at the same time- mostly anxious that there is indeed a little wee baby in there and hoping like all hell that it's growing ok.
No nausea- at least not yet- but I didn't have any with Charlotte so I'm not surprised. That I can live without.
It's still so surreal. I'm expecting the pregnancy to end soon- I have no medical support for this hunch and I've had no cramping and no bleeding, but I think that's my heart protecting itself by expecting the worst.
I KNOW I'm going to get Pre-E and maybe even HELLP again. I mean, the BP is already all over the place and my platelets concern me a little.... I am just hoping hoping hoping that all the preventative measures I am doing will buy me enough time that baby will be big enough to survive. Realistically though, I have to prepare myself that at 23 or 24 weeks I may have to deliver again, if I make it that far.
The semester at the university is over in a month, and my plans after that (if I am still pregnant) are to lie on my left side, sleep and go to the doctor. That's it. Keep my bp as low as I possibly can.
Fingers crossed. That's all I can do.
I am at 6w 1d. So far, this pregnancy is pretty much identical to my early pregnancy with Charlotte. That scares me. The difference this time is that they know to watch me, and watch they're doing.
I've known about this pregnancy for 2 weeks. So far, I have had five doctors' appointments, with two more this week. My bp has been all over the place, from a great 111/60 to a horrific 160/107 (although I had just run upstairs so there's my justification- it calmed down a couple of minutes later). I met with a hematologist who had no definite answers about heparin and was panicked about my platelet count which has dropped since I got pregnant- not a good thing for a HELLP mommy- and I was sure at that appointment she was going to admit me to the hospital. She didn't, but I had an extra appointment with my OB to discuss and there was consensus that I will be watched even closer, if that would be possible.
The vivid dreams are starting already- I have had one dream where the baby has died (I am anticipating many of these dreams)- in that dream I miscarried now and it was so real that when I woke up I had to go to the bathroom to check to make sure it was indeed a dream.
Our first ultrasound is scheduled for March 31st and I am dreading and looking forward to it at the same time- mostly anxious that there is indeed a little wee baby in there and hoping like all hell that it's growing ok.
No nausea- at least not yet- but I didn't have any with Charlotte so I'm not surprised. That I can live without.
It's still so surreal. I'm expecting the pregnancy to end soon- I have no medical support for this hunch and I've had no cramping and no bleeding, but I think that's my heart protecting itself by expecting the worst.
I KNOW I'm going to get Pre-E and maybe even HELLP again. I mean, the BP is already all over the place and my platelets concern me a little.... I am just hoping hoping hoping that all the preventative measures I am doing will buy me enough time that baby will be big enough to survive. Realistically though, I have to prepare myself that at 23 or 24 weeks I may have to deliver again, if I make it that far.
The semester at the university is over in a month, and my plans after that (if I am still pregnant) are to lie on my left side, sleep and go to the doctor. That's it. Keep my bp as low as I possibly can.
Fingers crossed. That's all I can do.
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