Up until now, my blog entries have been about Charlotte. Grief for Charlotte, frustrations with our new babylost life, so on.
Today I'm writing about weight loss.
I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I was a heavy child and teen, heavy right through university and grad school (with the occasional 20-30 lb loss here or there, with immediate regain), and finally, about 3 years ago, I lost it all. For good, or so I thought.
There were no pills, no gimmicks. I cut out processed food. I went for walks. That was it, and it worked.
Well, this year, it all came back. The day Charlotte was born I weighed in at somewhere around 218 lbs. A week later when I came home from the hospital I was 204. Another 7 dropped quickly. I was 197 for awhile. I modified my nutrition which wasn't hard as I had lost all my interest in food.
In May I rejoined my gym, beginning with a mere 3 or 4 mins at a time on the treadmill in a slow walk. The months of bedrest and the extra weight had taken a toll on my ankles- they could no longer support me very well. Slowly I worked myself up to longer walks, then started the elliptical machine and gentle weight training. I stalled a month or two later between 188-190 lbs. I stayed there for 6 or 8 weeks. The scale finally started moving again the beginning of August.
Well, now I'm at about 179 lbs, give or take a pound depending on the day. My MFM suggested a BMI of 25, which means I have 24 lbs to go. I've been lighter than that in my adult life, so I know that's not unreasonable for me. It's just going so so slowly, I feel like I'll never get there.
I obviously have metabolic issues. I would imagine anyone would after months of bedrest, then emergency surgeries, etc. The emotional side is that I have no appetite and rarely get hungry, although I'm eating textbook perfect these days- all whole, unprocessed foods- lots of lean protein, fruits and veggies, whole grains. I go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week, although I've been lazy lately, and really have to force myself. When I get there I like it. It's a true "adult" space; no children or babies in sight. I lace up my shoes and pound the treadmill. I'm up to running for 20 minutes straight now, with walks for warmup and cool-down. I alternate a minute of jogging with a minute of sprinting and I love how the sprint feels- heavy, solid, rhythmic and punishing, with the slow burn in my chest getting stronger by the end of the 60 seconds. I slow back to the jog, then rinse and repeat, minute after minute.
I follow that run with some intense circuits of free-weights, and I can see myself getting stronger. I'm mastering the plank, the squat, dumbell presses. I'm learning burpees and the bosu ball and all kinds of things I never ever thought I would do.
The doctors told me to exercise. So I'm exercising.
I can't say I hate it. I like the feeling of being tired, of being proud of what I accomplished that day. While I'm in the middle of the workout I'm looking forward to the end, when I can hobble back to my car and go home.
In the past exercise has revitalized me, allowed me to face the remainder of the day with new focus. Not anymore. I'm tired, drained, and lethargic when I'm done. It drains me rather than gives me new energy. Another side effect of being babylost.
But I'm glad I can go. As I run I imagine having a baby that makes it, and I run harder. Sometimes I imagine losing another, and I run even harder. The physical exertion feels good. There are times when I want to hit things, and there are things in the gym that are designed to be hit, which feels good. Release of energy. Whatever works.
In the end though it doesn't feel like me, the real me. I'll go to the gym. I'll work hard until I'm sweating and my heart rate is high. I'll eat the prescribed bland diet and go from there. I'll do what I'm told. Eventually I'll be back into a single-digit size and my BMI will be considered "normal" and this project will take the backburner. For now, the motivation of seeing the scale dip another number or seeing a smaller result with the measuring tape is enough to get me through some days.
Whatever works, I guess.
Any other babylost mamas struggling with weight stuff? What's your method?
3 comments:
Good work lady :)
Yah weight has been a craptastic thing for me in the last 10 months I take off 8 lbs, I put it back on... and round and round we go.
I am trying really hard not to let my emotions come out in binge drinking and other destructive behavior. I think I fall back on food then, without realizing it.
My child died just a few days before yours. After that, I had trouble eating for awhile, and lost the baby weight and more. After a while, I could eat again, and started finding comfort in food. Now I weigh more than I did when I gave birth to my 2 year old. I'm very frustrated and disgusted with myself, and now I'm pregnant again, which means I can't diet. Not that I imagine for one minute that all of this will get me a live baby - so that somehow makes me even more pissed off at myself. I feel like I am just really screwing up my body with all of these hormonal ups and downs, not to mention just plain eating too much and exercising too little. It's so very frustrating - I think you should be so proud of the great job you're doing taking care of yourself. Hang in there - you don't have to like it for the exercise and dieting to work ! :-)
It sounds like you are doing a great job and putting forth a great effort! I can't offer any weightloss advice or tips, I've always had more trouble gaining weight than losing it. You should be really proud of yourself though for all the work you are putting in.
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