The other side

Since we brought home little Bee, the world has opened back up. People who never even acknowledged Charlotte have been all over Adam (a whole other blog post), and we've been invited out a lot. Apple Picking parties, a wide assortment of Christmas family celebrations, dinners out, etc. All family-oriented and baby-friendly. We've even gone to some of them.

I have found myself exactly where I never, ever, wanted to be. Friends of ours suffered a misscarriage at 12 weeks the day after we lost Charlotte. They started trying again right away and it took over a year for them to get pregnant again. Then another miscarriage. Right now they're in the early stages of IF treatment, and the last I heard they had been planning an IUI for October. I don't know if they went through with it or if they were successful (or not). I've only seen them at these large gatherings where it's inappropriate to yell across the room, So, how 'bout that IUI?

When Adam came home we didn't see them, for a long time. There was a congratulatory phone call but then nothing. I understood. Completely. I didn't know for sure if it was hard for them or if they were just busy, but I couldn't imagine it NOT being hard, and I understood. If they wanted to come meet Adam that would be great, but if not, that was ok too. I got it.

Anyway, we have now rejoined the social circle that we were absent from for so long. Our first get-together was a couple of weeks ago, a cider-and-sweets post-Christmas parade thing. It was the first time they saw Adam, and I don't think they expected us to come (why would they really, as we hadn't gone to anything in so, so long). The wife was interested in Adam and asked to hold him. She cuddled him for a bit and talked to him.

The husband almost ran away.

It broke my heart, really did. He had that look, the one we all know because we've worn it ourselves. The one where your heart is breaking and if you don't get out of there RIGHT NOW you're going to lose it, your chest aches and head pounds and the grief becomes physically painful. I'm probably assuming too much but I know that look.

I can't believe I caused someone else that horrible pain.

I've read other bloggers who say that there should be a t-shirt or a badge for us babylost with new babies- so the strangers in the grocery store can know that this didn't come easy and I am not one of them. I agree. In this case though, they know all about Charlotte, watched us walk through the past 20 months or so and now we're out on the other side. And they're no closer (as far as I know, anyway). It must be hard, it has to be.

I've certainly had my share of pregnancy and babyloss emotional pain, but infertility is not something that was ever put on my plate. So, even with my new-found empathy I still don't know what to say or do. I just despise the thought that I'm making someone's already-hard-holiday a little bit harder.

Bee pic take 2

Let me try this again...

My little bee at 5 1/2 weeks. So very very sweet.

Bee pic

My little bee, at 5 1/2 weeks.  Such a sweetheart, I love him so much.

Making memories

Due to my recovery, the H1N1 virus, and our general need to nest with our baby, the first month of Adam's life consisted of 1) staying home, and 2) going to the doctor. There were relatively few visitors, even, as we told people to stay home if they were sick, and nearly everyone was.

This past weekend we were invited out. Our friends were having a dinner and invited their children's godparents. Their little son is our godson. He's a little over two now, and they had another baby in July, another boy. There were to be a dozen or so people, several babies and of course, several mommies.

I was so very excited to go. With months of bedrest behind me, I was starved for some social activity. I've turned down so many invitations in the past two years. This one I was determined to accept. I wanted Adam to see other children, even though he's far from interactive yet. I wanted to go out and be normal.

So, we went. It was so funny, to cross over to the other side, to full mom territory where conversations are about poop and bottles, and the price of baby portraits. I still feel a little like an outsider. Though there are lots of things to talk about when you're in a room with moms, my priorities, my focus, is different from their's. There was a lot of talk of where to buy THE baby Christmas outfit, where the "cleanest" mall Santa was for pictures. They looked at me incredulously when I said we didn't yet have a growth chart. They were shocked when I said we hadn't set a date yet for his christening, actually, hadn't even thought about it.

Adam is alive. He's here, healthy, growing. I haven't put my parenting energy into researching baby photographers like these moms. Sure, a picture with Santa would be nice, but I haven't really thought about it. I have a fuzzy sleeper I thought would be nice for Christmas Eve but that's it. We'll get around to the christening at some point, no rush. My energy is spent marvelling, enjoying and embracing every detail of my little boy. All the other stuff is just stuff.

A few years ago M and I went whale watching. M had just bought a new camera and was determined to have good pictures of whales. If you've ever whale watched, you know that it's a split second viewing- they surface and then they're gone. He stood on the shore for an hour or more looking through his viewfinder for that perfect shot. He never got it, and never saw any whales at all. I saw dozens, as I could look around the whole shoreline at once without the constraints of a camera. I have hundreds of mental whale pictures in my memory.

This whole mom thing reminds me a little bit of that whale watching. It's so easy to fill your days and schedule trying to make memories- plaster casts of hand and footprints and staged photo shoots and the like. It's all great for those that want that, but it's never been my style. I like having a few keepsakes but more than anything I just like to be, to experience the moment and file away in my memory bank. My time with Adam is like that- we take lots of pictures, of course, but the moments I cherish most are the middle-of-the-night cuddles in the dark, the sound he makes when he finishes a bottle, the one-armed stretches above his head. Those are my special memories, and no growth chart can capture that.

Maybe I know, more than the other moms, how awful it is to JUST have that stuff- the footprints and handprints, the pictures. That's all I have of Charlotte, there are no memories, just things. This living baby- I want the memories this time. The things are optional.

One month

Adam was officially one month old yesterday. My sense of time is so different now- I can't decide if it feels like he just got here or if he's been here forever.

Funny, I almost forgot he was a month old until we went to the pediatric dietician yesterday afternoon. So different than my sense of time after Charlotte, when, at any given time I could have told you the exact number of hours since she was born. I guess now there's more to focus on- diapers and feedings, rocking and cuddling. Less focus on counting days and hours.

I got a little sad when I realized that Nov 4th had passed me by entirely without giving it a second thought that it would have been 19 months for Charlotte.

Bumblebee is doing really well. I have been blessed with a very, very easy baby. He's very pleasant, only cries when he's hungry, and occasionally when he wants to be picked up. He can be soothed instantly, and already sleeps for pretty long stretches. Only one night-time feeding now, which is so manageable. The disruption in sleep patterns is very doable at this point- I try to have a little nap at some point in the day but otherwise I feel fine. Good. More than good, actually.

I've had a number of people comment on what a good baby he is, followed by a comment on how I "earned" this, how our loss of Charlotte somehow entitled us to World's Easiest Baby. Of course, I know that's not it, but sometimes when I look at him and think how sweet he really is, well, maybe Charlotte picked him out. Corny, I know.

A couple of weeks ago M said that he had looked at Charlotte's pictures, that he was surprised by how much she looks like Adam. It's hard to see resemblance in a 24-weeker, but sure enough when I peeked in the album there is a definite resemblance. Which makes sense, as they're siblings, but I like the idea that I get to see how Charlotte might have looked if she had gotten to grow.

There are 33 pictures of Charlotte. 7 are of decent quality, taken with the hospital digital camera before the memory card filled up. Unfortunately, they are of her when she was very very new, before a bath or clothes or before I had a chance to see her, even. The other 24 are grainy, low quality disposable camera shots that are of all of us together, but in terms of picture quality they are horrible. It is my one regret, really, that we didn't get better pictures. Considering my inlaws own a professional camera store that's 5 mins away from the hospital, it would have been so easy to get a decent camera. No one thought of it. So, my 33 grainy pictures are all I have, and all I'll ever have. Sigh.

When I looked at those pictures it was like looking at another lifetime. I still can't believe that it happened- that I was pregnant before, that there was another baby. The pictures are so, so, sad, and I can't believe sometimes that that was my reality. Still is. To the outside world now I look like a first-time mom, and in a lot of ways I feel like a first-time mom, but there's so much beneath the surface. It's a very hard thing to balance, the lost-baby/living-baby thing.

Adam is growing. We brought him home at 4 lbs 14 oz, and he was back to his birthweight a week later. Since then, he's been packing it on. 8 lbs 2 oz at yesterday's appointment. We've outgrown the preemie clothes, the 5-8 lb clothes, and are heading our way out of the regular newborn clothes. I can't believe it- I can literally see a difference in him every single day. Also a difference is his alertness, and his little personality is starting to come through. I love it- all of these changes- but it's all so bittersweet. You all know.

The best and the worst

The day Charlotte was born, when we knew the likely outcome, I lay on the bed in L&D hooked up to mag sulfate, art lines and who knows what else. My sister sat next to me. At one point, she said something along the lines of You know, this is the worst day of your life.

At the time, through my medicated haze, I remember thinking This is the worst? I can handle this no problem.

She was wrong, though, that sister of mine.

