Today, M and I have been married for two years. It feels like so much longer when I think about how much has happened in that time. But, two years is all it is.
Today is also the anniversary of Charlotte's due date. How fun that was at first, when we realized our first child was due on our first wedding anniversary. Of course, it turned into a bad joke, when we realized after her death that we would never be able to purely celebrate our anniversary. Not even once.
We have the requisite dinner reservation tonight, at an uber expensive trendy restaurant we've never tried. I'm sure it will be great. M is at work today. I'm going to watch more OC and maybe go to the cemetery to water Charlotte's flowers as it's hot and sunny today. Bumblebee is kicking away and I'm uncomfortably round and warm. Typical pregnancy aches and pains. No biggie.
BP is okay. I feel ok. We'll hit the 24-week mark on Friday which is terrifying and exciting all at once.
Everyone- mom, MIL, family and friends have been bugging me about having a baby shower. I am not at all interested- the thought of going to a shower is nauseating, the thought of being the guest of honor at one is truly awful. I appreciate their thoughts as I know they just want to celebrate that, in their view, all is well and things are going sooo much better this time, but there is no way I can stomach it. Ugh. Games and diaper cakes and rattle-shaped cookies, streamers and blue balloons, a room full of people who are treating me like a blissful pregnant woman and oohing and aahing over this, my first baby. OMG no. I'll do without the gifts. And I'm supposed to open presents without crying? Are you kidding?
I was talking to my sister last night and she too spoke of a shower, maybe after the baby is born? I told her I wasn't interested. That's not like you, she said, obviously disappointed.
I've heard that a few times lately. Not like who? Do you remember the Heather from wedding day two years ago, because she would have jumped at a shower. She would have been the life of the party. Not now. I don't like large groups of people anymore, I hate making small talk, and I sure as hell don't want a baby shower. Everything has changed inside. To the outside world, even to my dear sister, nothing has changed really. Everyone has seemed so truly surprised when I've said, very definitively, that I don't want a stupid shower.
I don't know why I'm surprised. I've been so self-enclosed for the past 15 months. I've been quiet, reserved, house-bound. I shouldn't expect people to know what I would want now. I hate people treating this like my first baby. I know what to expect with the c-section. I've felt these kicks before and I know the crazy rush of love when you meet your baby. I know all these things, I've been there. Just because, as it stands now, bumblebee has a decent chance of coming home, doesn't erase Charlotte. I hate that everyone seems to think that a good pregnancy/hopeful happy ending erases my baby girl.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sometimes it's the little things...
In the early weeks and months after Charlotte died, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that made me feel better. I remember mom taking me to the mall and practically begging me to choose something for her to buy me, and there was nothing I wanted. It was all just stuff, and it was irrelevant. I didn't want a new purse or shoes or even a new sofa. I just wanted my baby, and I couldn't have her.
Fast forward to today, and my lust for stuff never has really returned. Now it's even simpler things that can brighten my day.
A few in the past week:
We rearranged our living room and it looks 2x the size. I really don't know why we didn't do this earlier. I feel like I moved into a bigger house.
We got a new drawer organizer for our cutlery drawer in the kitchen. It makes me undeniably happy that my dessert and dinner forks are now separated.
I cleaned out the fridge and now there's room in there to actually see what we have.
The strawberries are ripe in our strawberry patch.
The power company installed a new streetlight just up the road and now it's not nearly so dark out there.
My MFM mentioned Charlotte and called her by name at our appointment yesterday.
Little things. Free things.
M still loves his stuff. I broke down afterwards and let him order his fancy sports car a few months ago. It should be here on Friday, and he's so very excited. Boys and their toys.
Bumblebee is kicking away. We start biophysicals 2 weeks from tomorrow. Things are going ok. I'm holding my breath.
In the meantime I think I'm going to go eat some of my strawberries.
Fast forward to today, and my lust for stuff never has really returned. Now it's even simpler things that can brighten my day.
A few in the past week:
We rearranged our living room and it looks 2x the size. I really don't know why we didn't do this earlier. I feel like I moved into a bigger house.
We got a new drawer organizer for our cutlery drawer in the kitchen. It makes me undeniably happy that my dessert and dinner forks are now separated.
I cleaned out the fridge and now there's room in there to actually see what we have.
The strawberries are ripe in our strawberry patch.
The power company installed a new streetlight just up the road and now it's not nearly so dark out there.
My MFM mentioned Charlotte and called her by name at our appointment yesterday.
Little things. Free things.
M still loves his stuff. I broke down afterwards and let him order his fancy sports car a few months ago. It should be here on Friday, and he's so very excited. Boys and their toys.
Bumblebee is kicking away. We start biophysicals 2 weeks from tomorrow. Things are going ok. I'm holding my breath.
In the meantime I think I'm going to go eat some of my strawberries.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ultrasound #4
1 lb 1 oz, or 480 grams. That's where little bee is now. I measured well ahead of the 21w5d that I was supposed to be, and bumblebee has surpassed his big sister by 100 grams, even with three weeks of growing left to do before he catches up time-wise.
To say I'm relieved is an understatement. There's something about it that's so sad though, as I think about how small Charlotte really was, how far she was from real viability. What was so different? Unless this love.nox really does work miracles (and maybe it does), there's nothing that different in this pregnancy. I know what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty that all of a sudden my body has figured out how to grow a baby in the second trimester. Why it couldn't figure it out for her I'll never know.
