Oh dear.
Bp is 167/113. Protein in my urine. Totally freaking out.
Called the ObGyn- on my way in to see her now. I'll post again when I can.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Shadow baby visit
Yesterday our BabyLand friends came to visit, to have a belated celebration of M's birthday. We offered to cook up brunch, and they accepted. I wasn't sure if they would be bringing little "shadow baby" or not, but I figured it was a distinct possibility, as I had been expecting them to drop over with her for weeks now.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
They did bring her.
I wish I could write that it wasn't as bad as I feared, that the anticipation was worse than the event. In some ways, that was true. I didn't cry while they were here, I smiled at the baby and made small talk with the grown-ups. When they left though, I was a mess. The emotions came so vividly and I was in bed for the rest of the day.
She's a beautiful baby. Looks just like her dad, which made her very definitively not Charlotte. Huge blue eyes, wearing a little summer dress and baby green mary janes on her little feet. Very sweet. She was perfectly behaved while she was here- there was no crying or fussing, she didn't get into anything she shouldn't have. She was perfect.
It all made me so sad. Her first birthday party was on Saturday, so I got the full play by play of that. Her mom had brought toys and she cooed and babbled and played. She stared at me (a stranger!), a lot. Her dad tossed her up in the air and bounced her on his knee and she giggled and laughed. She ate chunks of banana during brunch and her mom made a big deal of having her try different fruits (blackberries, kiwis) that she had never had before. We all smiled at her reactions.
It was really too much for me. What a living, breathing, beautiful reminder of everything we're missing, everything Charlotte never got to do. Sometimes it hits me harder than usual how little we know about our daughter. Nothing really. She never cried or smiled or opened her eyes. In her prematurity she looked like M but we'll never know what she would look like now. She never had toys,a lap bounce, little shoes or anything, really. I wonder if she would have been as happy and pretty as this little girl that would probably have been her best friend.
I can't imagine having Charlotte here like that. I still picture her as so little, and I can't believe that she and shadow baby should be the same age, that we would also be having a first birthday party and she would have toys and little friends, and be learning to eat new foods. It is such a far reality from where life has taken us.
They're having sort of an adult birthday party for her today, which is her actual birthday. M just left to attend. I declined the invite, again, as I thought balloons, streamers and glowing aunts, uncles and grandparents singing "Happy Birthday" would truly send me over the edge. I'll stay home tonight. Tomorrow is her dad's birthday and everyone is going out to dinner and then to their house for birthday cake. M is going to go, but I'll stay home, again.
I miss my baby girl. I wish she had had more of a life.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Randomness
My big exciting outings include trips to pharmacies in whatever large discount dept store I feel like visiting. While I'm waiting for my prescriptions to be filled, I wander around the store and look at things. Since last week's ultrasound I've been courageous enough to visit the baby section, twice. Now that we know bumblebee is a boy I've been looking at little blue onesies and sleepers, and have even picked up a couple of little things.
I've noticed something, and maybe it's just me:
Is there WAY more selection for baby girls than baby boys? It seems like the stores I've visited have had at least 2 or 3 times the amount of girl stuff than boy stuff. Is this the case everywhere, or is it just the stores I've visited? It seems to be true for clothes, bedding sets, everything. I wonder why?
* * *
Our next ultrasound is scheduled in three weeks. If bumblebee is growing on schedule he'll be the same size Charlotte was when she was born. This freaks me out some.
* * *
I plowed through the Twilight series, well, the first three books anyway, pretty quickly. I really enjoyed books 1 and 2. I thought 3 was ok. I am really struggling with book 4. I have about 250 pgs to go and I've been forcing myself to get through it. I didn't mind the birth stuff, but I'm just not enjoying this one very much. Anyone else find #4 was weak?
* * *
My sister sent me the DVDs of The O.C., which I have never seen. Juicy teenage drama is right up my alley right now. I'm partway through season 1, and I'm hoping the four seasons will see me through until the next ultrasound. So far I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am all about TV on DVD when I'm on bedrest. An excellent way to spend time.
I think that's it from me today.
I've noticed something, and maybe it's just me:
Is there WAY more selection for baby girls than baby boys? It seems like the stores I've visited have had at least 2 or 3 times the amount of girl stuff than boy stuff. Is this the case everywhere, or is it just the stores I've visited? It seems to be true for clothes, bedding sets, everything. I wonder why?
* * *
Our next ultrasound is scheduled in three weeks. If bumblebee is growing on schedule he'll be the same size Charlotte was when she was born. This freaks me out some.
