I got an email yesterday from a mutual friend wondering how M and I are doing with our friends' new baby. This particular friend was also pregnant along with us, and suffered a miscarriage the day after Charlotte died; she was 11 1/2 weeks. I was home from the hospital before the news made it's way to us. I was sad for them when I heard, but, selfishly at the same time, I was relieved to have one less pregnant friend. I thought that maybe I had, well, an ally, that would have some kind of understanding of what we're going through.
To my surprise, she's either doing really really well with her loss, or she's just in denial. I don't know what anguish she goes through in private but her outward appearance is just fine and has been, even from the beginning.
I thought about my email response before I sent it. I filled her in on the latest news with us, M's fence building, my new job. I told her that we were managing ok but it would be awhile before I would be comfortable visiting the new baby. I also said how sad I was- if things had worked out the way we imagined a few months ago, it would have been so perfect.
Her response was, I know, but everything happens for a reason...
I've had that said to me a lot. Before my sweet girl came and left us, I had a very justified view of the world. I firmly believed that what goes around comes around, God has a plan, and, sure enough, everything happens for a reason. Nothing like a baby's death to shake your core values. I believe none of this now.
I don't believe there is any reason, any justifiable reason, for a baby to die. I don't believe that what M and I went through made us stronger, made us better people, or that eventually what comes out of this situation will be better than raising our Charlotte. I think this whole situation is just one more example of how life isn't fair. If God is spinning a plan for my life I wish he'd clue me in to what it is. I don't believe there is anything, absolutely anything, that would justify Charlotte's death.
I read a lot of blogs by women who lost babies. I don't always comment, usually because I have so little to add and I feel like such a fledgling in the world of babylost mamas, but every story, every last one, truly breaks my heart. When I read of someone clearing away their nursery, of trying to return to some sense of a normal life, planting trees and flowers in memory of their little one, I lose it. It is truly heartbreaking. What a devastating loss we've all had. I don't believe that it all happens for some unknown "reason". I don't know why we've been chosen. It's all a mystery, and will always be.
To try to find a reason for Charlotte's death just makes me mad. There is no reason. It just was. And it's hard enough to live with that.
3 comments:
I hate it when people say that to me too, "everything happens for a reason..." It is such BS. I went to a Mother's Day walk on Saturday, May 10th and a woman I walked with said how good it was to have this walk to go to and the support group associated with it and Carol who coordinated the whole thing. But that she hates the reason for why she's there and why she met all these wonderful people. This is a club that none of us wanted to join. But we're here anyway. I know from reading Carol's blog about her daughter being stillborn and her two living children she's had since that she probably is a better mother and better person because of it all. It's hard to imagine that now, but I think because of this devastating loss you gain such appreciation of your subsequent babies and cherish every moment you have with them. I hope we'll both get to find out if this is true.
I second everything you said! I hate hearing that.. Everything happens for a reason, God will only give you what you can handle. SUCH RUBISH! I do not believe in Karma and I sure as heck do not believe an innocent baby was taken for some learning experience!
people that say that "everything happens...reason" should be shot. but i am having an especially bitter month...let's see if they can find a reason for that..
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