The worst day, the Absolute Worst Day, came a couple of weeks later. I was home from the hospital. We had had Charlotte's service the day before. It was M's first day back to work. I was alone. I had not yet discovered babylost blogs or anything of the sort, and I had no network. The house was silent. I didn't know what to do with myself. I sat on the couch and aimlessly flipped pages of magazines. I couldn't turn on the tv for fear of seeing a baby, the phone was silent, the rest of the world had moved on while mine had stopped, and it seemed like I was completely, and utterly, alone.

That was the very worst day.

Similarly, when Bumblebee's time was nearing and things were eerily looking good, well, I didn't really expect his birthday to be the best day. And it wasn't. It was a good day, definitely had some miraculous moments, but not the best day. Maybe if I had had the picture-perfect birth experience it would have been different, but with our circumstances and my complications and NICU time etc., well, it wasn't perfect. I'm totally ok with that- the fact that he is here is more than enough for me- but I don't think I will look back on October 16th as the best day.

Our first days at home were hard. Logically I knew that having a living baby wouldn't magically make everything perfect, but I wasn't expecting the rollercoaster that took place in our first week at home. There are some crazy hormones post-partum. My loss of Charlotte became all the more real. I got a horrible cold, which meant I had to stay distant from my own baby. My anemia caused my breastmilk supply to be ridiculously low and I had to fight with that. We were paranoid over H1N1. I felt criticism from all angles on my mothering abilities- particularly MIL who was an avid non-solicited advice-giver in the early days at home.

Don't hold him that way.
Why isn't he wearing an undershirt?
My God, he's way too warm under those blankets.
You need to feed him more.
You just wait, you're going to be so sleep-deprived that you'll beg me to come over.

Um, no.

By some divine intervention (and this is going to sound really really mean), MIL got bronchitis a week ago. She hasn't been able to visit since. Things have been so much better.

At any rate, there have been many tears, many moments of feeling utterly inferior as a mom, many arguments with my husband, and much guilt. So many emotions, and while all I wanted to feel was grateful and happy, there were so many unexpected hurdles emotionally in our first few days.

It's so much better now.

We've settled into a routine, me and the Bee. He's growing well. I've figured things out. I don't feel like a first-timer at all of this. I think a lot of us babylost moms, even if we never physically had to change diapers and feed etc., well, I think there's some intuitiveness there. It all feels old to me, like I've done all this before.

In parallel to my Absolute Worst Day, today was M's first day back at work. It was just me and Adam today- he fed every three hours, he pooped every three hours, and slept in between. We cuddled on the couch in silence. I watched some TV, wrote out some Christmas shopping lists. I had cereal for lunch. Washed and folded little clothes. It was a simple day. Quiet and serene.

I don't know that I'll ever look back on Adam's birthday as the very best day. But today, today was pretty damn good.

Home

We're home. Finally.

Thank you all for your generous outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me, and big thanks to Sally for updating the blog.

We had the amnio last Thursday, as planned. I left the assesment unit and headed straight to the maternity ward as my BP was 160/104 and they wanted me admitted right away. I was having headaches and such, the typical pre-e symptoms. There was talk of an emergency c-section that afternoon. I was not prepared for that.

At any rate, a few hours later the resident came in to tell me that the amnio was negative, that Bumblebee was not ready. She said my ObGYN felt I was stable for the time being, and that she would come in the next morning to discuss our options. The surgery had tentatively been booked for 10am on Friday morning, and they weren't going to cancel it yet.

Bright and early on Friday, Dr K came in with a team of med students and residents, and said, very definitively, that unless I had some strong objections she wanted to go ahead and deliver. We talked of the risks to Bee considering the negative amnio- potential respiratory distress, etc., and the risks of waiting considering my declining health. Seeing as I NEVER thought I'd ever make it to 36 weeks (and neither did she), the prematurity risks were pretty small in my mind, and I was more comfortable with that than I was with waiting a few days and having the potential risks of full-blown Pre-E and HELLP. Plus, my bloodwork was showing a rise in liver enzymes and a drop in platelets. BP was still 160/100 even with an increase in meds. By definition, another case of HELLP, but caught so early this time and much much less severe than with Charlotte.

I told her that I thought we should quit while we were ahead. She completely agreed. It was time.

A few hours later I was wheeled into pre-op. It was so different this time- calm and quiet, no huge emergency. I even walked into the OR. The neonates were there with a resuccitation team (I didn't like the sound of that one bit), as they knew we were delivering with a negative amnio. I was blessed with a fantastic medical team- the world's sweetest anesthesist, my beloved OB and my favorite resident and med student. The surgery was fine- no nausea or any negative reactions to anything. I didn't shake like last time. I was comfortable.

On TV it always seems like the baby is out almost instantly in a c-section. Not this baby. I'd say it was half an hour or so. They warned me of the pressure and then announced his head was out. Then he got stuck. Then I heard these little gurgles of crying and then a loud yell from Bumblee.

Do you hear that Heather? they said. He's screaming! M and I were both in tears.

He was whisked away to be evaluated and you could hear him continue to cry from the next room. A few minutes later he was swaddled and on my chest, whimpering. So very very sweet. He was ok. He even got 9/9 on his Apgars.

We held him for 20 minutes or so. He started to get a bit "moany" so they brought him back to the neonates again. They decided to go ahead and admit him to the NICU and brought Mike with him.

I sat in recovery with another lovely nurse and we gossiped about celebrities etc. It was so hard to believe that my baby was here. M would come back from time to time with updates- he was 5 lbs 5 oz., 18 inches long. He has an IV now. He's on the CPAP machine. He's ok, he holds my finger.

After my requisite time in the recovery room they wheeled me by the NICU to see him. So precious. Even under the wires and beeping monitors he was so sweet.

I was brought upstairs to the maternity floor and that's where the memories get fuzzy. I had apparently lost a lot of blood in the surgery, and my blood pressure plummetted. It went from 160/100 to 80/40 and I felt so very sick- completely nauseated, blurred vision, weak and faint. They had to up something in my IV to get the BP up a bit, but I have very little memory of the rest of the day. By Saturday morning I was feeling somewhat better, but I almost fainted several times and had to lie flat on my back in order to stay alert at all. If I moved at all it was not a good scene. Anyway, I didn't get to go back to the NICU until Saturday evening, so I missed a whole day with my bumblebee.

By late Saturday he was off the CPAP. By Sunday morning out of the incubator and into a crib. Sunday afternoon they brought him up to the maternity floor to room-in with us. Again, completely surreal. He didn't feel like mine, probably because I had lost so much time with him. He was so adorable and precious, but completely didn't feel real. Our bonding took a little time, but we're ok now.

So, we were finally discharged yesterday. My hemoglobin is very low due to the blood lossy, so I have to be careful getting up out of chairs and bed and very very careful carrying Adam. (More often than not, M and I still call him the Bumblebee.) We're settling in. He's such a sweet boy, and it's so magical to look at him and think of all the possibilities ahead.

We miss Charlotte so, so, much. Next to Adam in the NICU there was a little 24-weeker, a girl, who was almost a month old. She was a full-time job for the nurses, and there were constant alarms and buzzers and tweakings with her. It broke my heart- for that baby, for her family, and for our baby girl who didn't even make it that far. I am so thrilled and happy that Adam is here and healthy, but he will never replace my baby girl, and he shouldn't be expected to. I am surprised yet comforted by the separateness of the two babies- it is completely possible to be sad and elated at the same time, the feelings do not cancel each other out at all. I can enjoy Adam while still missing Charlotte, and I think that's the way it should be, for us.

But we're home. He sleeps next to me, swaddled in three blankies in his bassinet. His sister's picture is next to us on the dresser. This is our normal. And I'm ok with it.

Bumblebee is here!!

Hello all, Sally here accessing Heather's blog from across the Pacific with some very good news. It is with great delight and a squeal of excitement that I can announce the safe and much anticipated arrival of Heather's son and Charlotte's new baby brother:

Adam Charles David

Born at 11.50am on Friday 16 October, weighing 5 pounds 5 ounces.

A note from Heather's husband said:

"Adam is doing well, he just needs a little help with breathing and is NICU for a few days. Heather is doing well but her blood pressure is still a bit erratic.

Thank you all for your support through this very long and stressful pregnancy."

Always remembered and always loved
Baby Charlotte Molly
April 4, 2008

Stay tuned!

Stay tuned for updates on Bumblebee's arrival!

The lovely Sally at Tuesday's Hope has graciously agreed to update my blog while I'm in the hospital and void of internet. Right now, the section is scheduled for Friday. Of course, anything can happen, and we might be sooner or later. My bp is creeping up again, so I have a feeling I'll be stuck in the hospital sometime over the next couple of days, likely until after bebe arrives.

Thank you all so much for your support through this pregnancy. Means more than I can say, really.

Just a few days...

I was in the hospital all week. Admitted on Monday with a bp of 154/112, we thought that was it, that Bee would be coming very very soon. They doped me up with more medications and drew labs and said we would "wait and see". I stabilized and then on Thursday was sent home. I was home long enough to read a couple of blogs and leave a couple of comments, and then on Friday the BP spiked again and I was back in the hospital. Discharged again late yesterday, only because my home care nurses are great, and I live 5 mins away should I get any of the other symptoms I'm always told to watch for.