* * *
I plowed through the Twilight series, well, the first three books anyway, pretty quickly. I really enjoyed books 1 and 2. I thought 3 was ok. I am really struggling with book 4. I have about 250 pgs to go and I've been forcing myself to get through it. I didn't mind the birth stuff, but I'm just not enjoying this one very much. Anyone else find #4 was weak?
* * *
My sister sent me the DVDs of The O.C., which I have never seen. Juicy teenage drama is right up my alley right now. I'm partway through season 1, and I'm hoping the four seasons will see me through until the next ultrasound. So far I am enjoying it thoroughly. I am all about TV on DVD when I'm on bedrest. An excellent way to spend time.
I think that's it from me today.
Monday, June 15, 2009
A much better place.
I feel 100X better than I did on Friday. Thank you all for your understanding and support. I seriously don't know what I would do without you. There's certainly no one IRL that I can run to with this stuff- and I really needed someone to listen, to say I wasn't crazy, to say they felt like that too. Thank you.
After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).
After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.
Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.
The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.
After mulling it over and getting used to the idea of a boy, I can honestly say now that I'm excited. Such a relief, and a wonderful feeling. We talked about names and how we'll decorate the nursery, and M is excited about toy trucks and fishing trips and building snow forts (pardon all the gender stereotyping!).
After the initial shock wore off I can actually see this being the preferable option- at least now the two babies will be more definitely separate. I won't be trying to relive Charlotte through this baby. It will be different, and wonderfully different. And I think that's good.
Oh- you'll laugh at this- in my frenzy on Friday I told M to inform his mother that if she said ANYTHING to me about "see, I told you that you couldn't have girls", that I would hit her. And I meant it. He was good to his word and said something to her when he visited them with the ultrasound report. I saw her yesterday and she said nada. Though she seems mad at me. Which I thought was funny.
The little bumblebee is doing well, and that's the most important thing. I am so madly in love with this baby. It's scary.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Ultrasound...
Oh ladies, I am such a blubbering mess.
Our ultrasound was uneventful. Baby has lost a few days of growth since our last ultrasound but is still measuring ahead a couple of days from our baseline ultrasound at 8w. So, that's good. All the body parts are there and in good order and -get this- they didn't need to get the radiologist! That was strange.
The tech was really sweet and turned the screen so I could see. She talked her way through telling us what she was measuring etc. At the end she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. She flicked a couple of buttons and a picture popped up on the screen, profiling a very defined little penis.
Boy? I asked.
Definitely, she said.
I had told myself all along, many many times, that the sex was irrelevant. All we wanted was the baby to come home. That's still true, but I really, really, wasn't prepared for the HUGE rush of emotions that flooded me instantly.
As soon as she left the room the tears came. Poor M didn't know what to make of me, I was in such a state. I cried my out of ultrasound down the hallway and to the car. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes before we even started the engine, as I cried my eyes out and didn't even know why. I didn't realize, until that moment, how badly I wanted this baby to be a girl. I feel like such a bitch saying that- after what we've been through the thought that I would cry over the baby's gender of all things- especially considering the ultrasound was good when it could have been so bad- well, those thoughts just made me sadder. I was sad for being sad.
Every time I've thought about parenthood since Charlotte I guess I've always pictured parenting, well, her. Logically I knew the difference, but I guess more than I realized I've really imagined myself with a little girl, doing little girl things. I've never really pictured myself with a boy. Well, now there's a little boy growing inside me and I don't really know what to make of it.
I know it's not politically correct to be disappointed in your baby's gender. And I do want this baby, I really do. And, I LOVE little boys so I don't know what my problem is. From reading other's blogs, etc., I think it's pretty common for us loss mamas to want, well, what we lost. I was banking on another girl without realizing it. I kind of feel like I lost my little girl all over again.
It's just so overwhelming. All of it. I feel like shit.
Our ultrasound was uneventful. Baby has lost a few days of growth since our last ultrasound but is still measuring ahead a couple of days from our baseline ultrasound at 8w. So, that's good. All the body parts are there and in good order and -get this- they didn't need to get the radiologist! That was strange.
The tech was really sweet and turned the screen so I could see. She talked her way through telling us what she was measuring etc. At the end she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. She flicked a couple of buttons and a picture popped up on the screen, profiling a very defined little penis.
Boy? I asked.
Definitely, she said.
I had told myself all along, many many times, that the sex was irrelevant. All we wanted was the baby to come home. That's still true, but I really, really, wasn't prepared for the HUGE rush of emotions that flooded me instantly.
