According to our psychologist, M and I are in somewhat of a slump.
I feel like I'm in a slump. We're heading into the normalcy of fall and I think that's what's doing it for me. Soon summer will be over, all the faraway friends will return home to their lives, and we'll still be here.... waiting for nothing.
More and more invitations arrive that we turn down. Yesterday it was the invitation to our godson's first birthday party. I mean, no way. There is no way I can go to that. When I was pregnant one of the first people I told was his mommy, my good friend, and she was so excited that she cried. We anticipated this party, thinking of all the little ones that would be arrived by then, how full her house would be of babies. The rest of them are now here. Charlotte's not.
Babyland is a really gross place to be when your baby is dead.
For anyone who's been here/is here/may be here, how do you handle this? What do you do when your whole social circle is baby-obsessed and not only do you not fit in, but it is physically painful to participate? How far should I be pushing myself with this?
A good friend from high school is in town; I haven't seen her in almost 10 years. I'd love to see her, but, she's toting her six month old baby girl with her. I don't know if I can do that. I've been avoiding the Facebook plans for a high school reunion of us girls, I haven't participated in the comments of when and where we should meet because I don't know if I can. I read everyone else's exclamation of Can't wait to see that baby! and I think, no, not me. How can I sit a barbeque with these 4 or 5 girls and pass around that baby and not be reduced to tears?
Yesterday, our psychologist said it sounds to her like we've been locked out of our lives. It feels that way. As I graciously turn down invite after invite, I wonder when they'll stop coming.
The summer has been somewhat of a relief. My single girlfriends have all been in town- there've been drinks at martini bars, shopping expeditions, that sort of thing. It's been distracting, and fun. As summer ends so will that, then the only social events will be in Babyland, and I'm dreading it.
Sometimes I think, ok, you won't die. Just go. Do it. Move in with them for a week if that's what it takes to get over this hurdle. But in the first few moments of "trying", when the tears start coming and that ache starts in my chest, I have to get out. I can't do it.
Any advice, wisdom or experience welcome please. I need assistance here.
2 comments:
It took quite a bit of time for me to re-engage in babyland people's lives. I couldn't take any of it for the first 6 months. It's only now, 9 months out that I am slowly letting it creep back in. I still only accept absolutely necessary invites - no little kid bday parties, they don't care if I am there or not anyways. No baby showers.
Sure, I may be shutting out things, but at this stage, it's about self preservation. Feeling better first then creeping back out and only with really close people that I know I will miss if I don't keep in touch with them (and their babies).
Don't beat yourself up too much about it right now. Be gentle and don't worry about where you "should" be right now in the grief process.
First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I can tell you that I feel the same way. Lost my baby Ethan at 32 weeks due to a cord accident May 23,2008.
The bad thing is that 2 of my 3 closest friends were pregnant at the same time. One of my best friends, had her baby 1 month before our son was delivered still. She was still on maternity leave and I was home, she'd call me and want to go shopping or out to lunch. At first, it was fine, she'd leave the baby. But then slowly she began to bring him around. And although now I can tolerate seeing him, it's still hard. It bites you when you least expect it.
I agree with g, take your time. Grieve at your own pace.
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