My platelets are on the decline. They're not dangerously low yet, but they're definitely getting lower. All a sign of impending HELLP. I have a feeling that regardless of the amnio result on Thursday (if I make it to Thursday), that bebe is coming out this week. My obgyn is at a conference and will be back on Wednesday, and since she's been gone the covering doctors have handled me carefully. My history is "huge", they say. At any rate, I'm looking forward to having my own doctor back.

Bumblebee is a little trooper though. It amazes me that he can grow and thrive in a body with blood pressures like that. He must be a strong little guy.

My goal is to deliver this baby without getting really sick, without having to be on mag sulfate, without having to have 24 hour nurses for days on end. I'd like to be up and about from the surgery the normal 12 hours later, instead of 3 days later. I'd like to have the strength to hold my baby. I'd like to remember it instead of the medicated fog. I'd like to be on the maternity floor, where I have been so many times pregnant, with a baby in a bassinet next to my bed.

So, I think as soon as my platelets crash further or as soon as I show other symptoms or as soon as I hit 36 weeks (on Thursday) then he should come out. My doctors agree.

I can't help it, I'm excited. Despite the potential medical complications for me, I am very excited to meet this little guy, see who he looks like, if he has any hair. I want to hear him cry. I want to try breastfeeding him. I have a little sleeper I want him to wear right away. Some of this sounds so normal I don't even recognize myself. I really, really, hope that he comes out screaming and is ok. I can handle some NICU time if necessary, but I need this baby to come home. If he doesn't, if something happens and he doesn't make it, then, well, I just don't know.

But I'm trying to be positive, and be excited. The carseat is installed. Bumblebee's hospital bag is packed. Bassinet is ready.

I hope it all doesn't blow up in my face.

(My apologies if I am behind on your blog. I'll try to catch up soon.)

Crossing the threshold

5 lbs. That's the estimate of the measurements this morning. Sounds like such an important number.

I said to my nurse, that's the size of a regular baby. I never, ever thought Bee would grow that big.

Bumblebee was cuddled right in to the side of my placenta, nose mashed right in. Looking pretty comfy, which showed in his (lack of) movements. He's still being a very lazy baby, but we can always get him coaxed out of hiding with a popsicle and some jiggling. I had to go to L&D once this week for monitoring when he went nearly an entire day barely moving, but he woke up 10 mins into the monitoring and threw a party. What a relief.

Anyway, section is booked for two weeks from today, October 16th, depending on the results of the amnio on the 15th. I really, really, hope that it will be ago. I'm done with this.

We went to see our psychologist yesterday, for an "Oh my God there might be an actual baby at the end of this" appointment. It was helpful. M is so, so, nervous. A different nervous than me- he only sees a rainbow at the end of this journey- but he is worried about his emotions interfering with his ability to parent, he's worried that he won't know how to hold him, what to do with him. He's been reading compulsively on the internet about newborn/infant care, which is probably not good. He is so excited about the bumblebee but is so scared. He's worried about having an emotional breakdown when we meet him, he's worried he won't know what to say or do with a squirmy, crying baby.

I'm worried about all of that too, but I figure we'll manage. I'm expecting an emotional breakdown (perhaps those of you that have already had your post-loss babies can share your experiences), and I really will be surprised if we don't break down. It will be the same hospital, the same OR, the same doctors. So many commonalities, but (hopefully) so many differences. Can't imagine it. Really can't.

We grilled the resident this morning (who was the same resident I had had last year with Charlotte) about what to expect in the surgery, etc. She said if all looks well with the baby after the Apgar scores they'll bundle him up and bring him over to put him on my chest, where he will stay with M and I we're ready to head into recovery. Seriously. They are going to give ME the baby. I'm not sure about that, I'm scared to all hell to be honest. I remember after Charlotte was delivered getting so, so nauseated in the surgery, and I couldn't hold her. I hope I can hold this baby. M is not confident in his ability to hold it together so it's entirely possible we might be handing the baby off to a nurse or something. I hope that Bumblebee doesn't mind.

At this point, if these are the worst problems I have, I think we're doing pretty good. :-)

BP is still heading on an upward trend, but just under the threshold for hospital admittance. Hopefully can hang out at least a little while longer without having to go in.

Time is ticking

So, BPP and appt with my MFM this morning. I laid it out there- the nightmares, the lack of fetal movement, the worry. What to do. She was great about it. I have to continue my kick counts of course, and if at ANY time I don't get the requisite number, head to L&D right away. She said she doesn't care if I'm there everyday, it's better safe than sorry.

And... (this is the exciting part)

AMNIO IS SCHEDULED THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY!

*If* it comes back positive for lung maturity (which is a big "if"- she said it's about 50/50), we'll probably go ahead and deliver the following day, which will be October 16th. Three weeks! That's it! I can do it, I can. If it's negative then we wait a week and rinse and repeat.

Of course, if things start going south for either me or him in the meantime we deliver ASAP.

I feel infinitely better having (a potential) ending date. Even if it's delayed at least I feel progress. And, at any rate, me and Bumblebee should be home and settled by Halloween, which will be so sweet.

He was true to form during the BPP and barely budged at all. At least they saw what I was talking about. He did pass though, barely, again. Everything on the ultrasound looked good. I have to wait another week for measurements.

We have a bassinet and a package of newborn diapers, some baby shampoo. That's about it. The nursery is pretty much ready but I don't think that he'll be sleeping in there for some time anyway. Now I feel like I need to get other things ready. All my "normal" pregnant friends are consumed with making freezer-ready meals and things like that. Is there anything I should be doing to prepare for the "after"? It's so hard to imagine an "after". I don't want to come home with the baby and realize that we are so not ready. The same time, it's hard to imagine coming home at all, and I can't think of what I can do now that would make life easier then.

I am so excited today. There is a (hopeful) light at the end of this long, stressful tunnel.

Visits and NSTs

My sister and niece have come and gone. What a darling, darling little baby. She's nearing the 18-month mark, has mastered a toddler's walk, and is learning new vocab every day. She looks like a blend of my sisters and I, and I really really would have kept her, if the option had been there. Of course, it wasn't.

It was so natural to spend time with her. It was really, really hard to see her as my niece alone and not mine, as she looks so much like me and in her little mind's confusion often called me mommy. It broke my heart, every time. We cuddled and played and sang songs, she has mastered the "ABC" part of the alphabet song and we made progress at "LMNOP". Even though we had never met before she had no transition period- she latched on from the moment she arrived to my sister's delight, who was desperate for some child-free time. She adored M- she literally followed him around the house and he tickled her, wrestled with her and gave her piggy back rides. She called him daddy many times. Again, broke my heart. And M's.

And now she's gone, and Bumblebee will be long here before I see her again. While she was here it was so difficult to not wish for two little girls - they would have had such fun, and they would have grown to be so close.

I only had one really bad emotional spell, in the middle of the night on Saturday night, which kept me up for hours and I tried to distract myself by reading vacation guides to Florida. I finally crept back to bed at 6am, trying to void my mind of the injustice, once again, in losing Charlotte.

Sigh.

Bumblebee came very, very close to not passing a NST yesterday. The first 20 mins were a straight line on the monitor- no fluctuation in HB at all. This baby freaks me out on a regular basis. He is not a big mover. I go hours without feeling him, and even when he does move, the movements are so gentle. I often miss them if I don't have my hands on my tummy. Anyway, he slept soundly through the first part of the NST, and Lovely Nurse seemed a big worried. I had already had a popsicle and juice, so I had more juice and we jiggled my belly and I rolled onto my side. He finally did wake up a little, and they got the readings they wanted and the strip was read as "normal". I have been a compulsive kick counter all along, and while I always get the requisite "6 in 2 hours" my doctors talk about, I really wish he was more active. I don't really know what else to do- I have NSTs every 2 days as it is. I kick count. I call my nurse if he doesn't move and we do another NST. BPPs every week. It frightens me so that he might slip away and I not even notice it because he's such a lethargic baby. I truly cannot wait until this baby comes out. Mentally I am getting to the end of my rope. My BP is on it's way up to prove it.

32w5d now. Getting so close. Still feels like forever.

U/s update!

So, Bumblebee continues to be a rock star! He is growing well (albeit a little smaller than average, and his tummy had only grown one week's worth of growth in two weeks, but he is still growing!). We're estimating 3lbs 12 oz now. His head is huge and is measuring about 35+ weeks which is funny- the nurse called him "top-heavy"! He is pretty cute!

Off to meet my little niece now!

Still here

I haven't posted lately. I haven't had much to say.

