Today, M and I have been married for two years. It feels like so much longer when I think about how much has happened in that time. But, two years is all it is.
Today is also the anniversary of Charlotte's due date. How fun that was at first, when we realized our first child was due on our first wedding anniversary. Of course, it turned into a bad joke, when we realized after her death that we would never be able to purely celebrate our anniversary. Not even once.
We have the requisite dinner reservation tonight, at an uber expensive trendy restaurant we've never tried. I'm sure it will be great. M is at work today. I'm going to watch more OC and maybe go to the cemetery to water Charlotte's flowers as it's hot and sunny today. Bumblebee is kicking away and I'm uncomfortably round and warm. Typical pregnancy aches and pains. No biggie.
BP is okay. I feel ok. We'll hit the 24-week mark on Friday which is terrifying and exciting all at once.
Everyone- mom, MIL, family and friends have been bugging me about having a baby shower. I am not at all interested- the thought of going to a shower is nauseating, the thought of being the guest of honor at one is truly awful. I appreciate their thoughts as I know they just want to celebrate that, in their view, all is well and things are going sooo much better this time, but there is no way I can stomach it. Ugh. Games and diaper cakes and rattle-shaped cookies, streamers and blue balloons, a room full of people who are treating me like a blissful pregnant woman and oohing and aahing over this, my first baby. OMG no. I'll do without the gifts. And I'm supposed to open presents without crying? Are you kidding?
I was talking to my sister last night and she too spoke of a shower, maybe after the baby is born? I told her I wasn't interested. That's not like you, she said, obviously disappointed.
I've heard that a few times lately. Not like who? Do you remember the Heather from wedding day two years ago, because she would have jumped at a shower. She would have been the life of the party. Not now. I don't like large groups of people anymore, I hate making small talk, and I sure as hell don't want a baby shower. Everything has changed inside. To the outside world, even to my dear sister, nothing has changed really. Everyone has seemed so truly surprised when I've said, very definitively, that I don't want a stupid shower.
I don't know why I'm surprised. I've been so self-enclosed for the past 15 months. I've been quiet, reserved, house-bound. I shouldn't expect people to know what I would want now. I hate people treating this like my first baby. I know what to expect with the c-section. I've felt these kicks before and I know the crazy rush of love when you meet your baby. I know all these things, I've been there. Just because, as it stands now, bumblebee has a decent chance of coming home, doesn't erase Charlotte. I hate that everyone seems to think that a good pregnancy/hopeful happy ending erases my baby girl.
13 comments:
I wish we could have an anti-shower together somewhere. Living on different continents might make that tricky. I'm so with you though. I did that once, and never again. Lets just get this kid out alive and home first, then we can think of celebrating.
Heather, I don't think that people think that having a shower for your bumblebee will erase Charlotte. People know this isn't your first baby and if they don't they shouldn't be invited to your shower. Maybe it's just too early to even think about and I sort of feel like I wouldn't want a shower either, but part of me thinks I would. Why deny yourself what might be a nice time. This might be a case where the anticipation is worse than the actual thing. You could just have a small shower, just your family and a couple close friends.
I've been recognizing this a lot lately. People just want to make the pain go away, they want to see you happy. You don't have to accommodate them, but don't not have a shower to spite them. Maybe after the baby is born would be better. It won't change the fact that Charlotte isn't there with you, but this new baby deserves to be celebrated.
Sending you hugs on your anniversary and Charlotte's due date.
-Shannon
Of course you're not the same person. How can you be the same person you were before your baby died??? How is that possible? Surely (if you were anything like me) you were looking forward to becoming a mum, holding your baby, feeding your baby, all those lovely things that new mums do??? How can the experience of holding your dead child in your arms not change you forever?? Of course you are different. A baby shower means NOTHING. Getting a healthy baby home alive means EVERYTHING.
interesting, i just had this conversation with my girlfriends... it was amazing to me that they thought that merely achieving pg again would turn me back into my old self. as though that somehow erases the past year and changes of loss and continued cycles.
the part of this post i most identify with is the idea that on the outside everything is the same, while inside i'm a battle scarred IF/loss veteran. i almost wish i could show that to people so they could start to understand this new me! but i don't think i'd be able to stomach the pity...
i'm sorry for the awful coincidence of your anniversary. my girls were born 7/10, our wedding anniversary is 7/13... it makes it hard to feel celebratory. however, i've noticed that i'm not big on celebrations these days. so perhaps that shift would have occured even without the close proximity of dates.
do what feels right to you, and don't let others pressure you into anything. they haven't walked in your shoes. you are not alone in your feelings, but i have found not everyone will understand them.
I hope you have a peaceful time celebrating your love for each other.
I am with you on the shower. Other cultures have things like naming days or baptisms, after the babe is all safely here. maybe you could do that, or at least distract the family with a promise of something like that. I hope HOPE that they are listening and not planning a 'surprise' behind your back.
I really don't know what people think goes on inside the grieving household. We're not hiding in here for nothing!
I realized recently, as I look back at my wedding etc, that I never really liked being the center of attention. Now doubly so. And a baby-related thing - can't even fathom it.
(hugs)
((Hugs)) honey, and happy anniversary.
Everything you're saying makes perfect sense.
I hope this anniversary is as good as it can possibly be and that the restaurant is fabulous.
I'm with you on the shower, too - I think a diaper cake would send me into a full-fledged panic attack.
It's very clear that you love bumblebee (24 weeks is very exciting and good news!), and not celebrating in the way you would have if before losing Charlotte is entirely okay. I know his safe arrival will be celebrated fiercely and fully in your own way and your own time. Hopefully your family can come to understand this.
((HUGS)) I think a shower after would be a wonderful time to have it. Give it some thought.
Grats on the anniversary with the husband. Two years, ahh what a lifetime lived in that time, eh?
Do what makes you comfortable. I have already decided, if I am so blessed, that I will be having a post birth celebration. No registries or showers for me.
Many hugs to you on this anniversary of Charlotte's due date.
xoxox
Happy Anniversary!
I totally get it about the shower - skip! My mum likes the line "that's not like you" and it makes me edgy each time she says it.
The arrival of my 'rainbow' boy, Moe, certainly didn't erase my sweet Iris, if anything it made her even clearer and more precious to me.
I'll be thinking of you and your lovely Charlotte on your anniversary and the anniversary of her due date.
Love Jess x
Happy anniversary! I am sorry you have something bad tied to it. The same thing happened except I had a miscarriage on my dh birthday. It sucks! I hope you have a good day anyway!
As far as the shower goes. You do what you want and don't let anyone tell you different!
I hope your friends and family lay off the shower talk. If they want to send you gifts or food or whatever after the baby is born, hooray, but I totally get why the thought of participating in a shower now is such a turn-off. Don't feel pressured! I know that nothing will in any way take away the grief of your beloved Charlotte. Having one twin who died and one who survived, there is such a tendency for people to want us to be fine because "we still have one." I'm thrilled you're hitting 24 weeks on Friday and wish you some very uneventful weeks ahead!
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