Charlotte's stone is in. And beautiful. And real. I will post a picture as soon I as I can reel M in to upload it for me.
I've been trying to think of a word to describe my current state-of-mind. The best I can figure at this point is defeated. I feel so kicked down. I've reconciled so many things and have accepted that this is my life now, and I feel tired, beaten, withdrawn.
Defeated.
I think seeing Charlotte's stone really, really, solidified that my baby is dead. I know I haven't been walking around the past seven months thinking that by some miracle she was alive, but seeing it literally carved in stone changed something. My baby is dead. She really, really, is. I had a baby, and she died.
We'd like to start TTC in the new year. Problem- my cycles have been ridiculously long since Charlotte. About 8 weeks. I'm back to see my ObGyn in a few weeks and anxious for her opinion, but I figure this just can't be good for TTC.
I am now officially off of the bp pills. My bp is okay, but not great, and again, I feel pretty discouraged that I'll ever get through a pregnancy pre-e free.
We've had a huge change in our friendship circle. We have so few good friends now. I have lost all energy to talk on the phone, to attend parties, to exchange gifts. We've opted out of nearly everything these past seven months. It's to the point now where the invitations have stopped coming. I've become much more distant with my family, too. The phone rarely rings. I don't have the energy to call anyone.
I'm prepping to start my full-time university gig in January. I don't feel prepared. I feel rather unqualified and I'm scared, to be honest.
So, here I sit, in my lovely little lonely house, and realizing all of these changes, I feel truly defeated.
See, life, you got me. You really got me. You can stop now.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Charlotte's plaque
Well, tomorrow Charlotte's plaque will be installed at her grave. She's buried at the feet of M's grandfather, and since the grass grew over in the spring, you'd never even know she was there.
But after tomorrow, anyone walking by that grave will see a granite plaque with butterflies and a single date. And her name.
She'll be a little more real, at least to the rest of the world.
Makes me feel a little better.
It's so strange how these seemingly horrific things you do as a deadbabymama can make you feel better. It actually felt good calling the cemetery to say my baby's monument is ready... when can it be installed...
My baby's monument.... words no one should ever have to say.
But after tomorrow, anyone walking by that grave will see a granite plaque with butterflies and a single date. And her name.
She'll be a little more real, at least to the rest of the world.
Makes me feel a little better.
It's so strange how these seemingly horrific things you do as a deadbabymama can make you feel better. It actually felt good calling the cemetery to say my baby's monument is ready... when can it be installed...
My baby's monument.... words no one should ever have to say.
Monday, November 3, 2008
First Snow
We woke up this morning to a world of white. 4 or 5 cm of snow covered every surface, and we could hear the radio djs grumbling, too early, too early, on our alarm clock.
The snow suits me just fine.
I need a change of scenery. A winter wonderland will fit the bill. I could also use a couple of days of all-out blizzard, where the city shuts down and we wake from hibernation a day or two later and wonder where the cars are under the endless sea of white.
But, a couple of inches is a nice start.
It's been awhile since I've written of our BabyLand friends. My one and only attempt at visiting their baby was difficult and draning. The months have ticked by and I haven't tried again. And I don't feel guilty about it. I have given myself permission to take this in my own time; maybe some morning I'll wake up and feel like I want to visit. Maybe I won't. Whatever I do is up to me.
That's my new survival tactic: Do what I want, when I want to.
Whatever you have to do, right?
M and I were invited to a Halloween party Saturday night, hosted by the Babyland crew. We had no intentions of going, and we actually had a long-standing dinner reservation at a high end hotspot where we would enjoy a very expensive, very adult evening. It was great. Seven courses later we stumbled home, content. Not great for my weight loss efforts, but great for my mood!
Yesterday we spent most of the day with my in-laws, who indeed had gone to the Halloween party. Oh, you'd hardly even know there was a baby, she said. No one paid any attention to it.
I hear this all the time. Oh, there's no evidence of a baby over there. You'd be fine.
Sure, sure I'd be.
No one gets it. No one realizes that I'm. Just. Not. Ready.
I'm not going near the place over Christmas. The holidays are going to be hard enough without a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should be doing. How big she should be by now.
No, thank you. I'll stay home with my thoughts, and that will be difficult as it is.
The snow suits me just fine.
I need a change of scenery. A winter wonderland will fit the bill. I could also use a couple of days of all-out blizzard, where the city shuts down and we wake from hibernation a day or two later and wonder where the cars are under the endless sea of white.
But, a couple of inches is a nice start.
It's been awhile since I've written of our BabyLand friends. My one and only attempt at visiting their baby was difficult and draning. The months have ticked by and I haven't tried again. And I don't feel guilty about it. I have given myself permission to take this in my own time; maybe some morning I'll wake up and feel like I want to visit. Maybe I won't. Whatever I do is up to me.
That's my new survival tactic: Do what I want, when I want to.
Whatever you have to do, right?
M and I were invited to a Halloween party Saturday night, hosted by the Babyland crew. We had no intentions of going, and we actually had a long-standing dinner reservation at a high end hotspot where we would enjoy a very expensive, very adult evening. It was great. Seven courses later we stumbled home, content. Not great for my weight loss efforts, but great for my mood!