Of course, the threat of pre-e, HELLP, abruption, all of that is still iminent. Growth could slow or stop at any time. BP is erratic at best. The past few days it's been steadily creeping up again, with bottoms over 100 occasionally. Probably an increase in meds soon. My heart is still doing that crazy irregular thing, and it's gotten a lot worse this week. It's driving me crazy. All of my doctors assure me it's benign, but it's extremely annoying.
From what I've read, 1000 grams is real viability. At the rate we're going, we'll hit that about 27-28 weeks. Six more weeks. Six more weeks. I can do it. Bee can do it.
To say I'm relieved is an understatement. There's something about it that's so sad though, as I think about how small Charlotte really was, how far she was from real viability. What was so different? Unless this love.nox really does work miracles (and maybe it does), there's nothing that different in this pregnancy. I know what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty that all of a sudden my body has figured out how to grow a baby in the second trimester. Why it couldn't figure it out for her I'll never know.
Of course, the threat of pre-e, HELLP, abruption, all of that is still iminent. Growth could slow or stop at any time. BP is erratic at best. The past few days it's been steadily creeping up again, with bottoms over 100 occasionally. Probably an increase in meds soon. My heart is still doing that crazy irregular thing, and it's gotten a lot worse this week. It's driving me crazy. All of my doctors assure me it's benign, but it's extremely annoying.
From what I've read, 1000 grams is real viability. At the rate we're going, we'll hit that about 27-28 weeks. Six more weeks. Six more weeks. I can do it. Bee can do it.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
21 and 4
I'm still pregnant. 21w4d now. Tomorrow is ultrasound #4, and if bumblebee is growing how he should, he will now be bigger than Charlotte was at birth. She was 3 weeks growth restricted so the size of a 21 week baby. So, so small. I have trouble with the fact that bumblebee is passing her, even though he must, he absolutely must. It's sad though, for some reason.
I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.
On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.
Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.
Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.
I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.
On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.
Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.
Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Have you ever noticed?
Some newborns are noticeably cuter than others?
A high school acquaintance had a baby boy a few days ago. The pictures are on FB, of course. The baby is, well, awkward looking. There are very, very few comments on the pictures, even though she has 900+ "friends". Usually the first pictures of a baby are flooded with "Oh he's gorgeous", and "What a sweet little boy" and things like that. Nothing on this one. I noticed the same fate with another acquaintance who had a baby last fall. The baby's nose was squished and someone actually had the gall to comment "If you think my nose is bad you should see the other babies".
Isn't that horrible?
Even though I'm still not in the "yay for you" camp when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I always comment on these comment-less pictures because I feel bad for the parents (who surely, and rightly, think their child is perfect) and the babies (who's awkwardness is probably the result of a tough delivery). It makes me sad that people won't even congratulate if the baby isn't anne geddes material.
People suck in general, you know?
A high school acquaintance had a baby boy a few days ago. The pictures are on FB, of course. The baby is, well, awkward looking. There are very, very few comments on the pictures, even though she has 900+ "friends". Usually the first pictures of a baby are flooded with "Oh he's gorgeous", and "What a sweet little boy" and things like that. Nothing on this one. I noticed the same fate with another acquaintance who had a baby last fall. The baby's nose was squished and someone actually had the gall to comment "If you think my nose is bad you should see the other babies".
Isn't that horrible?
Even though I'm still not in the "yay for you" camp when it comes to pregnancy and birth, I always comment on these comment-less pictures because I feel bad for the parents (who surely, and rightly, think their child is perfect) and the babies (who's awkwardness is probably the result of a tough delivery). It makes me sad that people won't even congratulate if the baby isn't anne geddes material.
People suck in general, you know?
Friday, June 26, 2009
20 weeks
Today it's 20 weeks for me, by my "slow" dates. I've been waiting forever for today. Probably not a big milestone for some (especially the normals), but according to the Canadian government, any pregnancy loss before 20w is legally considered a miscarriage, and after 20 weeks a birth (how horrible to have them draw a line like that!). If little bumblebee dies now, at least he will be considered a baby by the government. I find this oddly comforting.
Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.
My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Plus, now when I'm not feeling well I can go straight to L&D instead of emergency. Again, oddly comforting.
My little scare the other day was somewhat of a wakeup call. I forgot how quickly things can turn bad. Really bad. I don't have the results back from my 24Hr urine but all the sticks lately have been just trace, so it looks like the protein was a one-time deal. BP has calmed down and is back to the "normal" range for me. I've been parked on the couch for the past couple of days. I'm back to taking it one day at a time. Today, I'm not having this baby. I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
update
The little bumblebee is kicking away as I type, as if he's saying Don't count me out yet.
Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.
I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.
So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.
I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.
Dr ObGyn was eerily calm. She tested my urine again with a brand new box of sticks and it was trace positive, which was a hell of a lot better than what I got on my first morning urine at home this morning. Anyway, she sent me off for a 24 hour urine test so we'll see what that comes back with. Plus a load of bloodwork.
I had to see Dr Internist as well, and he was indifferent as usual. He didn't change my meds based on my bp readings of the past few days, but I have instructions to up the dose if the high readings like this morning continue. In a few days he heads away until August, so my next appointment with him is in 6 weeks- might as well be in 6 years for how far away that feels. I wonder if I have any hope of making it that far.
So, I have to go back to Dr ObGyn on Thursday morning, and the results will be back, and we'll see where we are.
I'm not having the baby today. That's all I know. Viability, and more importantly, real viability, seem impossibly far away. Please body, don't do this to me. We need this baby. Keep growing, little bumblebee.
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