Anyone have any experience with this?
I was resting away yesterday, outside on my lounge chair. Felt pretty much ok, my heartbeat was "loud" as usual- it seems that in my prenatal state my pulse vibrates through my entire body. It usually corresponds with my bp- the louder it feels, the higher the bp. Anyway, I went inside to check my pressure and my machine gives me the reading (154-98) and also a little vibrating heart symbol I have never seen before, which indicates irregular heartbeat.
I've taken my bp hundreds of times on that machine and this is the first time I've gotten that symbol. When I stopped to pay attention to my heart it was indeed irregular- not fast, but not even. Instead of thump-thump-thump it was more like, thump.... thumpity thump thump... thump. It went back to normal after a few minutes but was bad again last night. I was worried, but the thought of going to sit in emergency was not appealing (Come ON twenty weeks, so I can at least go to L&D!). I decided to go to sleep and see how I was this morning.
This morning the heartbeat seems to be pretty normal, although my bp is high, but that's almost normal for me nowadays. Dr ObGYN is out of town this week. I called Dr MFM and she's not in today- her secretery assured me she'll call me as soon as she can, maybe this afternoon if she drops in or tomorrow morning. I called Dr GP and left a message and now I'm waiting for her to call me back.
Has this happened to anyone else?
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
The other side
Thanks so much for the book recommendations. I am heading to the library with this list in hand- it will definitely help pass the time.
I had a very good friend through childhood and high school, and we pretty much lost touch when we went to separate universities. I would run into her mother in our hometown, and she would give me vague updates on where E was living, etc. With the progresses in the internet we became acquainted again via face.book a couple of years ago, and it was nice to see that she was happy, had met the love of her life, was pregnant, and living across the pond in Ireland.
She had her first baby girl shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. She sent me a beautiful, heartfelt email after Charlotte died. She came home to visit last summer, and E and her significant other came to visit (sans baby, which was so thoughtful), and there was no baby chat- we caught up on old times and laughed and it was like no time had passed since high school.
Around Christmas, she announced on face.book that they were expecting a second baby. She writes a really hilarious mommy blog so I read along throughout the uneventful pregnancy. She decided on a homebirth, which from what I know is much more common in Ireland than here, and even though she had a picture perfect first delivery and 2 perfect pregnancies, it made me uneasy. Like a lot of us, all I could imagine were imminent emergencies where every second counted, and I felt a little nausea every time I thought about it.
Anyway, yesterday was the day.
She was a few days overdue, not too concerned, busy chasing after her toddler and updating her blog and her face.book status every couple of hours. E is baking cookies. E is going for a walk. No non-stress tests, bp profiles, no doctors appointments. No chaos.
Yesterday, early in the morning, she updated her fb status. E is in labour and is quite enjoying it.
Oh God. All I could picture were dead babies and ambulances flying to the hospital and everything that could possibly go wrong.
She updated regularly throughout the day. Then there were a few hours that were quiet. I was convinced, totally convinced, that there had been some emergency and the baby was dead.
I was wrong.
About 11pm last night, pictures appeared. The baby girl was here, all 8 1/2 lbs of chubbiness. There were pictures of a beaming E. with a pudgy baby at her breast, still covered in baby goo. No hospital bracelets or IVs in her hand and in her own bed. She looked tired, but purely, surely happy in the most wholesome way. I finally started to breathe again.
When I was pregnant with Charlotte and still in the world where pregnancy past 12w = baby, I never once had a desire for anything resembling natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth. In fact, I would have skipped labor altogether if given the choice. It seemed ironic when I actually did get that choice by a row of doctors in my L&D room: You can have a c-section which will give the baby the best chances, especially if she's bigger than we estimate, but it's a classical c-section so you'll always have to have a c-section. You can be induced but the baby this size probably won't tolerate contractions and will likely be stillborn. Induction will probably take a couple of days.
I looked at the row of doctors standing by the end of my bed on April 4th last year. To me there was no decision to make. C-section it was. She was born a couple of hours later. The recovery from the surgery was torturous.
It will be another c-section this time, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy. I don't really mind- I know what to expect, I can imagine the room and the timeline and what it will look like and feel like. That said, lately I've found myself grieving, just a little bit, the fact that I will never ever really get to give birth to this or any other baby. It will always be clinical and planned. I'll likely never ever feel a contraction.