Yesterday we spent most of the day with my in-laws, who indeed had gone to the Halloween party. Oh, you'd hardly even know there was a baby, she said. No one paid any attention to it.
I hear this all the time. Oh, there's no evidence of a baby over there. You'd be fine.
Sure, sure I'd be.
No one gets it. No one realizes that I'm. Just. Not. Ready.
I'm not going near the place over Christmas. The holidays are going to be hard enough without a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should be doing. How big she should be by now.
No, thank you. I'll stay home with my thoughts, and that will be difficult as it is.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Halloween
Just when I think my head is above water....
I have a day like today. And it's only half over.
Nothing major, just one of those heart-ached, woe-is-me days where it hits me from another angle that my baby is dead.
And it's Halloween. In the past, one of my favorite holidays, and how I had looked forward to having a baby this Halloween. I wanted to dress her in a costume and take her to the relative's trick or treating. I wanted to go all out on decorations and have friends over.
Instead, M and I are settling in with our beloved movie channels. I may or may not answer the door, depending on my mood in a few hours.
I miss my baby girl.
I had my internist appointment on Wednesday. I did indeed get to come down on my dose of medication, and he said I can go off of it altogether in 2 weeks. Exactly what I wanted. I don't even need to follow up with him unless my bp spikes up again.
But, surprising to me, I was very sad as I left his office on Wednesday afternoon.
I felt silly driving home, wiping away tears. I couldn't figure out why I was upset; I had gotten the news I had hoped for. It didn't take long for me to realize that popping those bp pills was one of the only physical links I still have to Charlotte; one of the only remaining pieces of evidence of her birth and the trauma surrounding it.
So, even though I desperately wanted to be free of the medication, I am sad in a way to see it go.
Physically, now I'm (almost) normal.
Mentally, another story.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
I have a day like today. And it's only half over.
Nothing major, just one of those heart-ached, woe-is-me days where it hits me from another angle that my baby is dead.
And it's Halloween. In the past, one of my favorite holidays, and how I had looked forward to having a baby this Halloween. I wanted to dress her in a costume and take her to the relative's trick or treating. I wanted to go all out on decorations and have friends over.
Instead, M and I are settling in with our beloved movie channels. I may or may not answer the door, depending on my mood in a few hours.
I miss my baby girl.
I had my internist appointment on Wednesday. I did indeed get to come down on my dose of medication, and he said I can go off of it altogether in 2 weeks. Exactly what I wanted. I don't even need to follow up with him unless my bp spikes up again.
But, surprising to me, I was very sad as I left his office on Wednesday afternoon.
I felt silly driving home, wiping away tears. I couldn't figure out why I was upset; I had gotten the news I had hoped for. It didn't take long for me to realize that popping those bp pills was one of the only physical links I still have to Charlotte; one of the only remaining pieces of evidence of her birth and the trauma surrounding it.
So, even though I desperately wanted to be free of the medication, I am sad in a way to see it go.
Physically, now I'm (almost) normal.
Mentally, another story.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Daily Randoms
Hmm. So my weight is down to 172.5. It's slow slow slow, but at least I'm headed in the right direction.
I have 17.5 lbs to go to a BMI of 25. I'd like to be there before we TTC. As things stand, we'd like to start TTC after Christmas, so I have 2 months to lose 17.5 lbs. Probably not going to happen, realistically. I'll keep plugging away and see how close I can get.
The gym has lost its novelty, though I'm still going. I had a little hiatis at one point but I'm back on track now. I'm thinking about trying spinning, just to mix things up a bit. Anyone have any experience?
I was at cost.co yesterday buying some groceries. When I hit the checkout, the gentleman behind me commented on how healthy my groceries were. I had tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, romaine lettuce, skinless chicken and blackberries. Yeah, pretty healthy. Story of my life. He starting making excuses for his two enormous toble.rone bars and two boxes of chocolate truffles. I just laughed and told him his choices looked a lot more appealing than mine.
Eating healthy and exercising is supposed to increase my chances of bringing home a healthy baby next time, so here we go. The healthy eating is getting old too, by the way. If anyone has some exciting low-sodium super healthy recipes, feel free to send them my way.
This afternoon I go back to my internist, Dr J. Dr J and I have a love-hate relationship. I think he's a very good doctor, but he has the bedside manner of a lamp. I started seeing him when my bp went up at 15 weeks, and I've been seeing him ever since. He saw me numerous times when I was in the hospital, both before and after Charlotte. My biggest disappointment with Dr J was when I went to his office for my first visit post-Charlotte, and his first words when he entered the exam room were Oh hi, Heather, how's the baby doing?
Um, the baby's dead. That was my response.
Oh right.
I was screaming in my head the whole time. How could you forget? I saw you two weeks ago in my hospital room obviously NOT with a baby. You gave me condolences. Plus, I have yet to see anyone besides me under the age of 60 in his waiting room. You'd think he'd at least remember me for that.
And he forgot. Thanks Dr. J.
Well, he's an internist. As a specialty I don't think they're known for their bedside manner.
