Home

We're home. Finally.

Thank you all for your generous outpouring of love and support. It means the world to me, and big thanks to Sally for updating the blog.

We had the amnio last Thursday, as planned. I left the assesment unit and headed straight to the maternity ward as my BP was 160/104 and they wanted me admitted right away. I was having headaches and such, the typical pre-e symptoms. There was talk of an emergency c-section that afternoon. I was not prepared for that.

At any rate, a few hours later the resident came in to tell me that the amnio was negative, that Bumblebee was not ready. She said my ObGYN felt I was stable for the time being, and that she would come in the next morning to discuss our options. The surgery had tentatively been booked for 10am on Friday morning, and they weren't going to cancel it yet.

Bright and early on Friday, Dr K came in with a team of med students and residents, and said, very definitively, that unless I had some strong objections she wanted to go ahead and deliver. We talked of the risks to Bee considering the negative amnio- potential respiratory distress, etc., and the risks of waiting considering my declining health. Seeing as I NEVER thought I'd ever make it to 36 weeks (and neither did she), the prematurity risks were pretty small in my mind, and I was more comfortable with that than I was with waiting a few days and having the potential risks of full-blown Pre-E and HELLP. Plus, my bloodwork was showing a rise in liver enzymes and a drop in platelets. BP was still 160/100 even with an increase in meds. By definition, another case of HELLP, but caught so early this time and much much less severe than with Charlotte.

I told her that I thought we should quit while we were ahead. She completely agreed. It was time.

A few hours later I was wheeled into pre-op. It was so different this time- calm and quiet, no huge emergency. I even walked into the OR. The neonates were there with a resuccitation team (I didn't like the sound of that one bit), as they knew we were delivering with a negative amnio. I was blessed with a fantastic medical team- the world's sweetest anesthesist, my beloved OB and my favorite resident and med student. The surgery was fine- no nausea or any negative reactions to anything. I didn't shake like last time. I was comfortable.

On TV it always seems like the baby is out almost instantly in a c-section. Not this baby. I'd say it was half an hour or so. They warned me of the pressure and then announced his head was out. Then he got stuck. Then I heard these little gurgles of crying and then a loud yell from Bumblee.

Do you hear that Heather? they said. He's screaming! M and I were both in tears.

He was whisked away to be evaluated and you could hear him continue to cry from the next room. A few minutes later he was swaddled and on my chest, whimpering. So very very sweet. He was ok. He even got 9/9 on his Apgars.

We held him for 20 minutes or so. He started to get a bit "moany" so they brought him back to the neonates again. They decided to go ahead and admit him to the NICU and brought Mike with him.

I sat in recovery with another lovely nurse and we gossiped about celebrities etc. It was so hard to believe that my baby was here. M would come back from time to time with updates- he was 5 lbs 5 oz., 18 inches long. He has an IV now. He's on the CPAP machine. He's ok, he holds my finger.

After my requisite time in the recovery room they wheeled me by the NICU to see him. So precious. Even under the wires and beeping monitors he was so sweet.

I was brought upstairs to the maternity floor and that's where the memories get fuzzy. I had apparently lost a lot of blood in the surgery, and my blood pressure plummetted. It went from 160/100 to 80/40 and I felt so very sick- completely nauseated, blurred vision, weak and faint. They had to up something in my IV to get the BP up a bit, but I have very little memory of the rest of the day. By Saturday morning I was feeling somewhat better, but I almost fainted several times and had to lie flat on my back in order to stay alert at all. If I moved at all it was not a good scene. Anyway, I didn't get to go back to the NICU until Saturday evening, so I missed a whole day with my bumblebee.

By late Saturday he was off the CPAP. By Sunday morning out of the incubator and into a crib. Sunday afternoon they brought him up to the maternity floor to room-in with us. Again, completely surreal. He didn't feel like mine, probably because I had lost so much time with him. He was so adorable and precious, but completely didn't feel real. Our bonding took a little time, but we're ok now.

So, we were finally discharged yesterday. My hemoglobin is very low due to the blood lossy, so I have to be careful getting up out of chairs and bed and very very careful carrying Adam. (More often than not, M and I still call him the Bumblebee.) We're settling in. He's such a sweet boy, and it's so magical to look at him and think of all the possibilities ahead.

We miss Charlotte so, so, much. Next to Adam in the NICU there was a little 24-weeker, a girl, who was almost a month old. She was a full-time job for the nurses, and there were constant alarms and buzzers and tweakings with her. It broke my heart- for that baby, for her family, and for our baby girl who didn't even make it that far. I am so thrilled and happy that Adam is here and healthy, but he will never replace my baby girl, and he shouldn't be expected to. I am surprised yet comforted by the separateness of the two babies- it is completely possible to be sad and elated at the same time, the feelings do not cancel each other out at all. I can enjoy Adam while still missing Charlotte, and I think that's the way it should be, for us.

But we're home. He sleeps next to me, swaddled in three blankies in his bassinet. His sister's picture is next to us on the dresser. This is our normal. And I'm ok with it.