In the end I don't really give a shit- as long as the baby comes home they can haul it out through my nose if they like. But, days like yesterday are just reminders that I, like so many of you, lost oh so much more than the dead baby.
I had a very good friend through childhood and high school, and we pretty much lost touch when we went to separate universities. I would run into her mother in our hometown, and she would give me vague updates on where E was living, etc. With the progresses in the internet we became acquainted again via face.book a couple of years ago, and it was nice to see that she was happy, had met the love of her life, was pregnant, and living across the pond in Ireland.
She had her first baby girl shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Charlotte. She sent me a beautiful, heartfelt email after Charlotte died. She came home to visit last summer, and E and her significant other came to visit (sans baby, which was so thoughtful), and there was no baby chat- we caught up on old times and laughed and it was like no time had passed since high school.
Around Christmas, she announced on face.book that they were expecting a second baby. She writes a really hilarious mommy blog so I read along throughout the uneventful pregnancy. She decided on a homebirth, which from what I know is much more common in Ireland than here, and even though she had a picture perfect first delivery and 2 perfect pregnancies, it made me uneasy. Like a lot of us, all I could imagine were imminent emergencies where every second counted, and I felt a little nausea every time I thought about it.
Anyway, yesterday was the day.
She was a few days overdue, not too concerned, busy chasing after her toddler and updating her blog and her face.book status every couple of hours. E is baking cookies. E is going for a walk. No non-stress tests, bp profiles, no doctors appointments. No chaos.
Yesterday, early in the morning, she updated her fb status. E is in labour and is quite enjoying it.
Oh God. All I could picture were dead babies and ambulances flying to the hospital and everything that could possibly go wrong.
She updated regularly throughout the day. Then there were a few hours that were quiet. I was convinced, totally convinced, that there had been some emergency and the baby was dead.
I was wrong.
About 11pm last night, pictures appeared. The baby girl was here, all 8 1/2 lbs of chubbiness. There were pictures of a beaming E. with a pudgy baby at her breast, still covered in baby goo. No hospital bracelets or IVs in her hand and in her own bed. She looked tired, but purely, surely happy in the most wholesome way. I finally started to breathe again.
When I was pregnant with Charlotte and still in the world where pregnancy past 12w = baby, I never once had a desire for anything resembling natural childbirth, let alone a homebirth. In fact, I would have skipped labor altogether if given the choice. It seemed ironic when I actually did get that choice by a row of doctors in my L&D room: You can have a c-section which will give the baby the best chances, especially if she's bigger than we estimate, but it's a classical c-section so you'll always have to have a c-section. You can be induced but the baby this size probably won't tolerate contractions and will likely be stillborn. Induction will probably take a couple of days.
I looked at the row of doctors standing by the end of my bed on April 4th last year. To me there was no decision to make. C-section it was. She was born a couple of hours later. The recovery from the surgery was torturous.
It will be another c-section this time, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy. I don't really mind- I know what to expect, I can imagine the room and the timeline and what it will look like and feel like. That said, lately I've found myself grieving, just a little bit, the fact that I will never ever really get to give birth to this or any other baby. It will always be clinical and planned. I'll likely never ever feel a contraction.
In the end I don't really give a shit- as long as the baby comes home they can haul it out through my nose if they like. But, days like yesterday are just reminders that I, like so many of you, lost oh so much more than the dead baby.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Books, anyone?
The bp has remained high, hovering around 100 on the bottom. The top numbers haven't been too too bad (for my standards), but I don't like that bottom. I had a horrible reading yesterday of something like 156/111, but after lying on my left side for an hour it came back to something under 100, so that wasn't too bad.
Dr. GP didn't increase my meds, but considering that it doesn't seem to be stabilizing no matter how much I rest, there will be an increase this week for sure. Hopefully it will work.
Ok, enough about the stupid blood pressure.
Anyone have some trashy reading recommendations?? I've done my share of academic reading in my time, but right now I'm looking for good old fashioned summer reading trash where time will pass quickly and I don't have to do much thinking. A friend just loaned me the Twilight series, and that's exactly the genre I'm looking for. Any ideas?