Everything is going fine, pregnancy-wise. Tomorrow is our next BPP, and I think Bumblebee has grown. I feel bigger, he feels bigger. Of course, it's hard to tell. We'll see tomorrow.

I'll be 32 weeks tomorrow.

I never thought I'd make it this far, neither did my doctors. Things are relatively stable. BP seems to be under control, which is great. I'm hanging in there. Still feeling very blah, but I'm finding the days are ticking by and time is going a little faster. It's literally just a few weeks now. I can't believe it.

I have trouble imagining myself with a living baby, which is just as well. Our house is almost baby-ready, with new gear showing up via courier all the time (online shopping is great when you're on bedrest!), and we have gutted closets and reorganized rooms. The little one could show up right now and he'd have a place. For now, it all kind of feels like I'm playing house, but in time it will be real, and that's hard to believe.

I have nightmares, almost every night. Makes sleeping difficult, and not at all restful. In my dreams, the baby has died in every way a baby can possibly die- infection, random stillbirth, cord accidents, SIDS. I wake up sweating and shaking. It takes me a few minutes to calm down and I rarely get back to sleep. I can sleep all day anyway so it doesn't really matter. At any rate, I'll be very very relieved when this pregnancy is over. I'm pretty calm when I'm awake, but the dreams are starting to really get to me. I dread going to bed.

My sister and little niece are coming tomorrow, travelling across the country to visit for a few days. I haven't met my little niece yet- she was born the week before Charlotte, full term and healthy. I don't see her the way I see Charlotte- for one thing, Charlotte should be a few months younger if she had gone to term. At any rate, I'm hoping to be able to really enjoy the little one this weekend without seeing everything as a "what-if" or a "should-have-been". That said, I am expecting some sad moments. We'll see.

I'll post a quick update tomorrow after the BPP.

Hope all is well with all of you.

Bee news and blah-ness

Do you ever feel like you're an observer in your own life? I've been having a lot of trouble lately really experiencing anything. The days are passing in a fog, and it's hard to believe that this is really it, my existence. I'm missing it, I am.

Bumblebee was a rockstar in the BPP this week. 3 lbs now. Tummy had grown, a lot. Legs are still short, but that's ok. Drs are elated, M was ecstatic. And, to be honest, I felt nothing. I slept fine the night before, even knowing that a bad measurement or lack of belly growth could have sent us into L&D much sooner than planned. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't excited. I watched the numbers flick up on the u/s screen and really, felt nothing.

I'm assuming this is my body's self-preservation mode, in case something really does go wrong.

We're 30w1d now, which is past my goal of 30w. Again, I'm not as excited as I thought I would be, even though the possibility of bringing home a living child is now more than a mere possibility. 3 lb babies can do well, even if he has to come soon. The days are ticking by. Another couple of weeks and I'll be out of the "very premature" stage. So hard to believe. Maybe I don't believe.

I'm coming across as ungrateful and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm kind of puzzled at this late lack of emotion. I'm completely shut off. I'm not excited, I'm not worried, not happy or sad, I'm just here. Blah. Wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when it's all over.

That's the thing though, there's a whole "after" when it's over. That's really when it all begins. I hope I can snap out of this if I'm lucky enough to bring home this baby.

For Mirne

I am so saddened today. I can't believe that such a wonderful online friend has to endure yet another tragedy. The words "life isn't fair" don't even begin to describe.

There are just no words for something this horrible.

http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/

L&D, again. Sigh.

They should really start giving out frequent flyer points or something in there. By now I should qualify for a free snack or something.

So, went in on Wednesday to the hospital for the BPP. It was the "off" week for us- when they do weekly BPPs they still only measure biweekly, so the off week is mainly for monitoring baby's well being and bloodflow and not his size. Bumblebee did well on his NST and then looked cute on ultrasound. After a little prodding from me, she did a quick measurement of the belly and I was relieved to see that it has apparently grown a little since last week. Still measuring well behind, but had gotten no worse. I have to wait until this coming Wednesday for the "official" measurements and we'll see then where we are, but the bloodflow is still good, his heart rate is good and he's moving well.

Then they took my BP. 160/105, so up to L&D I'm sent.

I sat around, again. It's getting routine going up there. Triage was again full so I sat in pre-op once again. It's quiet there and further away from the delivery rooms so at least you can't hear people screaming etc. I was there a few hours, they did another NST and took bloodwork. It came ok, I was relieved that there was no HELLP evident especially since I have recently been awarded the third trimester badge of heartburn (which I can totally see how people confuse with epigastric pain). I was spared the med student questioning and jumped right to resident, who I've dealt with several times now so my admittance, which I knew was inevitable, was a little swifter.

The only negative, there was no private room for me. The inn was full.

So, I was stuck in a ward room for the time being. There were four beds, but only two of us. The other lady was lovely- she was 33 and on her 6th (SIXTH!) baby; her oldest is 10. She spent a lot of time on the phone singing to her babies etc., which drove me slightly nuts but wasn't too bad. She was 34 weeks and had been having contractions, so her doctor admitted her to assure that she would rest. I guess having 5 small kids at home is not a good recipe for at-home bedrest. As roomies go she was fine, but as I find the whole maternity ward thing stressful in itself, and MUCH prefer my own room.

I was with her all night, and all the next day. Late in the afternoon on Day 2 the nurses started preparing another bed for the next patient, we were getting a new roommate. Someone dropped flowers off on the nightstand. I snuck over to take a peek. There was an "It's a boy" balloon in the bouquet.

They were bringing a new mom and a BABY into my room, three feet from my bed. I don't think they normally mix the high-risk pregnant and the recently delivered but there was no space anywhere else.

I almost panicked. It makes no sense, I know. I'm supposedly having my own baby in a few weeks, but I still don't do well with other peoples' babies. And excited grandparents. And beaming new moms and nurses that say congratulations instead of I'm so sorry. It's bad enough being on the ward in general, and now you're putting a baby NEXT to my bed???? I could feel my heart race and my bp go up.

I buzzed the nurse. Can you please check on my room for me? Please?

Roomie was excited about a baby moving in. I guess when you have 5 (almost 6) of your own you're a real baby person.

They brought in the mom and baby. I couldn't handle this at all. Grandparents filtered in and spilled over their side. Everyone was oohing and aahing and taking pictures. The little one made some sounds. The thin curtain between our beds was the only barrier between me and their foreign world.

Just when I thought I was going to have to just walk out, sit in the hallway or whatever I needed to do to get the hell out of that room, nurse arrived with a wheelchair. My room was ready.

Sigh.

After that it was a noneventful visit. BP came down ok with an adjustment in meds. Another good NST today. I was discharged today at lunchtime and am home again on bedrest, back on the homecare program.

29 +1 today. Next week the coveted 30 week mark.

I'm going to go take a nap and then I'm catching up on your blogs.

TGIM

This was the most frustrating weekend. I thought it would never end.

I get in these moods sometimes where I just can't sit still (considering I'm supposed to be lying/sitting, this is a not a good mood to be in). I wander from room to room of my house and can't settle. My mind goes a million miles and I can't make it stop. I get very frustrated at the littlest things and I snap at everyone/everything in my way. It was one of those moods this weekend. Plus, it was very hot and humid, and I just couldn't get comfortable.

Since I'm not allowed to go anywhere, people have been coming to visit me. Although I do appreciate this very much, and it breaks up my days, sometimes I'm not in the mood for visitors. Although no one expects me to be hosting and pouring drinks, etc., I am expected to carry on a conversation. Depending on the visitor I may or may not be in the mood. The only bad thing about having people visit is that it's hard to get them to leave when I'm tired of visiting. There were a lot of visitors this weekend, and I was not feeling social.

Our shadow baby visited again, twice actually, on Friday and then again on Saturday. Friday wasn't too bad. As I've written before, I just can't imagine Charlotte at that age. The little one is almost walking now, and is so, so happy. She never fusses or cries, and according to her mama sleeps 11 hours straight at night. I'm sure I wouldn't have been so lucky. Saturday's visit was a little more tense, as MIL was also visiting (dear god) and was oohing and ahhing over shadow baby, and that made me uncomfortable for some reason. My frustration was also probably in part (large part) to the fact that I had just spent another half an hour explaining, again, to MIL that you can't cure growth restriction by chomping down more calories. She's been scouring the internet, but being of the generation that can't tell junk mail from real email, and banner ads from an actual website, who knows what she's actually reading. Plus she misinterprets a lot. Basically clueless on all accounts. I gave her the addresses of a couple of reputable websites, but considering the level of medical jargon there is quite high, I'm not holding out much hope for any significant comprehension on her behalf. Anyway, the conversation went something like this, for your daily humor installment:

MIL: So, I was looking up growth restriction on the internet....
Me: (thinks, oh no)
MIL: And it said all you need to do is eat more.
Me: Um, no. I eat lots. I think that's only true for growth restriction caused by malnutrition. I am definitely not malnourished.
MIL: Well, it said you need to eat more.
Me: I've already gained way too much weight this pregnancy. I DEFINITELY am eating enough.
MIL: You need to eat more red meat.
Me: What?
MIL: Your iron is low. That's why the baby's not growing.
Me: I asked all my doctors about that. It's irrelevant.
MIL: You need to ask your doctors for iron shots. That will fix everything. That will fix your blood pressure too.
Me: Um, no it won't. (I was getting very annoyed by now.)
MIL: Well, when I was pregnant with M my doctor always said..... (blah blah blah)
Me: They've learned a lot in the past 30 years.

