Let me start by saying it's a good thing the university semester is only until the end of April. My schedule is insane. The students are sweet, yet demanding, and very time-consuming. I am enjoying this job. I love their late-teen/early 20s innocence, with term papers and recitals their biggest stress. No babies in sight. No babies in conversation. Love it love it love it.
Hamster did indeed die, about two hours after my last blog post. Unlike babies, hamsters can be replaced with $12.99 at the pet store, so a week after #1's passing, we welcomed #2. He's cute, and makes me smile. Different breed, different colour.
AF finally arrived, at day forty-something. I started charting this month, and am at day 16, and am anxiously awaiting my temp to rise to have some proof that I am actually ovulating. I am not holding my breath. I just can't see it being that easy.
We had a follow up appt with our MFM today, to talk about conceiving again, etc etc. Not much new there. Calcium, baby aspirin, maybe heparin, maybe not, maybe bedrest, maybe not. No definites or guarantees. Still the 1/3 chance that I'll end up right back here in DBL.
She was, however, thrilled with the weight I've lost, even though I'm still 7 or 8 lbs short of goal.
I've been trying to imagine it, both ways. Imagining myself bringing home an actual live baby is almost impossible. I was looking around that office today with the pregnancy due date wheel on the wall, the "stages of fetal growth" poster. Watching heavily pregnant women walk the halls. I just can't imagine it. I really can't see this all turning out with a happy ending. I'm not sure if it's intuition, or self-preservation, or fear. I cannot imagine that in time I'll be sitting in a hospital room with a real, live, squirmy baby.
I can, imagine, however, exactly what it would be like to have a second dead one.
I was doing some catalogue shopping for my choir, looking for pieces for Easter and beyond. It was a new catalogue from an unfamiliar publisher. There were lists of pieces for every occasion, organized by the liturgical calendar. The last page caught my eye, Unique Songs for Extraordinary Occasions.
There was a little bit of everything: the opening of a new church building, welcoming a new pastor. Then there was this subheading:
The funeral of an infant.
Four songs were listed with titles like A Cradling Song and Born to Bring Us Love.
I'm surprised they're published. I'd be curious to know why they were written. And I'm quite proud of this publishing company for having a category for them in their catalogue.
I might order them, the four of them. Might as well be prepared.
That says a lot about my mindset nowadays.
6 comments:
I am sorry about your hamster and that you are feeling down. I know it is so hard to imagine a happy ending. I struggle with this myself. Sending lots of ((HUGS)).
Thinking of you. It's so sad that we can imagine and understand the worst case scenario. Hoping for your success!!! Also, would love to know more about the choir pieces you mention. I hope you'll write about them if you have a group perform/sing them.
Big hugs to you. I still find it hard to believe that one actually gets a baby from pregnancy, but I am also prepared not to...I think that is what we have to do to protect ourselves.
But, the chance is there that we will have a healthy baby and that gets me through the day, maybe it will help you today too.
It is self preservation. Sometimes now though, I let hope trickle in and imagine a happier ending, hoping that all this was not all for not. Fear trickles in and mocks me, but for a moment I have hope.
I am sorry about your hamster :( I hope the new little one brings some happiness.
Amazing that there are choir books for even this.
I am sorry about the hamster. ANd I want to tell you to not even dare order them, but I would probably do the same thing. Thinking of you.
I've imagined it. You know, the post-deadbaby baby. I just haven't realized it yet. Hope you have better luck at it, Heather.
Sorry to hear about #1. Glad #2 is bringing a smile to your face.
XO.
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