QOTW from MIL (imagine this in a sing-song voice)- "Ha ha, you're carrying high this time- you're having a boy!! I bet you just can't have girls!"
WTF? If the baby is a boy, and survives, am I supposed to take solace in the fact that apparently baby girls are toxic to my system? Sometimes I can't even hold my end of the conversation because her end is just too ridiculous. Makes for a good laugh at least.
Dr. GP didn't increase my meds, but considering that it doesn't seem to be stabilizing no matter how much I rest, there will be an increase this week for sure. Hopefully it will work.
Ok, enough about the stupid blood pressure.
Anyone have some trashy reading recommendations?? I've done my share of academic reading in my time, but right now I'm looking for good old fashioned summer reading trash where time will pass quickly and I don't have to do much thinking. A friend just loaned me the Twilight series, and that's exactly the genre I'm looking for. Any ideas?
QOTW from MIL (imagine this in a sing-song voice)- "Ha ha, you're carrying high this time- you're having a boy!! I bet you just can't have girls!"
WTF? If the baby is a boy, and survives, am I supposed to take solace in the fact that apparently baby girls are toxic to my system? Sometimes I can't even hold my end of the conversation because her end is just too ridiculous. Makes for a good laugh at least.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
BP, BP what did I do to you???
169/101
145/105
150/100
That seems to be the pattern of bps for the past few days. Interspersed with a few more reasonable numbers of high 130s/80s.
Back to the GP tomorrow. Expecting an increase in meds. 16w tomorrow with the new dates.
The "living baby" thing is moving farther and farther away with each inflation of the bp cuff. Who the F* was I kidding? I'll be lucky at this rate if I even make it to 24w again.
A little disheartened, to say the least.
PS- thanks for understanding my crazy mental state of the last post- you all are really my best (only?) support in all this.
145/105
150/100
That seems to be the pattern of bps for the past few days. Interspersed with a few more reasonable numbers of high 130s/80s.
Back to the GP tomorrow. Expecting an increase in meds. 16w tomorrow with the new dates.
The "living baby" thing is moving farther and farther away with each inflation of the bp cuff. Who the F* was I kidding? I'll be lucky at this rate if I even make it to 24w again.
A little disheartened, to say the least.
PS- thanks for understanding my crazy mental state of the last post- you all are really my best (only?) support in all this.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Too much thinking....
The past week has been really hard. Nothing is wrong; actually, things are going as well as they could possibly be, but emotionally I'm a total wreck.
This whole "pregnancy-after-loss" is awful. I have far too much time to think. I've been trying to sleep as much as possible to avoid thinking. It reminds me of the early, early days after losing Charlotte, when what I wanted more than anything (except my baby, of course), was an off-switch for my brain, to give myself some peace. It came, in time. Over the months I learned to function on top of the dead baby soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. I was productive and to the outside world, normal.
The combination of pregnancy hormones and stress has sent me spiraling backwards. I think constantly of the what-could-have-beens and the what-ifs. I'm terrified of this baby dying, and I'm terrified of this baby living. What if, after all this, I'm a horrible mom? What if I'm still so wrapped up in my grief that I can't parent this baby?
I feel like one of those brides that gets so caught up in the wedding the she doesn't give a thought to the actual marriage.
I want to prepare myself for being a parent, but that process scares me too. I checked out a book from the library on premature babies and read it a few days ago. Since a preemie is a definite possibility for us, I want to know as much as I can so I can ask the right questions if something comes up. M didn't like me reading it, he thinks reading things like that will make me too sad if this baby dies. He won't discuss names, paint colors, nothing. No one will. I feel like I'm tempting fate every time I bring something up that implies that the baby might actually come home. I want to make preparations for this baby, in some ways. If we do lose this baby, I want to have some memories and mementos from the pregnancy.
This limbo period sucks. I spend my days doing nothing, lying on the couch, to give this baby the best chance. My mind races. But I feel like I can't even plan. I feel guilty every time I log on a baby website or think about names or imagine Christmas with a baby in the house.
Our big anatomy scan is on June 12, M's birthday. We're hoping to find out the sex, and hopefully everything else will be ok. That ultrasound was the first sign that something was wrong with Charlotte- the first sign of slowed growth. I think if we can make it past that milestone in the clear I might relax a bit, and maybe M will too.