And on, and on, and on.....

Somehow my bp stayed stable all weekend. I have no idea how, as I had smoke fuming from my ears most of the time.

I told M to stop inviting his parents up to visit. He can go see them if he wants, but I need a break from the ILs before I lose my mind. I was approaching violence over the weekend, I really was.

Another BPP on Wednesday. I know we'll check bloodflow but I'm not sure if we measure this time; I know their policy is to only do measurements every two weeks. Dr ObGYN wasn't surprised to hear the results at this morning's appt. She figured with my history it would only be a matter of time before growth would slow. There's still a chance that it was a glitch, and that bumblebee's in there now having a big growth spurt to catch up. Only time will tell.

***

Lovely nurse was here on Sunday to do a NST. We had to wake up the Bee 20 mins in with some juice and tummy jiggling, but he passed after that. She was chatting away during the test, as she always does, and she said,

After you deliver you'll have these gas movements and you'll think it's the baby kicking and then you'll see the bassinet next to your bed and remember, oh yeah! I already had the baby.

I couldn't tell her I knew exactly the feeling, and that it's so much worse when for a second you think you're still pregnant and then you remember your baby is dead. I'm sure you all know the feeling.

MIL rant

A little distraction for today. It's been awhile since I've ranted about my MIL.

Last night M and I were trying to explain growth restriction, and how Bee's lack of belly growth could potentially be a bad sign, and how it's too early to tell right now, but Bumblebee might come sooner rather than later.

She looked at me, and in a very mean, condescending tone, said Well, you'd BETTER hang in there longer than that.

Yes, because it's my choice to have a preemie. We're just evicting him because I'm sick of bedrest.

Argh.

There's been lots of other snarky remarks too, but I'm going to block them all out.

* * *

Thank you to all commenters- your support means so much. It helps me get through my day when I get your feedback. Makes a big difference to my morale, really does, in these lonely days.

To answer a couple of questions from you all:

What do I do with all my time? To be honest, I don't know. I don't sleep in much, I'm usually up and ready for the day before 8am. I eat raisin bran, and check email, and sit on the couch. Sometimes I watch a movie, more often than not I'll fall asleep. I read, sometimes. Before I know it it's supper time and M is home, and that's pretty much the end of my day. Of course, most days I have to head out of the house to an appointment of some sort, or the nurse comes in, and that takes a chunk. I check my blood pressure, a lot. That's about it. My meds make me groggy so I find it hard to be productive. I just wait for days to pass.

Steroids for baby's lungs? I haven't discussed them, yet. We had them with Charlotte of course and we discussed early in this pregnancy that I will have them again, if/when early delivery is imminent. I guess we're not imminent yet (which is good). I remember Dr MFM telling me that they wait to give them as there's apparent evidence that the later you get them the better. So, if tummy still hasn't grown in the next two weeks I'll be expecting shots.

BP is a bit high today (142/96), so hopefully it will settle again. Yesterday was eerily good and I find that's usually followed by a spike. As long as the bottom stays under 100 I don't have to go to the hospital.

Ok, I'm off to lie on my left side.

Bumblebee on the decline

Good news and bad news.

Good news- I just got home from my bpp. It is the first time I've been allowed to go home from a biophysical. Up until now I've either been an inpatient or been admitted immediately following.

Bad news- Bumblebee's growth is slowing.

I'm not surprised, I figured it would come. I guess in the past few weeks with reasonably-controlled bp and a great biophysical two weeks ago, I've become cocky. I was taken down a notch today.

His tummy has only grown 2 days' worth of growth in the past two weeks. Head and arms are on schedule. Legs are short. It's the tummy that's concerning. According to Dr MFM, it's the tummy that's the first to go, and is usually the first sign for more growth restriction later on.
Of course, it's an inexact science, and there are ranges and all that. There's a chance it could catch up. But, with my history, there's also a good chance that he'll stop growing altogether soon. When that happens, he comes out, as leaving him in is a good recipe for stillbirth. At least he's big enough now that he has somewhat of a chance on the outside. 28 weeks tomorrow, but as we're now measuring behind, I don't know how comforting the dates are anymore.

Please little bee, hang in there a few weeks more.

I should be saying, please placenta, don't starve my baby.


I really, really suck at this whole "growing a baby" thing.

Daily news

Bumblebee is doing well. We've had 2 non-stress tests in the past few days, and although he slept through the first, he was active in the second and we got the results we wanted. We have another BPP on Wednesday so hopefully he'll be bigger and do all the things he's supposed to do.

Had an OB appt this morning. Everything seems fine. She is so genuinely excited about us getting this far- I don't think anyone thought we would. Only 3 more days until trimester 3! And just a couple of weeks until the coveted 30 week mark!

Dr ObGYN informed us that she'll be taking holidays the first 2 weeks of October. NOOOOO!!!!! That was when we expected Bee to come; I'll be between 34-36 weeks. After all of this pregnancy and last, I just can't imagine being under the care of another doctor at the very end. My MFM should still be here, but she doesn't do the daily rounds and daily care that the ObGYN does. If I'm still pregnant, I'll be put under the care of another OB, and while she is very lovely, she's not my doctor and I have no history with her. It makes me sad that my beloved doctor might not get to deliver this baby. Sigh. I mean, really, as long as the baby's ok it doesn't matter who delivers, but I always pictured it being my own doctor. She's been so good to us over the past two years. Maybe I can make it to 36 weeks???

Disappointing.

Bedrest is going ok. Here are my hospital-dictated stipulations, if you're interested:

- Majority of day either lying flat or sitting/reclining as tolerated (I'm supposed to aim for 20-22 hrs a day)
- Very limited walking within the house
- Preferably no stairs or limited use (we live in a two story house and this has really changed how I spend my day)
- No work outside the home
- No housework (no complaints here!)
- Allowed to prepare very simple meals (on feet >10 mins)
- Brief shower only or bath if condition allows
- No driving, passenger only for exceptional medical appointments
- Prescribed bedrest exercises

So, it could be worse, but it's pretty restrictive. At least it's not for too much longer.

Back to the couch I go....

Ah, the guilt.

Official bedrest day 2. I've been on "reduced activity" since 12 weeks but at least I had driving priveleges, and "leaving the house" priveleges, even if it was just to go to the library. Ugh. Going nowhere now, which is fine if that's what it takes, but it makes for long days.

My nurses have come, yesterday and today. They are lovely. We do all the regular pre-natal stuff- bp of course, urine, reflexes, doppler heartbeats. We'll do non-stress tests 2x a week in the comfort of my living room which is a hell of a lot better than trekking off to the hospital all the time. I love hearing Bumblebee's heartbeat, and he seems to resent dopplers and monitors, and constantly tries to kick them away, which makes everyone laugh. What a little scalliwag.

The head home care nurse came to visit me in the hospital before I was discharged on Monday. She gave me the synopsis of the program, and proudly stated that We've never had a bad outcome. I asked her what she meant. They've never lost a mom, or lost a baby.

Never lost a baby?

The prenatal home care program is in place for people like me, high risk moms, lots and lots of them pregnant women with high bp. Other problems too. They've been at this seven years and they've never lost a baby.

I wasn't on this program last time.

I'm a different patient this pregnancy. I am well informed, maybe too well informed. I know the risks, the symptoms, the statistics. I've lived them. I know what the ambiguous epigastric pain feels like first hand. I've met with neonates and psychologists and I've read everything I could find about HELLP and pre-e and how to give yourself the best chances. I have an idea of what to expect if we deliver at 28 weeks, 30 weeks, 34 weeks. I keep over-the-top records of bp readings, urine sticks, medications and tests. My doctors rely on my own homemade chart more than the records they keep on my behalf.

Last time, I knew nothing.

I remember the first time at the doctor that my bp was high. I was about 14 weeks with Charlotte. He took it manually and frowned, and then hooked me up to a digital machine that would do 6 readings and average them. He left the room.

They started. 170/113, 168/110, 182/115. I didn't even know enough to know that they were high. 120/80 stuck out in my head as "normal", but I knew nothing about where normal ended and high began. There was a poster on the wall about diabetes, listing factors that would make you high risk. One of them was blood pressure higher than 135/85. I remember thinking, wow, mine must be high then. It took my gp and two specialists a full month or more to figure out a dose of medication that controlled it for the time being.

