Official bedrest day 2. I've been on "reduced activity" since 12 weeks but at least I had driving priveleges, and "leaving the house" priveleges, even if it was just to go to the library. Ugh. Going nowhere now, which is fine if that's what it takes, but it makes for long days.
My nurses have come, yesterday and today. They are lovely. We do all the regular pre-natal stuff- bp of course, urine, reflexes, doppler heartbeats. We'll do non-stress tests 2x a week in the comfort of my living room which is a hell of a lot better than trekking off to the hospital all the time. I love hearing Bumblebee's heartbeat, and he seems to resent dopplers and monitors, and constantly tries to kick them away, which makes everyone laugh. What a little scalliwag.
The head home care nurse came to visit me in the hospital before I was discharged on Monday. She gave me the synopsis of the program, and proudly stated that We've never had a bad outcome. I asked her what she meant. They've never lost a mom, or lost a baby.
Never lost a baby?
The prenatal home care program is in place for people like me, high risk moms, lots and lots of them pregnant women with high bp. Other problems too. They've been at this seven years and they've never lost a baby.
I wasn't on this program last time.
I'm a different patient this pregnancy. I am well informed, maybe too well informed. I know the risks, the symptoms, the statistics. I've lived them. I know what the ambiguous epigastric pain feels like first hand. I've met with neonates and psychologists and I've read everything I could find about HELLP and pre-e and how to give yourself the best chances. I have an idea of what to expect if we deliver at 28 weeks, 30 weeks, 34 weeks. I keep over-the-top records of bp readings, urine sticks, medications and tests. My doctors rely on my own homemade chart more than the records they keep on my behalf.
Last time, I knew nothing.
I remember the first time at the doctor that my bp was high. I was about 14 weeks with Charlotte. He took it manually and frowned, and then hooked me up to a digital machine that would do 6 readings and average them. He left the room.
They started. 170/113, 168/110, 182/115. I didn't even know enough to know that they were high. 120/80 stuck out in my head as "normal", but I knew nothing about where normal ended and high began. There was a poster on the wall about diabetes, listing factors that would make you high risk. One of them was blood pressure higher than 135/85. I remember thinking, wow, mine must be high then. It took my gp and two specialists a full month or more to figure out a dose of medication that controlled it for the time being.
After that, I read a lot about high bp in pregnancy. Very very few resources mentioned that the baby could die. Most of it talked about bedrest for a few weeks pre-delivery, at most, and HELLP was always mentioned, but never dwelled upon. It was considered serious in everything I read, but it was always at the end of the pregnancy, so you just delivered and everyone lived happily ever after. Once in awhile there would a disclaiming sentence like occasionally presents in the second trimester.
So, now, with little bumblebee heading towards real, true viability and Charlotte's memory box sitting on my dresser, I wonder constantly, what would have happened if I knew then what I know now. My intellect tells me that nothing would have changed. HELLP would have set in at 24 weeks and that would have been it. All the monitoring and knowledge wouldn't have made any difference. I felt exceptionally well cared for last time- my doctors were diligent and thorough, but there was no history to rely on. My care this pregnancy has been more informed on all counts. We all know what we're watching for. I have done everything in my power that I possibly could do to get myself this far along, as, like you, I know the horrible horrible side of having it crash.
My brain might be logical, but my heart wonders and worries that I didn't do enough last time, that we made bad decisions and didn't take things seriously enough until it was too late.
M came to pick me up at the hospital on Monday shortly after my conversation with the neonatologist. I was thrilled with my 90%, but I was expecting a number somewhere around there because I've done so much reading and research in the past year or so. M is not as well versed in the stats. I was so excited to tell him, and while he was so happy too, his face fell a little bit and he said, Charlotte was so close.
She was, but she was also so very far.
My doctors always comment on how I'm going the extra mile in this pregnancy, how I'm the model patient, how I make their jobs so much easier. They assume it's because I'm desperate to have this baby survive. They're right, of course, but part of it is also because if something bad does happen to bumblebee, I have to know that I did everything. My diligence is partly selfish. The guilt is not something I could survive twice.
Now that things are going well there's this new guilt surfacing, the "what-if" guilt. A weird version of survivors guilt, even though we still have a long way to go.
I just want to be one of those glowing pregnant women. Must be nice.
9 comments:
Yep, must be nice...! :p Ultimately, it is not within our control -- but I do believe that knowledge is power & it's better to be informed than not. Hangin there...
I love that you make charts and track everything so well, you sound like me.
I agree with you, I want to do everything possible, and I have been but still no luck. Once I get pregnant and stay that way for longer than a week or so I will be charting and monitoring and making sure everything is going just right.
There's a guy at work whose wife is nearly due. I remember when I found out she was pregnant. Now that her due date is so close (this week) it still amazes me that women get pregnant and then poof, 9 months later they have a baby. As if it's so easy. I wish it was. I really wish it was.
hugs hugs hugs!!!
Day 2. ugh!!!
Are you totally stuck in bed, or can you sit on the couch? cook dinner?
The lack of stuff to do cannot be helping with your worries and feelings of guilt. I'll say it, I don't think you did anything wrong by Charlotte. I know you know this, but still feel guilty. Can you believe that it is taking a whole team of nurses!
If you are going crazy from boredom, email me. I work at home on my computer, so the email is often up (aksvlp AT mac com) I too am going crazy today - can't focus.
And it is good that you are now informed. Those stupid pregnancy books never have the info that is actually needed! We should write one called the "real Pregnancy book", skipping all the stuff the others cover, but giving in depth info on the real risks - looking up symptoms etc.
So glad the nurses are good. I wish it were easier to fend off the guilt.
It sounds like you are in good hands. I know this must be hard especially playing the what if game. I know it is hard to avoid. Just know there was nothing you could have done differently then and you are doing everything now. You are in my thoughts! ((HUGS))
Yep, I hear you on so much of this, even though our situations were very different. I feel cheated and totally blindsided that I wasn't given the real facts and stats with Hope. I am quite sure if I knew at least part of what I know now, Hope would be here. People say not to beat myself up about that, and I try not to, but I think our caregivers should be more forthcoming with this scary stuff. Yes it is scary, but scaring us might just save a few more babies. And you're right, books and websites also seem to skim over the facts. Dead baby is always the worst case scenario, but you'd think it happens far less than it does when you read those books. I was so horrified to learn just how common all these things were.
I'm wishing you and Bumblebee well and hoping he stays safe inside for a few more good weeks yet.
xo
I still feel the "what if"guilt. Hugs.
I so get what you're saying. I, too, have read and monitor and etc. and etc. Would it have made a difference last time? You know what, I don't think so. I think that thought crosses our minds because we like to think it's making a difference this time :) (And YAY for you because it is!!!)
I'm so glad about the wonderful care you're receiving.
The what if's can really get to you. You did the best you could with what you knew. Your docs were in charge and were to know more than you, that's why we have them. I am so sorry you have to do this mental gymnastics on top of everything else. As much as you can, try to keep focus on everything you are doing NOW, it is what you have control over and it sounds like you are doing EVERYTHING that can be done to keep this little one safe and healthy until it's time ot come on out.
I so get your mental flow tho. I do the very same thing. Even knowing nothing I could have done would have changed anything. And boy, do I get the shiny happy pg envy...ugh.
xxoo
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