On Saturday we got an email from our "shadow baby" friends. We were pregnant together and they delivered a baby girl a few weeks before Charlotte's due date. I visited once (disastrous), way back last summer and that was the only contact I've had with the baby. I have had absolutely no desire to meet this child. M has, a couple of times, and he found it hard. He was more determined than I was as they're longtime friends of his, going all the way back to high school.
Anyway, we've done couple-only things with them and that's been awkward but ok.
On Saturday they wrote wanting updates on our pregnancy and M's new job, and said it would be nice to see us over the long weekend (today is the holiday here). I wrote back and said that we'd be around all weekend if anyone wanted to drop by. I just got an email back saying they might come by later today, and she asked if they can bring the baby.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either I say, sure, bring the baby, or I say no. Or I ignore the email and pretend I didn't get it. Either is a shitty option. I don't want to see this baby. I heard that she's learning to walk now and babbles away, and I really, really, don't need a living, breathing reminder of what Charlotte should/could be doing if things had turned out differently. I don't want to hear about baby music classes and swimming and all the things we had originally planned to do together. Plus, it would be my house, which means I can't run home when I'm overwhelmed. I'd be stuck.
Or, I say no, and feel like the biggest bitch in the world. I'm sure they think everything is hunky-dory over here with the one year anniversary past and a new pregnancy. My grief time has expired to the rest of the world. I don't know how to say no without seeming ridiculous to anyone but myself.
How long is this supposed to take me? Another six months? Another two years? Will I ever feel ready to welcome this child as part of my life? I don't see it happening, I really don't. I know I could force myself, but I'm not sure if this is the time to add stress to my life.
The last thing I need is the stress of this. I can feel my bp rising just debating the issue. Just another reason while I want to curl up in bed until this pregnancy is over.
At least she asked, I guess. But I wish I didn't have to give her an answer. I'm going to take a nap now.
7 comments:
I'm so sorry she put you in that position. My first thought was, how nice that she asked, at least she knows its an issue for you . . . .but then I tried to figure out how I would respond . . . .and I have no idea! Definitely an uncomfortable situation. Wish I could help :)
I'll echo Bluebird and just say that I'm so sorry you were put in this difficukt situation. I don't know what I'd do; probably take a pill and tey to steel my way though? I don't know. The nice thing about it being your house, though, is that you *can* leave the room if it gets to be too much.
How long will it take to meet her without pain? I don't know that either. I wanted to be with my sister once her baby is born, but I'm afraid I'll completely lose it. Tomorrow is one year from their unfulfilled due date. It should be easier, I think. Then a little voice says, of course it hurts. You lost your baby.
Of course it hurts. You lost your baby. Try to be gentle with yourself.
Heather, I think the fact that she asked if they could bring the baby could be taken two ways. #1 just to be nice and make sure you wouldn't mind a baby toddling all over your house and potentially grabbing at things or making a mess. Or #2 that they know it will be difficult for you and want to make sure they don't make you uncomfortable by bringing a baby who is doing what Charlotte should be doing right now.
I think you would be well within your rights to kindly say to them "It was nice of you to ask if you can bring your daughter and I hope it won't be too much of an inconvenience for you not to but it's still really hard for me to be around babies since Charlotte died."
No matter what you do or what you say it will be stressful, but you can't get what you want if you don't ask for it.
You have your medical state to consider and if asking them not to bring her will keep your BP down a bit more than not saying anything and having her there then you should do whatever you need to do to keep yourself stress free. If asking your husband to convey that to them helps, then do that too.
I can't pretend to know, but there's always the chance that it won't be so bad if she was there and like many have written on their blogs, the anticipation was worse than the actual event. If you plan on seeing them and their baby at some point, why not try it now, if it's too hard, they should be understanding, not only of your grief for Charlotte, but of your ongoing health for your bumblebee.
I hope that helps, but as I'm miles away, it's easy for me to say, much harder for you to do.
Good luck and lots of hugs!
Saying no has the benefit of also being a pretty strong hint that you're not up for a conversation about all things baby even though you're expecting. But I can see that it's hard no matter how you answer.
Can you confer with M on how to say no or how to handle the visit if you say yes? Since he has a long history with them, maybe he has more insight into how they'll handle this.
I hate it that you have to deal with this right now.
I don't know what to tell you. It's tough, and maybe tough on them too. Maybe have a really honest conversation about it? I don't think that they would WANT to bring their baby to that, because they might end up crying too!
And just remember, it's a separate baby. Charlotte may or may not have been doing the same things - what is brand new to this other girl happens for different babies at different times. And, my favorite way to deal, just picture her as such a brat...
Basically, figure out ways to distance yourself or the connection you see between her and the Charlotte that could-have-been.
I think I would say no, and I have many times already. I was due the same day as one friend (not a very close friend, but still a friend) and I have not seen her or her baby once in nine months. It also happens she had a girl, four days before me. In fact, I don't think I ever want to see either of them again. That friendship is lost, along with my baby and for the most part, I am fine with that.
Let us know how it all goes.
xo
You have to take care of yourself. Especially right now. you don't want to put any undue stress on yourself. I think what Shannon said is great. i know it is a difficult situation but it sounds like your friend would be understanding.
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