After that, I read a lot about high bp in pregnancy. Very very few resources mentioned that the baby could die. Most of it talked about bedrest for a few weeks pre-delivery, at most, and HELLP was always mentioned, but never dwelled upon. It was considered serious in everything I read, but it was always at the end of the pregnancy, so you just delivered and everyone lived happily ever after. Once in awhile there would a disclaiming sentence like occasionally presents in the second trimester.

So, now, with little bumblebee heading towards real, true viability and Charlotte's memory box sitting on my dresser, I wonder constantly, what would have happened if I knew then what I know now. My intellect tells me that nothing would have changed. HELLP would have set in at 24 weeks and that would have been it. All the monitoring and knowledge wouldn't have made any difference. I felt exceptionally well cared for last time- my doctors were diligent and thorough, but there was no history to rely on. My care this pregnancy has been more informed on all counts. We all know what we're watching for. I have done everything in my power that I possibly could do to get myself this far along, as, like you, I know the horrible horrible side of having it crash.

My brain might be logical, but my heart wonders and worries that I didn't do enough last time, that we made bad decisions and didn't take things seriously enough until it was too late.

M came to pick me up at the hospital on Monday shortly after my conversation with the neonatologist. I was thrilled with my 90%, but I was expecting a number somewhere around there because I've done so much reading and research in the past year or so. M is not as well versed in the stats. I was so excited to tell him, and while he was so happy too, his face fell a little bit and he said, Charlotte was so close.

She was, but she was also so very far.

My doctors always comment on how I'm going the extra mile in this pregnancy, how I'm the model patient, how I make their jobs so much easier. They assume it's because I'm desperate to have this baby survive. They're right, of course, but part of it is also because if something bad does happen to bumblebee, I have to know that I did everything. My diligence is partly selfish. The guilt is not something I could survive twice.

Now that things are going well there's this new guilt surfacing, the "what-if" guilt. A weird version of survivors guilt, even though we still have a long way to go.

I just want to be one of those glowing pregnant women. Must be nice.

L&D trip 2

Ugh, the past few days have not been the most fun.

On Thursday morning my bp was high at home, like 161/109. I was heading to the hospital anyway for bpp #2, so I planned on mentioning it to my MFM and going from there. We had a GREAT bpp. The technician was the same as we had with Charlotte, and she remembered us and gave me a hug, and was oh so sweet. Bumblebee was a real star, scored 8/8, and *get this*, is measuring a tiny bit ahead of schedule and is TWO POUNDS!!!! As the mom of a 380gram baby this is the jackpot. I was measuring 26 weeks on the nose and that was very exciting. Plus, all doctors have agreed to use Nov 12 as my due date so I roll over my weeks on Thursdays now instead of Fridays.

After the ultrasound they checked my bp and it was still high, 152/108, so they sent me off to L&D. It was crazy busy so triage was full, so they wheeled me around corners and then put me in pre-op. I had never been there before, but poor M remembered it well as it was where he waited to be admitted to the OR for Charlotte's birth. I think they kept him there for 20 minutes or so before he was allowed in. It brought back a lot of memories for him, and he got quite emotional, which is unusual for him especially lately. It was intense.

Needless to say I was admitted to the hospital, and finally released this morning. I'm now on official bedrest and have home care. Nurses are coming to my house every 2 days to "officially" record my bp, check urine, do non-stress tests etc. I am not allowed to go anywhere except to my doctors. There are boring weeks ahead of me (lots of them, I hope).

Over the past few days I've been poked, prodded, had lots of reflex tests, non-stress tests, etc. I did NOT have any mag sulfate, an iv, or steroids, so I knew that delivery wasn't imminent. I had a meeting with the neonatal team this morning to discuss what I can expect if we deliver prematurely. If I delivered today, at our hospital, they said Bee would have about a 75-80% chance of survival. As of Thursday, at 27 weeks, it's 90%. 90%!!!!! Can you believe that? And he said the chance of survival with no long term complications is good as well at that gestation. I think I'm going to make it a good bit farther than that, so I'm feeling pretty good.

So, now that I'm on "official" bedrest, and I can't drive or walk or do much of anything really, the days will probably start to really drag. At least now I feel like I'm getting somewhere. And next week it will be 28 weeks- trimester 3- and I never ever thought I'd get there.

Now I'm off to catch up on everyone's blog. They really need internet in those hospital rooms.

Visits and nurseries

So, I did go to the hospital to visit friend and baby. It was ok, in fact, I kind of enjoyed it. She was understandably tired and weak, so we only stayed 10 mins or so, but long enough to see the sleeping little one in his bassinet and chat to our godson and hand out gifts. There was nothing revolutionary, nothing that surprised me really. It was something I don't think I could have done a few months ago, but now it was ok. The baby was sweet (aren't they all?). I didn't want to hold him, and I'm glad that he was sleeping so it wasn't an issue.

We now have a baby room in our house. We weren't going to touch it for some time, until after there was a better chance that there would actually be a baby to live in it. M doesn't like to be bored, it was a rainy weekend, and he wanted something to do. A quick trip to the hardware store and we had paint and mouldings and two days later, a baby's room, with assembled crib and everything. It's cute. Some visiting relatives brought gifts this weekend so I even have a blanket and some little clothes. Slightly surreal.

Charlotte's room was never done. We had all the plans for what we wanted to do, but we also thought we had all kinds of time. Nothing ever changed in there, until a few months after we lost her when we turned the room from an office to a spare bedroom. It's still that today, and there have been many, many nights when I've ended up in there to sleep. You know, on those sad nights when you're up pacing the floor at 3 am. When we started thinking about a room for this baby, I just couldn't give him Charlotte's room. We decided to use the third bedroom, and I'm glad we did. It's new, it was never intended for any other, and it doesn't hold the missed possibility of the other room.

It's strange having a nursery. Makes it more real. I keep wandering in there wondering if this baby will live in it.

25w4d now. Getting along. Drs are happy. BP was a bit high yesterday but ok today. The next BPP is on Thursday so we'll see how the growth is going and whether or not my worries last time had any base. Bumblebee has been quiet lately which freaks me out some, although his heartbeat is strong at the doctors'. We'll see.

The doctors have said, from the beginning, that because I had a classical c/s last time, they'll probably do an amnio around 34-35 weeks and deliver asap after that. They don't want to risk me going into labor, and really, with my history, if I make it that far I think everyone will just want this baby OUT. Including me. It occured to me yesterday that's in 10 weeks, not even. 10 weeks is nothing. 10 weeks is forever.

Of course, I could have this baby in two days, next week, in a month. Hopefully hanging out as long as possible, but the end is coming, one way or another.

Please come home, little bee. We need you here.

(almost) 25 weeks

I will be 25 weeks tomorrow. I am now the most pregnant I have ever been.

Bumblebee feels big. His kicks are stronger, I feel them much higher than I ever felt Charlotte. He's a busy baby, which I know is a good sign.

There was a website, I think it was a US government website, where you could put in the gestation and weight and it would spit back statistics of survival and disabilities. Anyone know what it is? I input a lot of information after Charlotte died out of curiosity, and now that I have "real" information to input I can't find the site.

I think it's at 26 weeks where the chances of survival/no major complications goes up significantly? Why can't I find this information when I need it?

* * *

A good friend is also expecting a baby boy, due in a couple of weeks. She had a doctor's appt yesterday and came over to visit after that. We sat around all afternoon eating ice cream and talking about our baby boys (of course, the conversation assumed mine is actually coming home). This is her second, her oldest boy is our godson, and he's a darling (he's almost 2). She is so excited that we're pregnant at the same time, that we're both having boys. When I'm with her I pretend that I'm all optimism too, as it's so much easier to just do that than to constantly be disclaiming everything. It's actually kind of refreshing, for a couple of hours. She knows all about Charlotte, of course, but is so hopeful for us this time, and I can forgive her for the moments of perceived insensitivity over the past year.

Anyway, I found out this morning that she went into labor last night and delivered the little one at 2:41 am. Everything is perfect.

I'm toying with the idea of visiting her in the hospital. It would be back to the maternity ward, where I was last week. She will likely be coming home tomorrow, and yesterday she said a bunch of times "when you come see me in the hospital", so I know she expects me to come. M was talking to her husband this morning (they're good friends too), and he said we can come over this afternoon. I have a present here, ready to go, and I might drop by today, see the baby, run away. I might not. Debating. If I knew no one else was going to be there I wouldn't mind as much, but there will likely be grandparents and relatives etc. I might get emotional, I might not. I don't know.

I kind of think I might go. For a few minutes. At least at the hospital I can justify only staying for 5 or 10 minutes. If I wait and visit her at home, I'll have to commit to a longer visit.

Nothing baby-related is ever simple anymore, you know?

I think I'm going to go. I'm talking myself into it. Really, what's the worst that can happen? (Don't answer that.)

