Some newborns are noticeably cuter than others?
A high school acquaintance had a baby boy a few days ago. The pictures are on FB, of course. The baby is, well, awkward looking. There are very, very few comments on the pictures, even though she has 900+ "friends". Usually the first pictures of a baby are flooded with "Oh he's gorgeous", and "What a sweet little boy" and things like that. Nothing on this one. I noticed the same fate with another acquaintance who had a baby last fall. The baby's nose was squished and someone actually had the gall to comment "If you think my nose is bad you should see the other babies".
Isn't that horrible?
Even though I'm still not in the "yay for you" camp when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I always comment on these comment-less pictures because I feel bad for the parents (who surely, and rightly, think their child is perfect) and the babies (who's awkwardness is probably the result of a tough delivery). It makes me sad that people won't even congratulate if the baby isn't anne geddes material.
People suck in general, you know?
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
20 weeks
Today it's 20 weeks for me, by my "slow" dates. I've been waiting forever for today. Probably not a big milestone for some (especially the normals), but according to the Canadian government, any pregnancy loss before 20w is legally considered a miscarriage, and after 20 weeks a birth (how horrible to have them draw a line like that!). If little bumblebee dies now, at least he will be considered a baby by the government. I find this oddly comforting.
Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.
My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.
My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
update
The little bumblebee is kicking away as I type, as if he's saying Don't count me out yet.
Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.
I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.
So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.
I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.
Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.
I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.
So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.
I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.
scared
Oh dear.
Bp is 167/113. Protein in my urine. Totally freaking out.
Called the ObGyn- on my way in to see her now. I'll post again when I can.
Bp is 167/113. Protein in my urine. Totally freaking out.
Called the ObGyn- on my way in to see her now. I'll post again when I can.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Shadow baby visit
Yesterday our BabyLand friends came to visit, to have a belated celebration of M's birthday. We offered to cook up brunch, and they accepted. I wasn't sure if they would be bringing little "shadow baby" or not, but I figured it was a distinct possibility, as I had been expecting them to drop over with her for weeks now.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Randomness
My big exciting outings include trips to pharmacies in whatever large discount dept store I feel like visiting. While I'm waiting for my prescriptions to be filled, I wander around the store and look at things. Since last week's ultrasound I've been courageous enough to visit the baby section, twice. Now that we know bumblebee is a boy I've been looking at little blue onesies and sleepers, and have even picked up a couple of little things.
I've noticed something, and maybe it's just me:
Is there WAY more selection for baby girls than baby boys? It seems like the stores I've visited have had at least 2 or 3 times the amount of girl stuff than boy stuff. Is this the case everywhere, or is it just the stores I've visited? It seems to be true for clothes, bedding sets, everything. I wonder why?
* * *
Our next ultrasound is scheduled in three weeks. If bumblebee is growing on schedule he'll be the same size Charlotte was when she was born. This freaks me out some.
* * *
I plowed through the Twilight series, well, the first three books anyway, pretty quickly. I really enjoyed books 1 and 2. I thought 3 was ok. I am really struggling with book 4. I have about 250 pgs to go and I've been forcing myself to get through it. I didn't mind the birth stuff, but I'm just not enjoying this one very much. Anyone else find #4 was weak?
* * *
My sister sent me the DVDs of The O.C., which I have never seen. Juicy teenage drama is right up my alley right now. I'm partway through season 1, and I'm hoping the four seasons will see me through until the next ultrasound. So far I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am all about TV on DVD when I'm on bedrest. An excellent way to spend time.
I think that's it from me today.
I've noticed something, and maybe it's just me:
Is there WAY more selection for baby girls than baby boys? It seems like the stores I've visited have had at least 2 or 3 times the amount of girl stuff than boy stuff. Is this the case everywhere, or is it just the stores I've visited? It seems to be true for clothes, bedding sets, everything. I wonder why?
* * *
Our next ultrasound is scheduled in three weeks. If bumblebee is growing on schedule he'll be the same size Charlotte was when she was born. This freaks me out some.
* * *
I plowed through the Twilight series, well, the first three books anyway, pretty quickly. I really enjoyed books 1 and 2. I thought 3 was ok. I am really struggling with book 4. I have about 250 pgs to go and I've been forcing myself to get through it. I didn't mind the birth stuff, but I'm just not enjoying this one very much. Anyone else find #4 was weak?
* * *
My sister sent me the DVDs of The O.C., which I have never seen. Juicy teenage drama is right up my alley right now. I'm partway through season 1, and I'm hoping the four seasons will see me through until the next ultrasound. So far I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am all about TV on DVD when I'm on bedrest. An excellent way to spend time.
I think that's it from me today.
Monday, June 15, 2009
A much better place.
I feel 100X better than I did on Friday. Thank you all for your understanding and support. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. There's certainly no one IRL that I can run to with this stuff- and I really needed someone to listen, to say I wasn't crazy, to say they felt like that too. Thank you.
After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).
After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.
Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.
The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.
After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).
After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.
Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.
The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.
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