Charlotte's stone is in. And beautiful. And real. I will post a picture as soon I as I can reel M in to upload it for me.
I've been trying to think of a word to describe my current state-of-mind. The best I can figure at this point is defeated. I feel so kicked down. I've reconciled so many things and have accepted that this is my life now, and I feel tired, beaten, withdrawn.
Defeated.
I think seeing Charlotte's stone really, really, solidified that my baby is dead. I know I haven't been walking around the past seven months thinking that by some miracle she was alive, but seeing it literally carved in stone changed something. My baby is dead. She really, really, is. I had a baby, and she died.
We'd like to start TTC in the new year. Problem- my cycles have been ridiculously long since Charlotte. About 8 weeks. I'm back to see my ObGyn in a few weeks and anxious for her opinion, but I figure this just can't be good for TTC.
I am now officially off of the bp pills. My bp is okay, but not great, and again, I feel pretty discouraged that I'll ever get through a pregnancy pre-e free.
We've had a huge change in our friendship circle. We have so few good friends now. I have lost all energy to talk on the phone, to attend parties, to exchange gifts. We've opted out of nearly everything these past seven months. It's to the point now where the invitations have stopped coming. I've become much more distant with my family, too. The phone rarely rings. I don't have the energy to call anyone.
I'm prepping to start my full-time university gig in January. I don't feel prepared. I feel rather unqualified and I'm scared, to be honest.
So, here I sit, in my lovely little lonely house, and realizing all of these changes, I feel truly defeated.
See, life, you got me. You really got me. You can stop now.
4 comments:
I am glad the stone turned out so well, I look forward to seeing it.
Defeated is a good word for this. Like being on the ground, curled up, while life continues to kick you.
Hang in there. And don't worry, the friends and family that really, truly matter are just giving you space.
xo
g
Defeated - sounds about right.
I feel it, too. I know full well that my baby is dead, but there are moments when it hits me all over again, that this is the way things are now, that he's truly gone. And oh, does it hurt.
Thinking of you and your Charlotte.
Heather, I used that exact word in my post earlier today to describe how I felt back in April when I learned that Sean had no heartbeat. Defeated is truly the appropriate word. I think that is what drives me to try again, I want to overcome that defeat. I know Isabella and Sean will never be replaced, but I know my desire to be a mother to living children will never be satisfied if I don't keep trying.
Happy to know that Charlotte's stone arrived and you feel comforted by it. I'm sure it's beautiful, I look forward to seeing the photo.
I feel very much defeated by life. And even now, one year later, I wonder when/if this feeling will ever leave.
Thinking of you and Charlotte.
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