Cemetery vandals

M and I stopped by the cemetery yesterday. I had gone earlier in the week to water Charlotte's flowers but it had been awhile since we had gone together.

Some idiot had kicked my baby's stone.

It was off the base; the slab of granite was moved a couple of inches from where it was bonded on, so it was sitting crooked. We tried to move it back but it's super heavy and wouldn't budge.

It takes a lot of force to move a granite slab. I called my dad when I got home to tell him about it (as monuments are his business and he installed it in the first place), and he said they've been having problems in that cemetery with vandalism and the monuments. He said the only way it would come apart is if someone really tried. There is a slight possibility that it could have been an accident, and the optimistic side of me wants to believe that, but the reality is likely that some idiot had tried to hurt it.

He's going to fix it this weekend.

What kind of person would attempt to vandalize a baby's grave???? I want to find them and shake them.

Dad also said, to my surprise, that he had been there last week and the stone had been fine. He went to clean it, he said. I had no idea that anyone besides M and I ever went there. Shows how much I know.

Hospital adventures

Yesterday morning I had a routine visit with my GP. I mentioned to her that I've been having (apologies for TMI) a lot of discharge and often it was watery and clear. I was hoping there was some simple test I could do (like a POAS) to make sure it was indeed discharge and not amniotic fluid. There's no "simple" test, well, it's a speculum exam. She was concerned, as low fluid was an issue with Charlotte, and wanted me to get it checked right away. In this small city with one main hospital, it meant heading back to L&D, where Charlotte was born and died.

I went by myself. M was working and I didn't think the exam would be stressful and it didn't seem to warrant taking time off. He thought it would be emotional for me to go there alone and was worried, but I was determined. So, off I went.

The nurse was lovely. Her name was Ruth, and she was nice from the start, but especially nice when she realized my history. My bp was a little up, 146/96, but I attributed that to the stress of the day. I was given a bed in triage (a different bed than last year), and began my morning of waiting.

Sr med student came in first, and could have been straight out of ER or grey's or some tv show. Of course, the day I need a speculum exam the med student is ridiculously attractive and I feel like a chubby blob. I prayed for a female resident. No such luck. He wasn't quite as attractive as the med student, but still very good looking, and I was not impressed that these people would be examining me. Even the attending was a male. Normally I couldn't care less about such things, but I was a little uncomfortable yesterday.

Nurse came back. Bp was 150/104.

In the meantime triage filled up. The woman in the bed next to me was a week overdue and her water had broken. She was hooked up to fetal monitors until her doctor arrived. Happy birthday, baby, she said to her belly while rubbing it. Her husband gave her a hug and kissed her tummy. God, you forget what a happy place L&D is for most!

A blood curdling scream came from somewhere down the hall. A second later it was the first cries of a newborn. Everyone cheered.

Nurse came in again. Extra dose of meds for me. Mess of bloodwork to test for all the regular HELLP stuff- liver, etc. Gorgeous Med Student came in all concerned, rubbing my arm and asking me if I was ok.

(I was ok. I just wanted the hell out of L&D.)

Finally, we got around to the speculum test. They wanted Gorgeous Med Student to do it, supervised by both resident and attending. Female nurse was down there too for good measure. Dear God.

Of course, BP was not going down. It was mid afternoon when they told me they were admitting me for observation, and were going to try and get me a biophysical for the next day. The speculum tests came back fine, it was not amniotic fluid thankfully. They made me wait until my bp had stabilized some and then I was sent to the maternity floor.

Now, as a babylost mom in a high risk pregnancy, the maternity ward is not the best place to be. There are, of course, moms and babies everywhere. Lots of flowers and "It's a --" balloons. It's a very happy place. They thankfully gave me my own room, and it thankfully was at the very end of the hall, so I slept. I had many doppler heartbeat checks, kick counts and a non-stress test, more bloodwork. Truly wonderful care, if maybe a bit much.

Bp came down nicely. It was all L&D's fault.

This afternoon we had the biophysical. First time in that room since Charlotte. Bumblebee is doing well, scored an 8/8. I am a little worried about the measurements. Last time we had an ultrasound, I was 21w5d by dates, and the ultrasound came back at 22w2 days, so we were 4 days ahead. Today I was 24 weeks (YAY btw!), and we're now 23w5d. So, behind 2 days. In my mind, I lost 6 days of growth. The ultrasound tech (who was super super nice) and my MFM both said it's totally within "range" of measurements and baby looked great. The dopplers looked good, but (and this could totally be my mind messing with me), they didn't look as good as they did at the 18w u/s.

Anyway, they said he looked great, and my bp was stable all night, so I got discharged.

The stress of it all.

I'm home again now. Things are going as good as they could be. Bee is measuring 1lb5oz now or 600 grams, which is great. Dr MFM said she wants us to double (at least) that weight. Dr ObGYN said she wants it x4. Still so very far to go.

anniversary days

Today, M and I have been married for two years. It feels like so much longer when I think about how much has happened in that time. But, two years is all it is.

Today is also the anniversary of Charlotte's due date. How fun that was at first, when we realized our first child was due on our first wedding anniversary. Of course, it turned into a bad joke, when we realized after her death that we would never be able to purely celebrate our anniversary. Not even once.

We have the requisite dinner reservation tonight, at an uber expensive trendy restaurant we've never tried. I'm sure it will be great. M is at work today. I'm going to watch more OC and maybe go to the cemetery to water Charlotte's flowers as it's hot and sunny today. Bumblebee is kicking away and I'm uncomfortably round and warm. Typical pregnancy aches and pains. No biggie.

BP is okay. I feel ok. We'll hit the 24-week mark on Friday which is terrifying and exciting all at once.

Everyone- mom, MIL, family and friends have been bugging me about having a baby shower. I am not at all interested- the thought of going to a shower is nauseating, the thought of being the guest of honor at one is truly awful. I appreciate their thoughts as I know they just want to celebrate that, in their view, all is well and things are going sooo much better this time, but there is no way I can stomach it. Ugh. Games and diaper cakes and rattle-shaped cookies, streamers and blue balloons, a room full of people who are treating me like a blissful pregnant woman and oohing and aahing over this, my first baby. OMG no. I'll do without the gifts. And I'm supposed to open presents without crying? Are you kidding?

I was talking to my sister last night and she too spoke of a shower, maybe after the baby is born? I told her I wasn't interested. That's not like you, she said, obviously disappointed.

I've heard that a few times lately. Not like who? Do you remember the Heather from wedding day two years ago, because she would have jumped at a shower. She would have been the life of the party. Not now. I don't like large groups of people anymore, I hate making small talk, and I sure as hell don't want a baby shower. Everything has changed inside. To the outside world, even to my dear sister, nothing has changed really. Everyone has seemed so truly surprised when I've said, very definitively, that I don't want a stupid shower.

I don't know why I'm surprised. I've been so self-enclosed for the past 15 months. I've been quiet, reserved, house-bound. I shouldn't expect people to know what I would want now. I hate people treating this like my first baby. I know what to expect with the c-section. I've felt these kicks before and I know the crazy rush of love when you meet your baby. I know all these things, I've been there. Just because, as it stands now, bumblebee has a decent chance of coming home, doesn't erase Charlotte. I hate that everyone seems to think that a good pregnancy/hopeful happy ending erases my baby girl.

Sometimes it's the little things...

In the early weeks and months after Charlotte died, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that made me feel better. I remember mom taking me to the mall and practically begging me to choose something for her to buy me, and there was nothing I wanted. It was all just stuff, and it was irrelevant. I didn't want a new purse or shoes or even a new sofa. I just wanted my baby, and I couldn't have her.

Fast forward to today, and my lust for stuff never has really returned. Now it's even simpler things that can brighten my day.

A few in the past week:

We rearranged our living room and it looks 2x the size. I really don't know why we didn't do this earlier. I feel like I moved into a bigger house.

We got a new drawer organizer for our cutlery drawer in the kitchen. It makes me undeniably happy that my dessert and dinner forks are now separated.

I cleaned out the fridge and now there's room in there to actually see what we have.

The strawberries are ripe in our strawberry patch.

The power company installed a new streetlight just up the road and now it's not nearly so dark out there.

My MFM mentioned Charlotte and called her by name at our appointment yesterday.

Little things. Free things.

M still loves his stuff. I broke down afterwards and let him order his fancy sports car a few months ago. It should be here on Friday, and he's so very excited. Boys and their toys.

Bumblebee is kicking away. We start biophysicals 2 weeks from tomorrow. Things are going ok. I'm holding my breath.

In the meantime I think I'm going to go eat some of my strawberries.

Ultrasound #4

1 lb 1 oz, or 480 grams. That's where little bee is now. I measured well ahead of the 21w5d that I was supposed to be, and bumblebee has surpassed his big sister by 100 grams, even with three weeks of growing left to do before he catches up time-wise.

