The Process

I've been thinking a lot lately about this grieving process. The word process implies that it's heading somewhere, that eventually I'll end up in a different place after moving through the motions. I'm not sure about that.

I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I can look back on this, on Charlotte, and feel anything but sadness, anger and helplessness. I don't know. Right now, it's pretty much all I have left of my baby. The anger, the tears, the breathlessness. When/if that fades, what do I have then? Really nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We'll hit six months this weekend. People are treating us as "normal" again. The Thinking of You cards and emails stopped long ago. I've started a new job. There are entire groups of people in my life right now that know nothing of Charlotte or the horror of last spring. They look at me as though I'm normal. I'm functioning. I manage. I do my work, and I do it well. Probably even better than I ever did actually. In some ways I'm more confident, with my new mean streak blazing, quick to defend and attack and at the same time slap a smile on my face and pretend that all's well with the world. I'm professional. Life goes on.

But it's all so, so fake. What people ignore, or don't realize, is that death goes on too.

I go to bed my baby is dead. I get up and she's still dead. I go to the university and lecture and go to church and blast out hymns on the organ and my baby is still dead. Nothing changes.

So, I'm wondering where this is all going.

I've been thinking about a future baby. We're not planning on TTC for quite a while yet, but IF I am blessed enough to take home said future baby, where will I be then? My Charlotte will still be dead.

I'm so confused.

We finally chose her monument. My dad manages a granite company, and he's been patiently waiting for instructions on what we wanted. For months and months I didn't want to think about it. M and I would have a quick glance at epitaphs and last a minute or two, then immediately put it away to be dealt with another day. With winter looming we wanted to get something done, so I bit the bullet and chose the epitaph.

Every life is a gift that will live in our hearts forever.

So that's it. Chapter closed?

Hardly.