Charlotte's birthday is not this coming Saturday but next, and the next few weeks are full of day by day anniversaries of good news and bad, hopeful days and horrific days.
It is the busiest time of year for me work-wise, and I'm somewhat grateful for that. I'm so overscheduled that I haven't had much time to think or dwell on the anniversaries. While I'm forced to keep plodding and get my grades submitted by deadlines, etc., the significance of this, that an entire year has passed, has me tired and drained.
M and I have been discussing what we will do for Charlotte. I truly have no idea. We have such little support IRL that I feel I would be setting myself up for disappointment if I invite others to participate. To participate in what? A birthday party for a dead baby when they have their own very real babies at home? Do we sing? Do we light candles? Have cake? I have no idea.
We are obviously short on cash as per my last post, but we have gift cards from a very nice very adult restaurant that we got for Christmas. I'm kind of thinking that maybe we'll just go out for dinner, just M and I, to mark the day. It feels like a really shallow thing to do though- it's certainly the opposite of how we'd celebrate if Charlotte was actually here.
Maybe we'll just stay in bed all day.
I don't expect anyone to remember or acknowledge her birthday. My sister might, but she'll likely be the only one. And she might not. It's been months since we've heard from most of our friends, and our parents have taken the view of pretend-it-didn't-happen-and-everything-will-be-fine. We're really very alone. My hunch is that we'll spend this day alone as well.
What did you all do for your baby's birthday? Did you keep it to yourselves or did you try to include others? I am at a loss here.
6 comments:
I made it known that is was comming and that it was going to be hard for us, and that is why we were going away just us two for Christmas. I asked that they all remember him on Christmas eve, the day of his death and birth and think of him during their joyous moments.
We didn't do any formal ritual except to light a candle and say our goodbuys one last time, just the two of us.
Dh & I have always marked the day with just the two of us. I usually take the day off work & spend it on my loss boards & blogs, & going through Katie's box of things. I have always put an "In Memoriam" poem in the newspaper, although now that we've passed the 10 year mark, I'm not sure I will continue to do that. We make a donation to our pregnancy loss support group each year, and when we were more faithful churchgoers, we used to have flowers placed on the altar in Katie's memory for the Sunday service closest to that date. We take pink roses to the cemetery, & then order in Chinese for dinner. (We ordered Chinese food the night we got home from the hospital, since nobody felt like cooking.)
I have some friends from our support group who have had birthday cake -- some just for themselves, some with family & friends. One even had a whole birthday party, complete with invitations & loot bags for the kids. They were all her own kids, though, & her nieces & nephews, & to them, birthday = party, of course! Some release balloons at the cemetery.
One couple from our group marked the 10th anniversary of their daughter's loss by hosting a big barbecue/silent auction fundraiser at their home. They raised well over $10,000 for our support group!
I'm sure you'll find some way to mark the day that feels right for you, & it will evolve over time. (((Hugs))) & I'd love to hear about it.
The only person who has ever remembered seems to be my mother -- she used to call us regularly on that day (although even she has forgotten to do that in recent years). One year when we were actually at her house that day, she left a little angel ornament on the night table in our bedroom. That meant so much.
My husband and I went away for the weekend - just the two of us. It was a nice time to remember our daughter without having everyone else around us. Her birth was a time when it was just "us" and so was her first birthday.
We don't know yet. I'm planting a few things in pots I'm hoping will be around for Teddy's birthday, and I tend to light a lot of candles.
Your dinner idea sounds like a good one. I don't think it's shallow at all.
I'll be thinking of you and Charlotte.
It was Christmas day so it was a little complicated but essentially we let my son experience 'Christmas' in the morning and afternoon, but come evening it was Jordan's special time. I invited some close friends to come and be with us on her birthday. They ALL came. We drank, we talked, we lit candles and we looked at pictures and Jordan's montage. It was a little sad, but it was repectful and solemn. I'm glad I shared it with friends. It allowed me to see that they too were grieving our loss and that made feel that her life was valued and acknowledged.
I didn't spend the day at all with anyone I didn't want to. That included my parents who have the same attitude as yours...and who pissed me off by telling me that I wasn't allowed to be upset on Jordan's birthday.
In the end it was a calm affair and nowhere near as bad as the buildup. I planned though, and that helped a lot. What was a nice touch for us was releasing balloons at night... we tied glowsticks to the ends of them and they flew up into the night sky. It was beautiful and symbolic.
Don't be afraid to have a birthday party if that's what you want. I probably would have were it not for the Christmas complication.
I like the idea of going away for the weekend too. That would have been nice.
On my EDDs I just spend time with my hubby. I am sorry you have to go through this. My thoughts are with you.
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