To say I'm relieved is an understatement. There's something about it that's so sad though, as I think about how small Charlotte really was, how far she was from real viability. What was so different? Unless this love.nox really does work miracles (and maybe it does), there's nothing that different in this pregnancy. I know what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty that all of a sudden my body has figured out how to grow a baby in the second trimester. Why it couldn't figure it out for her I'll never know.

Of course, the threat of pre-e, HELLP, abruption, all of that is still iminent. Growth could slow or stop at any time. BP is erratic at best. The past few days it's been steadily creeping up again, with bottoms over 100 occasionally. Probably an increase in meds soon. My heart is still doing that crazy irregular thing, and it's gotten a lot worse this week. It's driving me crazy. All of my doctors assure me it's benign, but it's extremely annoying.

From what I've read, 1000 grams is real viability. At the rate we're going, we'll hit that about 27-28 weeks. Six more weeks. Six more weeks. I can do it. Bee can do it.

21 and 4

I'm still pregnant. 21w4d now. Tomorrow is ultrasound #4, and if bumblebee is growing how he should, he will now be bigger than Charlotte was at birth. She was 3 weeks growth restricted so the size of a 21 week baby. So, so small. I have trouble with the fact that bumblebee is passing her, even though he must, he absolutely must. It's sad though, for some reason.

I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.

On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.

Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.

Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.

Have you ever noticed?

Some newborns are noticeably cuter than others?

A high school acquaintance had a baby boy a few days ago. The pictures are on FB, of course. The baby is, well, awkward looking. There are very, very few comments on the pictures, even though she has 900+ "friends". Usually the first pictures of a baby are flooded with "Oh he's gorgeous", and "What a sweet little boy" and things like that. Nothing on this one. I noticed the same fate with another acquaintance who had a baby last fall. The baby's nose was squished and someone actually had the gall to comment "If you think my nose is bad you should see the other babies".

Isn't that horrible?

Even though I'm still not in the "yay for you" camp when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I always comment on these comment-less pictures because I feel bad for the parents (who surely, and rightly, think their child is perfect) and the babies (who's awkwardness is probably the result of a tough delivery). It makes me sad that people won't even congratulate if the baby isn't anne geddes material.

People suck in general, you know?

20 weeks

Today it's 20 weeks for me, by my "slow" dates. I've been waiting forever for today. Probably not a big milestone for some (especially the normals), but according to the Canadian government, any pregnancy loss before 20w is legally considered a miscarriage, and after 20 weeks a birth (how horrible to have them draw a line like that!). If little bumblebee dies now, at least he will be considered a baby by the government. I find this oddly comforting.

Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.

My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

update

The little bumblebee is kicking away as I type, as if he's saying Don't count me out yet.

Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.

I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.

So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.

I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.

scared

Oh dear.

Bp is 167/113. Protein in my urine. Totally freaking out.

Called the ObGyn- on my way in to see her now. I'll post again when I can.

Shadow baby visit

Yesterday our BabyLand friends came to visit, to have a belated celebration of M's birthday. We offered to cook up brunch, and they accepted. I wasn't sure if they would be bringing little "shadow baby" or not, but I figured it was a distinct possibility, as I had been expecting them to drop over with her for weeks now.

They did bring her.

I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.

She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.

It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.

It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.

I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.

They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.

I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.

Randomness

My big exciting outings include trips to pharmacies in whatever large discount dept store I feel like visiting. While I'm waiting for my prescriptions to be filled, I wander around the store and look at things. Since last week's ultrasound I've been courageous enough to visit the baby section, twice. Now that we know bumblebee is a boy I've been looking at little blue onesies and sleepers, and have even picked up a couple of little things.

I've noticed something, and maybe it's just me:

Is there WAY more selection for baby girls than baby boys? It seems like the stores I've visited have had at least 2 or 3 times the amount of girl stuff than boy stuff. Is this the case everywhere, or is it just the stores I've visited? It seems to be true for clothes, bedding sets, everything. I wonder why?

* * *

Our next ultrasound is scheduled in three weeks. If bumblebee is growing on schedule he'll be the same size Charlotte was when she was born. This freaks me out some.

* * *

I plowed through the Twilight series, well, the first three books anyway, pretty quickly. I really enjoyed books 1 and 2. I thought 3 was ok. I am really struggling with book 4. I have about 250 pgs to go and I've been forcing myself to get through it. I didn't mind the birth stuff, but I'm just not enjoying this one very much. Anyone else find #4 was weak?

* * *

My sister sent me the DVDs of The O.C., which I have never seen. Juicy teenage drama is right up my alley right now. I'm partway through season 1, and I'm hoping the four seasons will see me through until the next ultrasound. So far I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am all about TV on DVD when I'm on bedrest. An excellent way to spend time.

I think that's it from me today.

A much better place.

I feel 100X better than I did on Friday. Thank you all for your understanding and support. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. There's certainly no one IRL that I can run to with this stuff- and I really needed someone to listen, to say I wasn't crazy, to say they felt like that too. Thank you.

After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).

After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.

Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.

The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.

Ultrasound...

Oh ladies, I am such a blubbering mess.

Our ultrasound was uneventful. Baby has lost a few days of growth since our last ultrasound but is still measuring ahead a couple of days from our baseline ultrasound at 8w. So, that's good. All the body parts are there and in good order and -get this- they didn't need to get the radiologist! That was strange.

The tech was really sweet and turned the screen so I could see. She talked her way through telling us what she was measuring etc. At the end she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. She flicked a couple of buttons and a picture popped up on the screen, profiling a very defined little penis.

Boy? I asked.

Definitely, she said.

I had told myself all along, many many times, that the sex was irrelevant. All we wanted was the baby to come home. That's still true, but I really, really, wasn't prepared for the HUGE rush of emotions that flooded me instantly.

As soon as she left the room the tears came. Poor M didn't know what to make of me, I was in such a state. I cried my out of ultrasound down the hallway and to the car. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes before we even started the engine, as I cried my eyes out and didn't even know why. I didn't realize, until that moment, how badly I wanted this baby to be a girl. I feel like such a bitch saying that- after what we've been through the thought that I would cry over the baby's gender of all things- especially considering the ultrasound was good when it could have been so bad- well, those thoughts just made me sadder. I was sad for being sad.

Every time I've thought about parenthood since Charlotte I guess I've always pictured parenting, well, her. Logically I knew the difference, but I guess more than I realized I've really imagined myself with a little girl, doing little girl things. I've never really pictured myself with a boy. Well, now there's a little boy growing inside me and I don't really know what to make of it.

I know it's not politically correct to be disappointed in your baby's gender. And I do want this baby, I really do. And, I LOVE little boys so I don't know what my problem is. From reading other's blogs, etc., I think it's pretty common for us loss mamas to want, well, what we lost. I was banking on another girl without realizing it. I kind of feel like I lost my little girl all over again.

It's just so overwhelming. All of it. I feel like shit.

Home again

Well, back from the hospital.

Dr Internist was his usual non-personable all-business self. He barely said anything as I explained my erratic hb and immediately sent me for a mess of bloodwork and an EKG. Of course, when he checked my pulse it was perfectly fine, even though it's been jumpy off and on all day. I think he did believe me though (I should hope so!).

My EKG was abnormal, but I don't really know what was abnormal about it. He's going to review my bloodwork and my EKG results in detail and let me know if there's anything of concern. I have to go back in two weeks regardless. Whatever it was it wasn't alarming enough to admit me right away, so I guess that's a good sign!

Little bumblebee decided to keep kicking today. I think I've felt about 3 or 4 more definitive kicks, which is so fun. I am cautiously looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday- hoping for good news, but at this point, any news! I want to know growth etc. I also want to know the baby's sex. I am uber impatient this time.

A little update...

So, Dr MFM and Dr GP both called me back. The consensus is that it's probably nothing, but I should see Dr Internist ASAP to double check (Dr Internist is quite scary IMO which is why I didn't call him yesterday. He freaks me out.) If accompanied by dizziness, chest pain or shortness of breath it's probably something and I should head to the hospital.

So, this morning I called Dr Internist and he's doing a clinic at the hospital today. The nurse scheduled me in at 2:00 which was great. The irregularity has come back a few times in the past day or so, and this morning, for the first time, I'm quite dizzy. I've been dizzy off and on this whole pregnancy so I don't know how dizzy I should be before I'm worried. Right now, I'm not really worried. I see the doctor at the hospital in just a few hours so I'm sure whatever it is he'll fix me up.

Ah, the fun. I think I might pack a hospital bag in case he admits me.

You know you're a high-risk babylost mom when....

You pack your hospital bag at 18 weeks.

Anyway, on a fun note, I felt my first kick this morning. I've been feeling flutters for weeks, but today was the first defined kick. I had my hand on my tummy and I felt it in my hand too.

Keep growing little bumblebee!