5w2d

5w2d. Still here.

Yesterday was appointment day- I had a dentist appointment for the first time in a LONG time, and who knew it was such a big deal when you check off "pregnant" on your chart at the dentist. I was bombarded with question after question about the pregnancy, the whole "Is this your first" thing again, etc., etc. Receptionist, assistant, hygienist, dentist. I got the full onslaught over and over.

Then it was off to my OBGYN. She's so sweet; when she saw us come in she was so excited she actually jumped up and down. She seems very optimistic about this pregnancy. It was a pretty routine visit- weight, bp (high of course 130/90), instructions on what to do next. They're sending me for an early ultrasound for dating within the next little while and also to haematology to discuss the pros/cons of hepa.rin therapy.

It was baby day at the doctor. My last few visits were on gynecology day, so this was my first post-Charlotte visit with all the pregnant people. It's very weird being back in that club, although I feel very much like an outsider. I don't really feel pregnant, the only symptom I have so far is tiredness, and the first-time pregnancy novelty I had last time is certainly not there now. I feel no need to be googling baby's development or devouring What to Expect. I'm just hanging in there, taking things one step at a time and holding my breath.

Tomorrow we go meet the new GP, who, according to Dr OBGYN is an absolute "sweetheart". I'm sure that will work out just fine.

Now if I can just stay pregnant, keep that BP under control, we'll be all set.

still pregnant...

Still pregnant. Whew.

This week has been so, so, slow. I'm not surprised. When I was pregnant with Charlotte time stayed at a stand-still, waiting for the pregnancy milestones to pass.

I'm only at 4w4d now. So, so far to go.

I went to see my family doctor yesterday. His practice is closing in a month, and he has now moved me to another doctor in his clinic who I'll start seeing right away. She's a GP but does a lot of obstetrics, and that will be nice. Of course my OBGYN will be on board too, but it will be nice having a GP who's up there in the baby department.

He sent me for the requisite bloodwork, and I got that done at our children's hospital this morning. Only children and pregnant women can go there for tests - it's a lot more calming and quicker than going to the regular clinics, so most of us take advantage of it. OF COURSE, who should be there but the 6+ month pregnant faculty member who's office is across the hall from mine. She said hi knowingly. I hope she doesn't tell people she saw me there. I am definitely not ready for the world to know about this yet.

The nurse that took my blood was sweet. She asked me all the typical questions, and I got my first "Is this your first baby". I've read so many of you dealing with that question and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I told her the truth- I figured in medical situations it would be best to always tell the truth. She was really nice about it and even asked a couple of questions, which I thought was brave of her. I must have been really pale and sick looking because she kept asking if I felt ok. I didn't feel ok. It was just too, too, strange to be back in the hospital explaining that no, this isn't my first baby, and yes, I'm always this pale and no, I don't need a glass of water.

Lots of flashbacks, there.

I don't feel pregnant. The only symptom I have is tiredness but other than that I feel like myself. I've POAS two more times to observe the darker lines and they're definite and true, but this doesn't feel real. I feel like an actress or something.

I go see my OB on Monday and I think then it will start to sink in.

I'm pregnant today. I'm pregnant today.

I hope I'm still pregnant tomorrow.

I couldn't wait anymore...

I woke up at 630 this morning to POAS. There was a three-pack already in the house and they were calling my name.

And,

Positive. Pretty definite lines too, especially considering it's early.

Oh.

My.

God.

My mind is spinning. EDD would be November 9th. I would be a whopping 4 weeks pregnant today. I am literally going to take it one day at a time right now. We all know anything can happen, tomorrow, 6 months from now, anytime. I'm going to sit and enjoy the fact that for today, I am pregnant, and for today, there is hope.

Tomorrow morning I'll make doctors' appointments. Wow.

To all you charting ladies:

I'm 11 days post-ovulation. My temperature went up initially and hovered for 6 days, and then it spiked higher and has been going up ever since. Today was day 5 at the higher temps.

As I am a total newbie to this charting stuff does this have any significance or am I just imagining things?

Also, when is it practical to first POAS? Keeping in mind that my cycles have been totally irregular and I have no idea when AF "should" arrive.

Of course, I'm dying with suspense here.

Undercover

Well, it looks like I did ovulate this month. And we timed everything just right. So, maybe, just maybe, I'll get good news in 10 days or so.

In an attempt to re-socialize ourselves with friends, we invited over a few couples last night. We've seen our babyland friends periodically, and although I have made no further attempts to spend time with their baby, I don't really mind spending time with them.

It was an awful night, really. It still amazes me how alone I can feel in a room of friends. My pregnant friend arrived first. She's just entering her 2nd trimester, and is anxiously planning life with two children under two. She had lots of questions about our intentions for a future baby. And I outright lied. It just came out. I couldn't tell her that we were trying, that we may even be pregnant already for all I know. I told her the verdict from our MFM and beyond that, we really didn't know what we were going to do.

I figured the question would come up. We're far enough out now that people are expecting the second pregnancy, wondering when the big announcement will be. I didn't intend on lying, in fact, I was kind of thinking maybe I would tell them that we were trying.

But when asked, I just couldn't.

