The past week has been really hard. Nothing is wrong; actually, things are going as well as they could possibly be, but emotionally I'm a total wreck.
This whole "pregnancy-after-loss" is awful. I have far too much time to think. I've been trying to sleep as much as possible to avoid thinking. It reminds me of the early, early days after losing Charlotte, when what I wanted more than anything (except my baby, of course), was an off-switch for my brain, to give myself some peace. It came, in time. Over the months I learned to function on top of the dead baby soundtrack playing in the back of my mind. I was productive and to the outside world, normal.
The combination of pregnancy hormones and stress has sent me spiraling backwards. I think constantly of the what-could-have-beens and the what-ifs. I'm terrified of this baby dying, and I'm terrified of this baby living. What if, after all this, I'm a horrible mom? What if I'm still so wrapped up in my grief that I can't parent this baby?
I feel like one of those brides that gets so caught up in the wedding the she doesn't give a thought to the actual marriage.
I want to prepare myself for being a parent, but that process scares me too. I checked out a book from the library on premature babies and read it a few days ago. Since a preemie is a definite possibility for us, I want to know as much as I can so I can ask the right questions if something comes up. M didn't like me reading it, he thinks reading things like that will make me too sad if this baby dies. He won't discuss names, paint colors, nothing. No one will. I feel like I'm tempting fate every time I bring something up that implies that the baby might actually come home. I want to make preparations for this baby, in some ways. If we do lose this baby, I want to have some memories and mementos from the pregnancy.
This limbo period sucks. I spend my days doing nothing, lying on the couch, to give this baby the best chance. My mind races. But I feel like I can't even plan. I feel guilty every time I log on a baby website or think about names or imagine Christmas with a baby in the house.
Our big anatomy scan is on June 12, M's birthday. We're hoping to find out the sex, and hopefully everything else will be ok. That ultrasound was the first sign that something was wrong with Charlotte- the first sign of slowed growth. I think if we can make it past that milestone in the clear I might relax a bit, and maybe M will too.
Dr. MFM won't give me back my five days, even though we measured well ahead on our 14w ultrasound. So, due date now stands as November 13th, and right now I'm 15w4d. 16w2d sounded so much better. Sigh.
You know, if I wasn't pregnant I would be making myself the biggest frozen margarita right now. I need a drink.
This whole post has probably made no sense. My mind is everywhere. I'm sorry.
12 comments:
I've been staring at your post for a while, trying to think of what to say . . . because your post *does* make sense. It sucks and I'm sorry, but I do get it.
As much as I want to be pregnant again, I'm absolutely terrified - not of the outcome, but of the pregnancy itself. Of the thoughts and emotions and the too much time on my hands. I relate to wanting to sleep as much as possible.
And. DH and I already bicker about me reading preemie books. He's a little different from your DH though, in that he wants to prepare - but he wants to prepare for the best/ positive outcome. I want to prepare for the probable outcome. . . although I'm not even sure what that is anymore! I do think my probable outcome is a preemie (I would say "I know" but my dr. won't go that far). And, fwiw, it's comforting to know there's someone out there who feels the same way.
Here's hoping for a bit of peace and comfort for you - somehow. ((Hugs))
I wish there was some fabulous, soothing distraction I could ply you with, something that would make the time run faster. Or that I could magically produce a really potent margarita that was completely baby safe. (Then I could drink one, too. This whole trying thing is really cutting into my margarita drinking time.) Damn my lack of magical powers.
But I'm thinking of you and hoping things continue to be okay and that the time between now and the 12th goes as quickly as it can, and that the US brings nothing but good news.
I thought your post made perfect sense as well. Your description of life with the "dead baby soundtrack" in the background makes perfect sense. That you are terrified of death and life makes perfect sense. I think you are a terrific mom to Charlotte and are/will be a terrific mom to the baby you carry. I think that because it's clear you are paying attention and working hard to make sense of everything that is happening. Hoping for the best news with your scan. Peace.
I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. My sister described her pregnancy after loss, especially early pregnancy as a "huge mindf*ck." Sounds like it really is.
I'm not even pregnant again and I worry that I'll just be too sad to be a good parent.
I hope that once you pass the anatomy scan, things will be a little easier. You've been through so much -- I hope you do get to enjoy some of this -- or at least have some happy memories. You deserve it.
Your post makes lots of sense. The sad fact too, is that there is no "once I get to THIS point, I will relax" like there was the first, innocent time. There is no point where you get to chill out and just enjoy it, I imagine everyday is a struggle. Keep your chin up as much as possible though, easy for me to say, eh?
Actually I do get it. Spot on really. Only it changed recently with the realisation that were I to lose my baby I would be devastated no matter what. All these self-protecting measures taken to not get attached to the baby... not talking names, talking about the future as though the baby is in it... all those things. They don't really protect you from the pain of loss. So like you say, if this were all you got, don't you want to have this time and enjoy it? I think you should talk to hubby and insist on a bit of positivity now and then.
You make perfect sense to me. I know it is horribly cliched to say in blog comment land, but I really could have written much of this myself.
We're in this together Heather. Somehow, we're going to make it. We just have to.
I've read your post about 4 times now trying to formulate what to say other than the obvious... you've said everything exactly right. Pregnancy after loss SUCKS.
Being pregnant again is what I tried desperately for after Ellie's death. But now it really is full of as much grief as not being pregnant was. It makes me miss what we don't have.
I'm worried about both possibilities - just like you. What if I don't know how to deal with a newborn? What if I don't love this baby as much as my daughter. I definately got way to caught up in the trying to get pregnant and totally forgot to plan for the actually being pregnant part. Actually - I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be 36 weeks and have skipped over all of the pregnancy stuff. It;s just way to stressful. Sorry - I seem to have gone on forever... I'll be thinking of you!
i dunno, i think preparing for the baby, reading, buying, dreaming, is hope. And hope will get you through this, and this baby deserves hope and to be looked forward too.
he'll come around. seeing the us might give him the kick he needs. don't push him.
i think i want to read all the first year stuff the next prenancy, since i already read all the pregnancy stuff..
Go with the preemie books, as if you do end up in that position, it will be one less thing to worry about. There is nothing worse than constantly feeling like you don't understand what is going on with your newborn.
Well, of course there is, but you know what I mean!
I'm sorry this sucks so much for you both. Are there any support groups you could join?
I'm sorry. Having never been pregnant again, I have no experiences to offer, just some (((hugs))).
There are two good books about pregnancy after a loss -- "Pregnancy After a Loss" by Carol Cirulli Lanham, and "Trying Again" by Ann Douglas & John Sussman. I think both would say that everything you're feeling is normal!
Pregnancy after loss is hard. You know way too much to be naive. The best I could do was to break it into weeks and celebrate each week as a milestone.
Every time I'd go to the ob she would ask me how I was doing and I would tell her, "I'm still pregnant, so pretty good."
You will be a great mom. You will give so much love.
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