As soon as she left the room the tears came. Poor M didn't know what to make of me, I was in such a state. I cried my out of ultrasound down the hallway and to the car. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes before we even started the engine, as I cried my eyes out and didn't even know why. I didn't realize, until that moment, how badly I wanted this baby to be a girl. I feel like such a bitch saying that- after what we've been through the thought that I would cry over the baby's gender of all things- especially considering the ultrasound was good when it could have been so bad- well, those thoughts just made me sadder. I was sad for being sad.
Every time I've thought about parenthood since Charlotte I guess I've always pictured parenting, well, her. Logically I knew the difference, but I guess more than I realized I've really imagined myself with a little girl, doing little girl things. I've never really pictured myself with a boy. Well, now there's a little boy growing inside me and I don't really know what to make of it.
I know it's not politically correct to be disappointed in your baby's gender. And I do want this baby, I really do. And, I LOVE little boys so I don't know what my problem is. From reading other's blogs, etc., I think it's pretty common for us loss mamas to want, well, what we lost. I was banking on another girl without realizing it. I kind of feel like I lost my little girl all over again.
It's just so overwhelming. All of it. I feel like shit.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Home again
Well, back from the hospital.
Dr Internist was his usual non-personable all-business self. He barely said anything as I explained my erratic hb and immediately sent me for a mess of bloodwork and an EKG. Of course, when he checked my pulse it was perfectly fine, even though it's been jumpy off and on all day. I think he did believe me though (I should hope so!).
My EKG was abnormal, but I don't really know what was abnormal about it. He's going to review my bloodwork and my EKG results in detail and let me know if there's anything of concern. I have to go back in two weeks regardless. Whatever it was it wasn't alarming enough to admit me right away, so I guess that's a good sign!
Little bumblebee decided to keep kicking today. I think I've felt about 3 or 4 more definitive kicks, which is so fun. I am cautiously looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday- hoping for good news, but at this point, any news! I want to know growth etc. I also want to know the baby's sex. I am uber impatient this time.
Dr Internist was his usual non-personable all-business self. He barely said anything as I explained my erratic hb and immediately sent me for a mess of bloodwork and an EKG. Of course, when he checked my pulse it was perfectly fine, even though it's been jumpy off and on all day. I think he did believe me though (I should hope so!).
My EKG was abnormal, but I don't really know what was abnormal about it. He's going to review my bloodwork and my EKG results in detail and let me know if there's anything of concern. I have to go back in two weeks regardless. Whatever it was it wasn't alarming enough to admit me right away, so I guess that's a good sign!
Little bumblebee decided to keep kicking today. I think I've felt about 3 or 4 more definitive kicks, which is so fun. I am cautiously looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday- hoping for good news, but at this point, any news! I want to know growth etc. I also want to know the baby's sex. I am uber impatient this time.
A little update...
So, Dr MFM and Dr GP both called me back. The consensus is that it's probably nothing, but I should see Dr Internist ASAP to double check (Dr Internist is quite scary IMO which is why I didn't call him yesterday. He freaks me out.) If accompanied by dizziness, chest pain or shortness of breath it's probably something and I should head to the hospital.
So, this morning I called Dr Internist and he's doing a clinic at the hospital today. The nurse scheduled me in at 2:00 which was great. The irregularity has come back a few times in the past day or so, and this morning, for the first time, I'm quite dizzy. I've been dizzy off and on this whole pregnancy so I don't know how dizzy I should be before I'm worried. Right now, I'm not really worried. I see the doctor at the hospital in just a few hours so I'm sure whatever it is he'll fix me up.
Ah, the fun. I think I might pack a hospital bag in case he admits me.
You know you're a high-risk babylost mom when....
You pack your hospital bag at 18 weeks.
Anyway, on a fun note, I felt my first kick this morning. I've been feeling flutters for weeks, but today was the first defined kick. I had my hand on my tummy and I felt it in my hand too.
Keep growing little bumblebee!
So, this morning I called Dr Internist and he's doing a clinic at the hospital today. The nurse scheduled me in at 2:00 which was great. The irregularity has come back a few times in the past day or so, and this morning, for the first time, I'm quite dizzy. I've been dizzy off and on this whole pregnancy so I don't know how dizzy I should be before I'm worried. Right now, I'm not really worried. I see the doctor at the hospital in just a few hours so I'm sure whatever it is he'll fix me up.
Ah, the fun. I think I might pack a hospital bag in case he admits me.
You know you're a high-risk babylost mom when....
You pack your hospital bag at 18 weeks.
Anyway, on a fun note, I felt my first kick this morning. I've been feeling flutters for weeks, but today was the first defined kick. I had my hand on my tummy and I felt it in my hand too.
Keep growing little bumblebee!
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