I'm not really sure. I don't want to tell anyone. I haven't told my sister, my mom, anyone. If we do get pregnant I don't think I want to tell anyone that either. M and I talked about it this morning, and I told him I don't want to tell anyone until I have no choice because I'm sick or showing or something. It will be my secret, our secret.

I'll tell you all, and you're the only people I want to tell.

I'm not sure really why I'm so hesitant. I'm worried that a pregnancy will make people think I'm "all better", and I'm dreading people telling me that everything will be ok this time when we all know there are no guarantees. I'm dreading people wanting me to pick out baby things and get excited. I'm dreading all of that much more than the anxiety of the actual pregnancy.

So, until absolutely forced to tell, I think we're in secret.

My other two friends arrived shortly afterwards. The men all went off to the basement to look at tools and discuss manly-type things. I sat with the girls while there was a full discussion on the pros/cons of infant swimming lessons, "family fun days" at random workplaces, the best locations for baby pictures. Obviously I had nothing to add. Eventually I got the question from them as well, what we were planning to do. I lied again. Made it seem like it was way too much risk to even contemplate.

No one really said anything. At one point, one of the girls said you must be glad the one-year anniversary is coming up, to get past that point and forget about the past year and move forward.

Move forward, yes, forget, no.

I can't remember what life was like a year ago, I said.

Life was good, my other friend replied.

I went to bed last night completely emotionally drained, and missed Charlotte more intently than I have for a long time. I miss my baby. I miss myself.

The funeral of an infant

Let me start by saying it's a good thing the university semester is only until the end of April. My schedule is insane. The students are sweet, yet demanding, and very time-consuming. I am enjoying this job. I love their late-teen/early 20s innocence, with term papers and recitals their biggest stress. No babies in sight. No babies in conversation. Love it love it love it.

Hamster did indeed die, about two hours after my last blog post. Unlike babies, hamsters can be replaced with $12.99 at the pet store, so a week after #1's passing, we welcomed #2. He's cute, and makes me smile. Different breed, different colour.

AF finally arrived, at day forty-something. I started charting this month, and am at day 16, and am anxiously awaiting my temp to rise to have some proof that I am actually ovulating. I am not holding my breath. I just can't see it being that easy.

We had a follow up appt with our MFM today, to talk about conceiving again, etc etc. Not much new there. Calcium, baby aspirin, maybe heparin, maybe not, maybe bedrest, maybe not. No definites or guarantees. Still the 1/3 chance that I'll end up right back here in DBL.

She was, however, thrilled with the weight I've lost, even though I'm still 7 or 8 lbs short of goal.

I've been trying to imagine it, both ways. Imagining myself bringing home an actual live baby is almost impossible. I was looking around that office today with the pregnancy due date wheel on the wall, the "stages of fetal growth" poster. Watching heavily pregnant women walk the halls. I just can't imagine it. I really can't see this all turning out with a happy ending. I'm not sure if it's intuition, or self-preservation, or fear. I cannot imagine that in time I'll be sitting in a hospital room with a real, live, squirmy baby.

I can, imagine, however, exactly what it would be like to have a second dead one.

I was doing some catalogue shopping for my choir, looking for pieces for Easter and beyond. It was a new catalogue from an unfamiliar publisher. There were lists of pieces for every occasion, organized by the liturgical calendar. The last page caught my eye, Unique Songs for Extraordinary Occasions.

There was a little bit of everything: the opening of a new church building, welcoming a new pastor. Then there was this subheading:

The funeral of an infant.

Four songs were listed with titles like A Cradling Song and Born to Bring Us Love.

I'm surprised they're published. I'd be curious to know why they were written. And I'm quite proud of this publishing company for having a category for them in their catalogue.

I might order them, the four of them. Might as well be prepared.

That says a lot about my mindset nowadays.

Flashbacks

My hamster is dying. Right now, as I type.

When M and I moved into our house we couldn't agree on a pet. I wanted a cat, he wanted a dog. Neither of us would give. We ended up compromising on a hamster.

I felt ridiculous having a hamster as a pet. I mean, it's a kids' pet. Adults don't have hamsters. I felt silly buying him, felt silly telling people we had him.

But, I really, really like him.

He's very cute, and I'm not a cutesy type of person. He's friendly and playful, and highly entertaining. When I was on bedrest last winter I spent hours just watching him putter around his cage. In the weeks after Charlotte's death I spent a lot of time talking to him (questioning my sanity the entire time, of course). He's always made me smile, and that's a rarity lately.

He's old now, over two. His breathing's labored, he isn't eating. The vet gave us some antibiotics for lung congestion with warnings that he could go anytime. I think the time is here.

He hasn't eaten in days. Stopped drinking yesterday. He's barely moving now, curled up into a little furry ball. When I pick him up he's limp, too weak to squirm. His little head just hangs back. His breaths are growing farther apart. His normally busy beating heart is very slow.

I bet you can all see where this is going, right?

Even though he is just a hamster, I am reliving Charlotte's death with every little hamster breath. It's exactly how she died. The movements stopped first, then the breaths grew further apart. Then her heart stopped. Limp. Cold.

Watching anything die is heartbreaking, even if it's just a hamster. It's incomprehensable that 10 months and 2 days ago, it was my baby.

It's bringing back a lot of memories. It's days like today when I can't believe I lived through it.