So, Dr. J and I have plodded on. I am still on the blasted bp meds. My dosage has come way down, and I am finally down to a single medication. I'm hoping he'll drop the dose again today, and then hopefully a month from now he'll take me off of it altogether. Just in time for TTC. If I can help it, I'd like to be off all the drugs before we start trying. Start with a clean slate.
Oh, and guess what? Two of my undergrads took the opportunity to rewrite. One did a pretty good job, but the other? Printed pages off the internet and handed them in. With urls at the top of the page and display ads and the works. Can we say ZERO? I had to laugh. If you're going to attempt plagiarism at least retype the information!
Gave me a good laugh, if nothing else!
I have 17.5 lbs to go to a BMI of 25. I'd like to be there before we TTC. As things stand, we'd like to start TTC after Christmas, so I have 2 months to lose 17.5 lbs. Probably not going to happen, realistically. I'll keep plugging away and see how close I can get.
The gym has lost its novelty, though I'm still going. I had a little hiatis at one point but I'm back on track now. I'm thinking about trying spinning, just to mix things up a bit. Anyone have any experience?
I was at cost.co yesterday buying some groceries. When I hit the checkout, the gentleman behind me commented on how healthy my groceries were. I had tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, romaine lettuce, skinless chicken and blackberries. Yeah, pretty healthy. Story of my life. He starting making excuses for his two enormous toble.rone bars and two boxes of chocolate truffles. I just laughed and told him his choices looked a lot more appealing than mine.
Eating healthy and exercising is supposed to increase my chances of bringing home a healthy baby next time, so here we go. The healthy eating is getting old too, by the way. If anyone has some exciting low-sodium super healthy recipes, feel free to send them my way.
This afternoon I go back to my internist, Dr J. Dr J and I have a love-hate relationship. I think he's a very good doctor, but he has the bedside manner of a lamp. I started seeing him when my bp went up at 15 weeks, and I've been seeing him ever since. He saw me numerous times when I was in the hospital, both before and after Charlotte. My biggest disappointment with Dr J was when I went to his office for my first visit post-Charlotte, and his first words when he entered the exam room were Oh hi, Heather, how's the baby doing?
Um, the baby's dead. That was my response.
Oh right.
I was screaming in my head the whole time. How could you forget? I saw you two weeks ago in my hospital room obviously NOT with a baby. You gave me condolences. Plus, I have yet to see anyone besides me under the age of 60 in his waiting room. You'd think he'd at least remember me for that.
And he forgot. Thanks Dr. J.
Well, he's an internist. As a specialty I don't think they're known for their bedside manner.
So, Dr. J and I have plodded on. I am still on the blasted bp meds. My dosage has come way down, and I am finally down to a single medication. I'm hoping he'll drop the dose again today, and then hopefully a month from now he'll take me off of it altogether. Just in time for TTC. If I can help it, I'd like to be off all the drugs before we start trying. Start with a clean slate.
Oh, and guess what? Two of my undergrads took the opportunity to rewrite. One did a pretty good job, but the other? Printed pages off the internet and handed them in. With urls at the top of the page and display ads and the works. Can we say ZERO? I had to laugh. If you're going to attempt plagiarism at least retype the information!
Gave me a good laugh, if nothing else!
Angel Mommy Blog Award
Many thanks to the lovely Jen for sending me this Angel Mommy Blog Award. It's being passed to mommy bloggers who are without our babies, with the following beautiful poem.
Don't Tell Me
Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
Monday, October 27, 2008
October babies
The October babies in my circle are all out, all living, all breathing happy little bundles. All boys.
Thank you God.
There were 4 of them; pregnancies that were gleefully announced before Charlotte was born. All due in October. The final one born yesterday morning.
So, I have one November baby that I'm waiting on, and then it's clear sailing for awhile.
But there may be others- later pregnancies would have been announced post-Charlotte, and I may have been spared the news. As we've been in hibernation mode for months I may not know.
I am just so grateful that they were all boys.
The jealousy is immense, though. Especially when viewing those first happy pictures from the hospital bed- mommy still strapped to the bp cuff, baby still a little pasty. Everyone looking so purely happy. As soon as I see the email birth announcement in my inbox a pit forms in my stomach. The jealousy is all-consuming. I can hardly talk.
Makes me hate myself a little.
So, only one more arrival until my acquaintance circle is finished birthing for awhile. I can do that, I think.
Thank you God.
There were 4 of them; pregnancies that were gleefully announced before Charlotte was born. All due in October. The final one born yesterday morning.
So, I have one November baby that I'm waiting on, and then it's clear sailing for awhile.
But there may be others- later pregnancies would have been announced post-Charlotte, and I may have been spared the news. As we've been in hibernation mode for months I may not know.
I am just so grateful that they were all boys.
The jealousy is immense, though. Especially when viewing those first happy pictures from the hospital bed- mommy still strapped to the bp cuff, baby still a little pasty. Everyone looking so purely happy. As soon as I see the email birth announcement in my inbox a pit forms in my stomach. The jealousy is all-consuming. I can hardly talk.
Makes me hate myself a little.
So, only one more arrival until my acquaintance circle is finished birthing for awhile. I can do that, I think.
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