Finally, something.

I got a phone call from the university yesterday; I've been awarded the position I interviewed for on May 6th. They certainly took their time deciding! It's been such a rough couple of days but that short call gave me hope.

It feels so refreshing to have good news for a change. And to have something to look forward to. It's only a sabbatical replacement, so just an academic appointment for a semester, but that's great for me. It's for Jan-April next year, so I still have some time to fill before it starts, but the timing works out for me well. I may have a shot at some part-time teaching in the fall to fill the gap before the sabbatical kicks in.

So, I feel a bit more like myself. And I have a plan, at least for the next year or so.

Phew.

Thanks to you all who chimed in with experiences about dealing with our friends' new baby. We went to see our psychologist this morning to go over the scenario. I will not be going near their house, at least for awhile. To be honest, I can't imagine going at all, ever. Part of me thinks I should just go over there, no matter how hard, run in and run out, get it done. Come home and go to bed again. The rest of me says stay away, don't go anywhere close. Save yourself. That part's winning right now.

What scares me is that I feel like the whole situation undoes the work I've done grieving my sweet Charlotte. We've been very active in our grief; I haven't avoided it or pretended to be fine. I've managed to go from the weeks I spent in bed, to the days puttering around the house, to managing some semblance of a normal life. I can handle babies at the grocery store, pregnant women at the gym. I can't handle this. I really can't. It would be easier if this was their second or third baby, if they weren't making the awkward transition to parenthood. If life would still be similar at their house. But it won't. It will be upside-down, noisy, crowded with presents and well-wishers. I can't do it. My emotions are rubbed raw once again, and the pain is as strong as it was in the days following Charlotte's death. I don't want to go back there, I can't.

Maybe in a month? Six months? Three years? My psychologist said we'll revisit it in a few weeks and see where I am. I don't think I'll be much further ahead. Will it be easier when the baby is bigger? Harder? Will I ever be able to be a part of this social circle again without this baby being an issue?

If it weren't for my husband, I wouldn't be trying this hard. They're his best friends, have been since childhood. I've only known them for 3 years or so; my attachment is not that great. I can let them go. I really could. But I can't, for him. It's not fair to him. They're his people.

But I'm his people too, and I'm putting myself first right now.