Do you ever feel like you're an observer in your own life? I've been having a lot of trouble lately really experiencing anything. The days are passing in a fog, and it's hard to believe that this is really it, my existence. I'm missing it, I am.
Bumblebee was a rockstar in the BPP this week. 3 lbs now. Tummy had grown, a lot. Legs are still short, but that's ok. Drs are elated, M was ecstatic. And, to be honest, I felt nothing. I slept fine the night before, even knowing that a bad measurement or lack of belly growth could have sent us into L&D much sooner than planned. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't excited. I watched the numbers flick up on the u/s screen and really, felt nothing.
I'm assuming this is my body's self-preservation mode, in case something really does go wrong.
We're 30w1d now, which is past my goal of 30w. Again, I'm not as excited as I thought I would be, even though the possibility of bringing home a living child is now more than a mere possibility. 3 lb babies can do well, even if he has to come soon. The days are ticking by. Another couple of weeks and I'll be out of the "very premature" stage. So hard to believe. Maybe I don't believe.
I'm coming across as ungrateful and negative. I don't mean to be. I'm kind of puzzled at this late lack of emotion. I'm completely shut off. I'm not excited, I'm not worried, not happy or sad, I'm just here. Blah. Wishing I could go to sleep and wake up when it's all over.
That's the thing though, there's a whole "after" when it's over. That's really when it all begins. I hope I can snap out of this if I'm lucky enough to bring home this baby.
9 comments:
Yeay for growth, I was waiting for this update. I know why your numb, it's self preservation as you said, leftover from all you have been through, and all you now know is always a possibility again. Our innocence is lost and we now live with idea and thoughts that most people would never dare to think, like that of dying babies.
I have faith in you and wee bee though :) and am excited you are so close and hope so so so very badly bee comes home healthy and you can love him to pieces every day.
You don't sound at all ungrateful. I think it really is self preservation, and probably also a result of emotional exhaustion. You've had (are having) a really long and scary emotional roller coaster ride, and that takes a lot out of a person.
I'm excited by bee's growth, though, and I'm thrilled the BPP went well, and I'm hoping very hard that you and bee will come through this safe and healthy.
I don't necessarily think "numb" is a bad thing :) You're doing wonderflly - 30 weeks . . . 3 pounds. . . hopefully "numb" means you've moved past the horribly anxious phase a little, and are now just sitting with your reality. No one expects you to be all puppies and rainbows, so maybe "numb" *is* your happy place. Who knows? :)
Yeah for 30wks and lots of growth!
At this point - you just sound numb after all of the emotional ups and downs you've had over the last few months. I can completely understand just needing to shut down and check out for a while.
Don't pressure yourself to be one way or another. What ever you are feeling right now is what works for you.
Great news all round. I really am thrilled to hear it.
I was in denial, very... emotionless during my pregnancy. I just couldn't believe I was going to get to bring a baby home.
I was so afraid of feeling anything, except fear the whole time I was pg with Cason. I thought I was shielding myself, I doubt it would have worked though, if htings had gone differently. You are totally normal. Numb is what us db moms do best.
Feel the good things when you can, you will want those memories. i find myself now able to llok back on my pg and feel the happy things, b/c I know how it 'ended' and then I feel sad that I didn't let myself feel it when it was there. It's a tricky road, no doubt. Just do the best you can, it's all you can do.
And celebrate the little things, like, 30 weeks!!! YAY...wait,that's a BIG thing!! YAY!!!
xxoo
I think I was the same way with my second pregnancy at some points. I was too scared to think of good or bad. So I just didn't think at all. It is all very overwhelming and even when you do get past the point of extreme premature you are still in denial and scared as heck that SOMETHING is going to go wrong. 3lbs at 30 weeks is AWESOME!! yay!
With all you have been through your feelings are completely normal. Don't beat yourself up. I know the feeling of feeling like you are just watching things happen. It usually means I am falling into depression. Take care of yourself! YAY for 30 weeks! I am so proud of you! You are doing such a wonderful job!
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