One month

Adam was officially one month old yesterday. My sense of time is so different now- I can't decide if it feels like he just got here or if he's been here forever.

Funny, I almost forgot he was a month old until we went to the pediatric dietician yesterday afternoon. So different than my sense of time after Charlotte, when, at any given time I could have told you the exact number of hours since she was born. I guess now there's more to focus on- diapers and feedings, rocking and cuddling. Less focus on counting days and hours.

I got a little sad when I realized that Nov 4th had passed me by entirely without giving it a second thought that it would have been 19 months for Charlotte.

Bumblebee is doing really well. I have been blessed with a very, very easy baby. He's very pleasant, only cries when he's hungry, and occasionally when he wants to be picked up. He can be soothed instantly, and already sleeps for pretty long stretches. Only one night-time feeding now, which is so manageable. The disruption in sleep patterns is very doable at this point- I try to have a little nap at some point in the day but otherwise I feel fine. Good. More than good, actually.

I've had a number of people comment on what a good baby he is, followed by a comment on how I "earned" this, how our loss of Charlotte somehow entitled us to World's Easiest Baby. Of course, I know that's not it, but sometimes when I look at him and think how sweet he really is, well, maybe Charlotte picked him out. Corny, I know.

A couple of weeks ago M said that he had looked at Charlotte's pictures, that he was surprised by how much she looks like Adam. It's hard to see resemblance in a 24-weeker, but sure enough when I peeked in the album there is a definite resemblance. Which makes sense, as they're siblings, but I like the idea that I get to see how Charlotte might have looked if she had gotten to grow.

There are 33 pictures of Charlotte. 7 are of decent quality, taken with the hospital digital camera before the memory card filled up. Unfortunately, they are of her when she was very very new, before a bath or clothes or before I had a chance to see her, even. The other 24 are grainy, low quality disposable camera shots that are of all of us together, but in terms of picture quality they are horrible. It is my one regret, really, that we didn't get better pictures. Considering my inlaws own a professional camera store that's 5 mins away from the hospital, it would have been so easy to get a decent camera. No one thought of it. So, my 33 grainy pictures are all I have, and all I'll ever have. Sigh.

When I looked at those pictures it was like looking at another lifetime. I still can't believe that it happened- that I was pregnant before, that there was another baby. The pictures are so, so, sad, and I can't believe sometimes that that was my reality. Still is. To the outside world now I look like a first-time mom, and in a lot of ways I feel like a first-time mom, but there's so much beneath the surface. It's a very hard thing to balance, the lost-baby/living-baby thing.

Adam is growing. We brought him home at 4 lbs 14 oz, and he was back to his birthweight a week later. Since then, he's been packing it on. 8 lbs 2 oz at yesterday's appointment. We've outgrown the preemie clothes, the 5-8 lb clothes, and are heading our way out of the regular newborn clothes. I can't believe it- I can literally see a difference in him every single day. Also a difference is his alertness, and his little personality is starting to come through. I love it- all of these changes- but it's all so bittersweet. You all know.