I know I should be grateful that I'm pregnant and so far everything is (pretty much) ok.
I know I should be grateful that I am being well cared for by my doctors.
I know I should be happy that I'm in a position where, except for the whole dead baby thing, the rest of my life - home, money, health- is all ok.
I am grateful and happy for all of these, I really am.
I'm mad though at the same time.
OMG, time is crawling. This week has felt like 3. Every day is just like the previous day, and I check it off the calendar, take my pills and my blood pressure, and try to relax. I am relaxed I think- I've been sleeping ok and I haven't panicked about anything recently- but I am bored.
I got so sad on Tuesday- we went to see our MFM and she informed me that based on my ultrasound she wants to change my due date to November 13th instead of the 8th. 5 days should be no big deal, but I had to backtrack my counting from 13w2d to 12w4d on Tuesday. Even as I'm typing this it seems so trivial, no big deal, but the thought of having to re-d0 five days was defeating and depressing. I was so looking forward to hitting 14 weeks on Sunday. Now I'm not even 13 weeks until tomorrow.
I know, it's ridiculous. It's just that time is moving SO slowly. God.
My bp meds have been changed and adjusted. Dr MFM expressed concern that my bp was getting too low occasionally on the other medication. She explained that for people like me who normally have a highish BP, a drop to a low bp can also adversely affect baby's growth. So, new meds for me. I've been on this medication before and it's a horrible, horrible drug that makes you extremely tired. The only place I'm going is the doctor's office so I don't need to be awake most of the time, but I still hate the paralyzed tired feeling. Oh well. What do you do.
Tomorrow I head back to our hospital to a clinic to learn how to inject myself with hep.arin. The doctors were undecided about whether or not to give it to me, but I really wanted to take it so at least I'll know I tried if this baby dies too. It's only one shot a day so not too bad.
At Dr ObGYN's this week they were passing out these little free magazines. I looked at the cover when I was speaking to the receptionist. It had article headlines like "The pros and cons of an epidural", "Creating your birthplan", "Planning the perfect shower". Not one article that applied to me in the least.
Ah, to be normal again. Can you imagine?
I was thinking of magazine headlines that would work for me. Probably something like "Tips and techniques to lower your blood pressure", "How to pass the time on months of bedrest", "Convincing your mother you do not want a shower under any circumstances". That would be good reading for me.
I'm bored. I'm tired and cranky. I'm sick of waiting rooms and bp cuffs and TV movies and trashy novels. Already. At 12w6d.
When my ObGyn was filling out my chart, she said under her breath, this pregnancy is going to feel like forever.
Amen, sister. Amen.
10 comments:
Oh Heather - all the things to say (hang in there, for example) seem so meaningless and non-comforting. The weeks I was on bedrest were the most miserable of my life & the complete opposite of relaxing.
It's so clear that you are doing your best for this baby, your very best, but I can only imagine how hard it is right now. I'm so sorry time is crawling by & about your lost 5 days - that just sucks.
Oh wow. Honey, I've not been there, but I can so imagine feeling just how you're feeling. I totally get your frustration with them changing your due date, and I understand being so weary of waiting rooms that you could scream. I'm so sorry. I just try to tell myself that 9 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. . . although it sure feels like it at the time!
I can't believe your OB said that. The longest pregnancy ever for both of you? (I think you win! :) Nine months feels like an eternity to me now, in a whole new way.
I totally understand why it would seem depressing to have to redo 5 days. Considering all you have been through I am sure 5 days feels like a lifetime. I hope it starts to go by faster for you. ((HUGS))
I think time does crawl during the second pregnancy, for us and the docs. I know my OB was so relieved when she finally delivered me she said, "thank god. You are no longer pregnant, you were stressing me out." I amened her on that one!
Hopefully time wil pass quicker during the second trimester...either way, I found getting into a tv watching schedule was the only way to keep my sanity.
At 10am, Will & Grace on Lifetime.
11am, Desparate housewives reruns...you get the point.
You are doing all the right things taking it one day at a time. I'm a big fan of TV Box Set DVDs. 30 Rock, Mad Men, Entourage, The Tudors are some of the winners. It's amazing how they can get you in and pass time.
In a very selfish way, you are now five days closer to me! But I know that's not what you want. I know I'd be frustrated, too. Very. I am 10w3d here and time also seems at a standstill. Two weeks today until my next scan, and I think I might lose my mind. If only we lived a whole ocean closer to pass these days together.....
that is incredibly difficult - bedrest at such an early stage. I hope your pregnancy 'outgrows' the high bp! Wouldn't that be nice?
I really don't know how you can fill our time- well at least you are sleepy!
icanhascheezburger.com is funny! I can usually waste lots of time there...
Sorry about it all, wish I could have a time machine and bring you forward 6 months :)
I will be interested in your heparin experience as I will be in the same boat if/when I manage to get pregnant again.
Take care.
How I'd love a time machine, too! Ugh, so sorry that you're on bedrest so early. It must be incredibly frustrating.
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