Changes

M and I went to see our psychologist again yesterday. To be honest I'm not sure how much it helps us. I figure it can't hurt, and it's a dedicated hour every two weeks that we spend talking about our lives post-Charlotte.

Things are difficult for us lately. We're both extremely irritable and tense. There are minor fights all the time. Nothing serious; I'll get mad because he didn't hang up his coat again, he'll get mad because I forgot to call someone, again. We clean the house to have it turned upside down again almost instantly. Everything feels very up-in-the-air, very chaotic. Neither one of us is comfortable in this time.

So, every two weeks we sit on a brown couch in Dr N's office and blab away for an hour.

I wonder what she sees, through her eyes. Yesterday M was talking how he visited the BabyLand friends a couple of weeks ago for a family bbq they were having (I didn't have the nerve to go), and how he felt he was there, but not really there. People didn't really talk to me; I thought for sure I'd have a good chat with K but he only said about three words to me the whole night....

Dr N asked him how he felt... was M acting differently than pre-Charlotte? Did he think that his behaviour had changed?

M wasn't sure. I'm not sure either.

She then talked about the first couple of times she met us, how we were so nice, so understanding, extremely understanding. How now we seem more agressive, more angry, different.

That's normal, she said. It's healthy to have those changes after something like this.

Am I unlocking the inner bitch as a result of my baby's death?

Probably. I don't feel the same. I hardly remember what I ever felt, before this. I know I was a "nice" person. I know I would go out of my way to help someone and not cause conflict. I know I was anti-confrontational. Probably somewhat of a pushover. I think I'm still a lot of these things, but rougher around the edges. Quicker to defend myself. Less likely to care what anyone thinks. What do they matter anyway? They don't know.

There are some obvious changes. I no longer like talking to anyone on the phone. I don't like talking in general, actually. My interests are completely different. I'm annoyed with everyone, all the time. They don't know. They don't have a clue. I push them away, because they can't help. No one can help.

Just leave me alone. Leave me alone. That's the vibe I give off, I know it. Because it's true. Unless you've held your dead baby you don't have a clue what I'm going through, so go away. I don't want to hear about your crashed computer or your crappy job or the stain on your brand new sofa, all that is crap. You don't know.

Yeah, I've changed. It's been a long almost-six months. Another long six months to go before the calendar will be turned, and the "firsts" will be over. Will I change even more? Probably. I'm apathetic about pretty much everything nowadays, nothing matters much. There's nothing to look forward to, nothing that is enticing, nothing appealing. No one offers anything.

I miss my girl. That just sums it up.