Oh ladies, I am such a blubbering mess.
Our ultrasound was uneventful. Baby has lost a few days of growth since our last ultrasound but is still measuring ahead a couple of days from our baseline ultrasound at 8w. So, that's good. All the body parts are there and in good order and -get this- they didn't need to get the radiologist! That was strange.
The tech was really sweet and turned the screen so I could see. She talked her way through telling us what she was measuring etc. At the end she asked if we wanted to know the sex, which we did. She flicked a couple of buttons and a picture popped up on the screen, profiling a very defined little penis.
Boy? I asked.
Definitely, she said.
I had told myself all along, many many times, that the sex was irrelevant. All we wanted was the baby to come home. That's still true, but I really, really, wasn't prepared for the HUGE rush of emotions that flooded me instantly.
As soon as she left the room the tears came. Poor M didn't know what to make of me, I was in such a state. I cried my out of ultrasound down the hallway and to the car. We sat in the car for about 20 minutes before we even started the engine, as I cried my eyes out and didn't even know why. I didn't realize, until that moment, how badly I wanted this baby to be a girl. I feel like such a bitch saying that- after what we've been through the thought that I would cry over the baby's gender of all things- especially considering the ultrasound was good when it could have been so bad- well, those thoughts just made me sadder. I was sad for being sad.
Every time I've thought about parenthood since Charlotte I guess I've always pictured parenting, well, her. Logically I knew the difference, but I guess more than I realized I've really imagined myself with a little girl, doing little girl things. I've never really pictured myself with a boy. Well, now there's a little boy growing inside me and I don't really know what to make of it.
I know it's not politically correct to be disappointed in your baby's gender. And I do want this baby, I really do. And, I LOVE little boys so I don't know what my problem is. From reading other's blogs, etc., I think it's pretty common for us loss mamas to want, well, what we lost. I was banking on another girl without realizing it. I kind of feel like I lost my little girl all over again.
It's just so overwhelming. All of it. I feel like shit.
14 comments:
Heather - I hear you. It's all so emotional and overwhelming.
It's funny because I feel the opposite. I feel like I really would like to have a baby of the opposite gender because that would just be the one thing that would be different in a very difficult (albeit happy) day. I can't imagine holding another baby boy in my arms and not want it desperately to be Nicholas....
Crazy, crazy thoughts. You are not alone.
I am SO glad everything looks good and healthy though. Must be such a relief.
Very overwhelming stuff. I'm glad the ultrasound itself was uneventful and good and that bumblebee is doing well.
What you feel is perfectly understandable. I was all about little girls when I was first pregnant, but after losing Teddy, I daydream about boys. This doesn't mean that healthy isn't the most important thing, just that, well, I'd like to get as close to him as I can.
Sending you love.
Oh honey. It can sneak up on us and catch us off guard, can't it? I'm sorry today was a difficult day for you. But congrats on your little boy :)
You know, I've thought about this a lot, whether people would secretly wish for the same or different from the baby they lost. . . and I wonder what that means for me, since we lost one of each! I think it's completely natural, either way, and I just hate that you, we, even have to think of such things. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing this with us. I hope it brought you some bit of peace.
((Hugs))
I hear you Heather, loud and clear. I'm certain this one is a boy, too. We got a glimpse at something very boy like at 12 weeks. I'm sure in a couple of weeks we'll have that confirmed. I hear you.
WOW! I've got tears too! I can't imagine the emotions that you are going through. Being forced to confront them is always challenging.
In time, you will never have wanted it any differently, but it takes a while to get there.
Little boys are just wonderful! And GREAT news on everything being on track...
When I was pg with Alison, I really wanted a girl...to replace what I had lost I suppose. Pretty normal emotions I think, don't be too hard on yourself.
But YAY for little boys! So glad to hear that the u/s went well.
So glad all is well!! And perfectly understandable that, in your heart of hearts, you were hoping for another little girl. That said, I know, & you know, that you are going to have sooooo much fun with this little guy! : )
yay on the good ultrasound.
Grief sucks. Maybe some of the emotional turmoil that came out as tears was also relief...
I so badly wanted a boy when we were first pregnant, that I was a wee bit disappointed when the us said 'girl'. I was upset for such a short time, then started to really get excited imagining us with a girl.
I imagine I will react like you at our next u/s, no matter the gender.
I completely understand. I am two weeks off of my ultrasound and I desperately want them to tell me its a girl. I know I should just be happy with whatever I get and I will be... I just want a baby girl so much. It will almost be like having second chance with my Jordan.
I understand it. In time I'm sure you will adjust, but yes I can understand the disapointment. I'm trying very hard to tell myself it doesn't matter, but like you I think I will feel like I've lost her all over again if they tell me its a boy.
I'm so glad your ultrasound looked good and the baby is still growing like crazy!
I know exactly what you're saying! I am almost dreading the day that we find out if it's a boy or a girl. I hate to admit it - but I really, really want this baby to be a girl too.
There is nothing wrong with feeling how you feel. You miss your little girl and another little girl might make that feel better. But I PROMISE you when you hold your healthy beautiful baby boy in your arms you will love him madly and fiercly and your love for Charlotte will remail and will find its place where it needs to be. You will love all of your children the same and uniquely as they are all your children and they are each unique. It's how a mother's heart works, there will always be room for everyone.
I think that it's pretty common for people -- even those who haven't lost a baby -- to have a strong preference for one gender or the other and to feel a sense of loss if the u/s shows the opposite gender. And, of course, that feeling is magnified many, many times for those of us who've lost a baby. Thinkin of you.
hahaha your normal and fine girl! :)
I am 99% sure I am having a girl this time, obviously won't know forever but I have an incling, and all my boy stuff Evan never got use, so we can be gender switchers together.
I know exactly what you mean I soo wanted another boy, but these things are outside our control.
I felt the same way. But I can promise you that once you hear your boy cry, all of these feelings will go out the window. I think it's normal that we want to replace what we lost, even though we know they can't be replaced. It's like one part of the brain gets that, and another part doesn't. By the time this boy comes, I am sure you will be used to the idea and even excited.
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