Making memories

Due to my recovery, the H1N1 virus, and our general need to nest with our baby, the first month of Adam's life consisted of 1) staying home, and 2) going to the doctor. There were relatively few visitors, even, as we told people to stay home if they were sick, and nearly everyone was.

This past weekend we were invited out. Our friends were having a dinner and invited their children's godparents. Their little son is our godson. He's a little over two now, and they had another baby in July, another boy. There were to be a dozen or so people, several babies and of course, several mommies.

I was so very excited to go. With months of bedrest behind me, I was starved for some social activity. I've turned down so many invitations in the past two years. This one I was determined to accept. I wanted Adam to see other children, even though he's far from interactive yet. I wanted to go out and be normal.

So, we went. It was so funny, to cross over to the other side, to full mom territory where conversations are about poop and bottles, and the price of baby portraits. I still feel a little like an outsider. Though there are lots of things to talk about when you're in a room with moms, my priorities, my focus, is different from their's. There was a lot of talk of where to buy THE baby Christmas outfit, where the "cleanest" mall Santa was for pictures. They looked at me incredulously when I said we didn't yet have a growth chart. They were shocked when I said we hadn't set a date yet for his christening, actually, hadn't even thought about it.

Adam is alive. He's here, healthy, growing. I haven't put my parenting energy into researching baby photographers like these moms. Sure, a picture with Santa would be nice, but I haven't really thought about it. I have a fuzzy sleeper I thought would be nice for Christmas Eve but that's it. We'll get around to the christening at some point, no rush. My energy is spent marvelling, enjoying and embracing every detail of my little boy. All the other stuff is just stuff.

A few years ago M and I went whale watching. M had just bought a new camera and was determined to have good pictures of whales. If you've ever whale watched, you know that it's a split second viewing- they surface and then they're gone. He stood on the shore for an hour or more looking through his viewfinder for that perfect shot. He never got it, and never saw any whales at all. I saw dozens, as I could look around the whole shoreline at once without the constraints of a camera. I have hundreds of mental whale pictures in my memory.

This whole mom thing reminds me a little bit of that whale watching. It's so easy to fill your days and schedule trying to make memories- plaster casts of hand and footprints and staged photo shoots and the like. It's all great for those that want that, but it's never been my style. I like having a few keepsakes but more than anything I just like to be, to experience the moment and file away in my memory bank. My time with Adam is like that- we take lots of pictures, of course, but the moments I cherish most are the middle-of-the-night cuddles in the dark, the sound he makes when he finishes a bottle, the one-armed stretches above his head. Those are my special memories, and no growth chart can capture that.

Maybe I know, more than the other moms, how awful it is to JUST have that stuff- the footprints and handprints, the pictures. That's all I have of Charlotte, there are no memories, just things. This living baby- I want the memories this time. The things are optional.