Dr. MFM won't give me back my five days, even though we measured well ahead on our 14w ultrasound. So, due date now stands as November 13th, and right now I'm 15w4d. 16w2d sounded so much better. Sigh.
You know, if I wasn't pregnant I would be making myself the biggest frozen margarita right now. I need a drink.
This whole post has probably made no sense. My mind is everywhere. I'm sorry.
This whole "pregnancy-after-loss" is awful. I have far too much time to think. I've been trying to sleep as much as possible to avoid thinking. It reminds me of the early, early days after losing Charlotte, when what I wanted more than anything (except my baby, of course), was an off-switch for my brain, to give myself some peace. It came, in time. Over the months I learned to function on top of the dead baby soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. I was productive and to the outside world, normal.
The combination of pregnancy hormones and stress has sent me spiraling backwards. I think constantly of the what-could-have-beens and the what-ifs. I'm terrified of this baby dying, and I'm terrified of this baby living. What if, after all this, I'm a horrible mom? What if I'm still so wrapped up in my grief that I can't parent this baby?
I feel like one of those brides that gets so caught up in the wedding the she doesn't give a thought to the actual marriage.
I want to prepare myself for being a parent, but that process scares me too. I checked out a book from the library on premature babies and read it a few days ago. Since a preemie is a definite possibility for us, I want to know as much as I can so I can ask the right questions if something comes up. M didn't like me reading it, he thinks reading things like that will make me too sad if this baby dies. He won't discuss names, paint colors, nothing. No one will. I feel like I'm tempting fate every time I bring something up that implies that the baby might actually come home. I want to make preparations for this baby, in some ways. If we do lose this baby, I want to have some memories and mementos from the pregnancy.
This limbo period sucks. I spend my days doing nothing, lying on the couch, to give this baby the best chance. My mind races. But I feel like I can't even plan. I feel guilty every time I log on a baby website or think about names or imagine Christmas with a baby in the house.
Our big anatomy scan is on June 12, M's birthday. We're hoping to find out the sex, and hopefully everything else will be ok. That ultrasound was the first sign that something was wrong with Charlotte- the first sign of slowed growth. I think if we can make it past that milestone in the clear I might relax a bit, and maybe M will too.
Dr. MFM won't give me back my five days, even though we measured well ahead on our 14w ultrasound. So, due date now stands as November 13th, and right now I'm 15w4d. 16w2d sounded so much better. Sigh.
You know, if I wasn't pregnant I would be making myself the biggest frozen margarita right now. I need a drink.
This whole post has probably made no sense. My mind is everywhere. I'm sorry.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Updates
First of all, you guys are awesome. Thanks so much for the honest and insightful comments on my last post- it really did help a lot.
After lots of dwelling and debating I talked to M about the whole "bring the baby" scenario and decided on what I was going to do. M felt very strongly that I should try. He reminded me multiple times that it had been a long, long time since I had seen the baby and that things had changed a lot since then, it would likely be easier now. After all, these are his oldest friends, and he wants to keep them (if it was entirely up to me I'd say forget it and move on). I wasn't as convinced, but I agreed to try with the disclaimer that I might have to "run to the store" if I got uncomfortable.
So, I emailed her back and said it was ok to bring the baby, and after all that, they didn't come.
Agh.
Now I guess it's out there, and they could show up at any time at all baby in tow.
I'm so engrossed in my own day-to-day survival right now that I think I could (maybe?) manage the visit. I mean, we live in different worlds, she and I. It's impossible to make the non-babylost understand my perspective on things; I gave up trying a long time ago. I'm getting pretty good at faking it around the normals- it's just easier to pretend- and we'll see how well my acting skills hold up.
Medical updates- Dr. Internist wants to up my meds a bit. I wasn't surprised, and my bp's been creeping back up there and I just got a reading of 159/105. Great. Love.nox started hurting like hell the past two days after a few days of pain-free shots. I think it totally depends on where I do the injection. I haven't learned my safe spots yet. I'm back to my ObGyn tomorrow so we'll see where things fit.
After lots of dwelling and debating I talked to M about the whole "bring the baby" scenario and decided on what I was going to do. M felt very strongly that I should try. He reminded me multiple times that it had been a long, long time since I had seen the baby and that things had changed a lot since then, it would likely be easier now. After all, these are his oldest friends, and he wants to keep them (if it was entirely up to me I'd say forget it and move on). I wasn't as convinced, but I agreed to try with the disclaimer that I might have to "run to the store" if I got uncomfortable.
