Bad developments....

I am not doing so well.

Easter went by uneventfully. My parents made their visit- there was no mention of Charlotte or her birthday or even the current pregnancy. We went out for dinner and to church for Easter Sunday and to my inlaws for turkey, and it was impersonal and quiet and fine, and I couldn't wait for it all to be over.

I had an ambulatory blood pressure test this week. I went to the hospital and they hooked me up with a bp cuff and a little belt-mounted monitor, and it went off every 30 minutes for 24 hours. It was rather enlightening.

I was in the grocery store buying milk and it went off. I stood completely still for the requisite 30 secs until it finished, then checked the number.

156/105

Not good. It was the same most of the afternoon. It went down to 140/90 while I was doing deskwork.

While lying on the couch watching tv it went down to 127/77 which wasn't too bad. As soon as I was up and about again, it was back in the 150s/100s.

So, I brought it back to the hospital yesterday morning. There was a message from the nurse when I got home, saying that my internist looked at the numbers and wants to see me back at the hospital on Tuesday. Great.

So, I think it's just a matter of a couple of days until the bp pills are back in my life.

I was really, really, really hoping to make it to at least 16 weeks before I had to start meds. I'll be 11 weeks on Sunday. With Charlotte, we started meds at 14 weeks and we all know how that turned out. I figured if I could just make it past 14 weeks this time there might be hope that baby will grow big enough. Now I'm so confused, I don't know what to think.

I know the high bp affects the baby's growth. It's not a death sentence (lots of people go on to have healthy babies with high bp throughout pregnancy) but my track record sucks. My MFM explained to me over and over again the the bp pills are for my benefit only- it doesn't change the effects the high bp has on the baby. So, I'm wondering if I bring my bp down naturally just by lying around and not doing anything, does that help the baby? Or are the effects still present?

I'm worried, which doesn't help, and M is worried, and everyone seems to think there's an answer to all of this that we're just not looking hard enough for. I have a real hard time convincing people that there's so little you can do to prevent pre-e, nothing you can do to fix it (except deliver), and no, there is no magic pill I can take to make this all go away. Medicine just doesn't know the answers.

I'm just so sad. I feel like I'm heading down Dead Baby Lane once again.

I have a big list of doctor's appointments next week and lots and lots of questions. Too bad there are so few answers.