Bumblebee is here!!

Hello all, Sally here accessing Heather's blog from across the Pacific with some very good news. It is with great delight and a squeal of excitement that I can announce the safe and much anticipated arrival of Heather's son and Charlotte's new baby brother:

Adam Charles David

Born at 11.50am on Friday 16 October, weighing 5 pounds 5 ounces.

A note from Heather's husband said:

"Adam is doing well, he just needs a little help with breathing and is NICU for a few days. Heather is doing well but her blood pressure is still a bit erratic.

Thank you all for your support through this very long and stressful pregnancy."

Always remembered and always loved
Baby Charlotte Molly
April 4, 2008

Stay tuned!

Stay tuned for updates on Bumblebee's arrival!

The lovely Sally at Tuesday's Hope has graciously agreed to update my blog while I'm in the hospital and void of internet. Right now, the section is scheduled for Friday. Of course, anything can happen, and we might be sooner or later. My bp is creeping up again, so I have a feeling I'll be stuck in the hospital sometime over the next couple of days, likely until after bebe arrives.

Thank you all so much for your support through this pregnancy. Means more than I can say, really.

Just a few days...

I was in the hospital all week. Admitted on Monday with a bp of 154/112, we thought that was it, that Bee would be coming very very soon. They doped me up with more medications and drew labs and said we would "wait and see". I stabilized and then on Thursday was sent home. I was home long enough to read a couple of blogs and leave a couple of comments, and then on Friday the BP spiked again and I was back in the hospital. Discharged again late yesterday, only because my home care nurses are great, and I live 5 mins away should I get any of the other symptoms I'm always told to watch for.

My platelets are on the decline. They're not dangerously low yet, but they're definitely getting lower. All a sign of impending HELLP. I have a feeling that regardless of the amnio result on Thursday (if I make it to Thursday), that bebe is coming out this week. My obgyn is at a conference and will be back on Wednesday, and since she's been gone the covering doctors have handled me carefully. My history is "huge", they say. At any rate, I'm looking forward to having my own doctor back.

Bumblebee is a little trooper though. It amazes me that he can grow and thrive in a body with blood pressures like that. He must be a strong little guy.

My goal is to deliver this baby without getting really sick, without having to be on mag sulfate, without having to have 24 hour nurses for days on end. I'd like to be up and about from the surgery the normal 12 hours later, instead of 3 days later. I'd like to have the strength to hold my baby. I'd like to remember it instead of the medicated fog. I'd like to be on the maternity floor, where I have been so many times pregnant, with a baby in a bassinet next to my bed.

So, I think as soon as my platelets crash further or as soon as I show other symptoms or as soon as I hit 36 weeks (on Thursday) then he should come out. My doctors agree.

I can't help it, I'm excited. Despite the potential medical complications for me, I am very excited to meet this little guy, see who he looks like, if he has any hair. I want to hear him cry. I want to try breastfeeding him. I have a little sleeper I want him to wear right away. Some of this sounds so normal I don't even recognize myself. I really, really, hope that he comes out screaming and is ok. I can handle some NICU time if necessary, but I need this baby to come home. If he doesn't, if something happens and he doesn't make it, then, well, I just don't know.

But I'm trying to be positive, and be excited. The carseat is installed. Bumblebee's hospital bag is packed. Bassinet is ready.

I hope it all doesn't blow up in my face.

(My apologies if I am behind on your blog. I'll try to catch up soon.)

Crossing the threshold

5 lbs. That's the estimate of the measurements this morning. Sounds like such an important number.

I said to my nurse, that's the size of a regular baby. I never, ever thought Bee would grow that big.

Bumblebee was cuddled right in to the side of my placenta, nose mashed right in. Looking pretty comfy, which showed in his (lack of) movements. He's still being a very lazy baby, but we can always get him coaxed out of hiding with a popsicle and some jiggling. I had to go to L&D once this week for monitoring when he went nearly an entire day barely moving, but he woke up 10 mins into the monitoring and threw a party. What a relief.

Anyway, section is booked for two weeks from today, October 16th, depending on the results of the amnio on the 15th. I really, really, hope that it will be ago. I'm done with this.

We went to see our psychologist yesterday, for an "Oh my God there might be an actual baby at the end of this" appointment. It was helpful. M is so, so, nervous. A different nervous than me- he only sees a rainbow at the end of this journey- but he is worried about his emotions interfering with his ability to parent, he's worried that he won't know how to hold him, what to do with him. He's been reading compulsively on the internet about newborn/infant care, which is probably not good. He is so excited about the bumblebee but is so scared. He's worried about having an emotional breakdown when we meet him, he's worried he won't know what to say or do with a squirmy, crying baby.

I'm worried about all of that too, but I figure we'll manage. I'm expecting an emotional breakdown (perhaps those of you that have already had your post-loss babies can share your experiences), and I really will be surprised if we don't break down. It will be the same hospital, the same OR, the same doctors. So many commonalities, but (hopefully) so many differences. Can't imagine it. Really can't.