So, I emailed her back and said it was ok to bring the baby, and after all that, they didn't come.
Agh.
Now I guess it's out there, and they could show up at any time at all baby in tow.
I'm so engrossed in my own day-to-day survival right now that I think I could (maybe?) manage the visit. I mean, we live in different worlds, she and I. It's impossible to make the non-babylost understand my perspective on things; I gave up trying a long time ago. I'm getting pretty good at faking it around the normals- it's just easier to pretend- and we'll see how well my acting skills hold up.
Medical updates- Dr. Internist wants to up my meds a bit. I wasn't surprised, and my bp's been creeping back up there and I just got a reading of 159/105. Great. Love.nox started hurting like hell the past two days after a few days of pain-free shots. I think it totally depends on where I do the injection. I haven't learned my safe spots yet. I'm back to my ObGyn tomorrow so we'll see where things fit.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Is this necessary?
On Saturday we got an email from our "shadow baby" friends. We were pregnant together and they delivered a baby girl a few weeks before Charlotte's due date. I visited once (disastrous), way back last summer and that was the only contact I've had with the baby. I have had absolutely no desire to meet this child. M has, a couple of times, and he found it hard. He was more determined than I was as they're longtime friends of his, going all the way back to high school.
Anyway, we've done couple-only things with them and that's been awkward but ok.
On Saturday they wrote wanting updates on our pregnancy and M's new job, and said it would be nice to see us over the long weekend (today is the holiday here). I wrote back and said that we'd be around all weekend if anyone wanted to drop by. I just got an email back saying they might come by later today, and she asked if they can bring the baby.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I say, sure, bring the baby, or I say no. Or I ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it. Either is a shitty option. I don't want to see this baby. I heard that she's learning to walk now and babbles away, and I really, really, don't need a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should/could be doing if things had turned out differently. I don't want to hear about baby music classes and swimming and all the things we had originally planned to do together. Plus, it would be my house, which means I can't run home when I'm overwhelmed. I'd be stuck.
Or, I say no, and feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I'm sure they think everything is hunky-dory over here with the one year anniversary past and a new pregnancy. My grief time has expired to the rest of the world. I don't know how to say no without seeming ridiculous to anyone but myself.
How long is this supposed to take me? Another six months? Another two years? Will I ever feel ready to welcome this child as part of my life? I don't see it happening, I really don't. I know I could force myself, but I'm not sure if this is the time to add stress to my life.
The last thing I need is the stress of this. I can feel my bp rising just debating the issue. Just another reason while I want to curl up in bed until this pregnancy is over.
At least she asked, I guess. But I wish I didn't have to give her an answer. I'm going to take a nap now.
Anyway, we've done couple-only things with them and that's been awkward but ok.
On Saturday they wrote wanting updates on our pregnancy and M's new job, and said it would be nice to see us over the long weekend (today is the holiday here). I wrote back and said that we'd be around all weekend if anyone wanted to drop by. I just got an email back saying they might come by later today, and she asked if they can bring the baby.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I say, sure, bring the baby, or I say no. Or I ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it. Either is a shitty option. I don't want to see this baby. I heard that she's learning to walk now and babbles away, and I really, really, don't need a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should/could be doing if things had turned out differently. I don't want to hear about baby music classes and swimming and all the things we had originally planned to do together. Plus, it would be my house, which means I can't run home when I'm overwhelmed. I'd be stuck.
Or, I say no, and feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I'm sure they think everything is hunky-dory over here with the one year anniversary past and a new pregnancy. My grief time has expired to the rest of the world. I don't know how to say no without seeming ridiculous to anyone but myself.
How long is this supposed to take me? Another six months? Another two years? Will I ever feel ready to welcome this child as part of my life? I don't see it happening, I really don't. I know I could force myself, but I'm not sure if this is the time to add stress to my life.
The last thing I need is the stress of this. I can feel my bp rising just debating the issue. Just another reason while I want to curl up in bed until this pregnancy is over.
At least she asked, I guess. But I wish I didn't have to give her an answer. I'm going to take a nap now.
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