We grilled the resident this morning (who was the same resident I had had last year with Charlotte) about what to expect in the surgery, etc. She said if all looks well with the baby after the Apgar scores they'll bundle him up and bring him over to put him on my chest, where he will stay with M and I we're ready to head into recovery. Seriously. They are going to give ME the baby. I'm not sure about that, I'm scared to all hell to be honest. I remember after Charlotte was delivered getting so, so nauseated in the surgery, and I couldn't hold her. I hope I can hold this baby. M is not confident in his ability to hold it together so it's entirely possible we might be handing the baby off to a nurse or something. I hope that Bumblebee doesn't mind.

At this point, if these are the worst problems I have, I think we're doing pretty good. :-)

BP is still heading on an upward trend, but just under the threshold for hospital admittance. Hopefully can hang out at least a little while longer without having to go in.

Time is ticking

So, BPP and appt with my MFM this morning. I laid it out there- the nightmares, the lack of fetal movement, the worry. What to do. She was great about it. I have to continue my kick counts of course, and if at ANY time I don't get the requisite number, head to L&D right away. She said she doesn't care if I'm there everyday, it's better safe than sorry.

And... (this is the exciting part)

AMNIO IS SCHEDULED THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY!

*If* it comes back positive for lung maturity (which is a big "if"- she said it's about 50/50), we'll probably go ahead and deliver the following day, which will be October 16th. Three weeks! That's it! I can do it, I can. If it's negative then we wait a week and rinse and repeat.

Of course, if things start going south for either me or him in the meantime we deliver ASAP.

I feel infinitely better having (a potential) ending date. Even if it's delayed at least I feel progress. And, at any rate, me and Bumblebee should be home and settled by Halloween, which will be so sweet.

He was true to form during the BPP and barely budged at all. At least they saw what I was talking about. He did pass though, barely, again. Everything on the ultrasound looked good. I have to wait another week for measurements.

We have a bassinet and a package of newborn diapers, some baby shampoo. That's about it. The nursery is pretty much ready but I don't think that he'll be sleeping in there for some time anyway. Now I feel like I need to get other things ready. All my "normal" pregnant friends are consumed with making freezer-ready meals and things like that. Is there anything I should be doing to prepare for the "after"? It's so hard to imagine an "after". I don't want to come home with the baby and realize that we are so not ready. The same time, it's hard to imagine coming home at all, and I can't think of what I can do now that would make life easier then.

I am so excited today. There is a (hopeful) light at the end of this long, stressful tunnel.

Visits and NSTs

My sister and niece have come and gone. What a darling, darling little baby. She's nearing the 18-month mark, has mastered a toddler's walk, and is learning new vocab every day. She looks like a blend of my sisters and I, and I really really would have kept her, if the option had been there. Of course, it wasn't.

It was so natural to spend time with her. It was really, really hard to see her as my niece alone and not mine, as she looks so much like me and in her little mind's confusion often called me mommy. It broke my heart, every time. We cuddled and played and sang songs, she has mastered the "ABC" part of the alphabet song and we made progress at "LMNOP". Even though we had never met before she had no transition period- she latched on from the moment she arrived to my sister's delight, who was desperate for some child-free time. She adored M- she literally followed him around the house and he tickled her, wrestled with her and gave her piggy back rides. She called him daddy many times. Again, broke my heart. And M's.

And now she's gone, and Bumblebee will be long here before I see her again. While she was here it was so difficult to not wish for two little girls - they would have had such fun, and they would have grown to be so close.

I only had one really bad emotional spell, in the middle of the night on Saturday night, which kept me up for hours and I tried to distract myself by reading vacation guides to Florida. I finally crept back to bed at 6am, trying to void my mind of the injustice, once again, in losing Charlotte.

Sigh.

Bumblebee came very, very close to not passing a NST yesterday. The first 20 mins were a straight line on the monitor- no fluctuation in HB at all. This baby freaks me out on a regular basis. He is not a big mover. I go hours without feeling him, and even when he does move, the movements are so gentle. I often miss them if I don't have my hands on my tummy. Anyway, he slept soundly through the first part of the NST, and Lovely Nurse seemed a big worried. I had already had a popsicle and juice, so I had more juice and we jiggled my belly and I rolled onto my side. He finally did wake up a little, and they got the readings they wanted and the strip was read as "normal". I have been a compulsive kick counter all along, and while I always get the requisite "6 in 2 hours" my doctors talk about, I really wish he was more active. I don't really know what else to do- I have NSTs every 2 days as it is. I kick count. I call my nurse if he doesn't move and we do another NST. BPPs every week. It frightens me so that he might slip away and I not even notice it because he's such a lethargic baby. I truly cannot wait until this baby comes out. Mentally I am getting to the end of my rope. My BP is on it's way up to prove it.

32w5d now. Getting so close. Still feels like forever.