Spreading the news

Yesterday was my niece's first birthday.

I don't think I've mentioned before that my sister gave birth ten days before Charlotte. She lives clear across the country; we talk on the phone often but I haven't seen her in almost two years. I've only seen pictures of the baby.

I remember clearly the day she was born. It was a scheduled c-section and we were all anxiously anticipating the day. I got the "It's a Girl!" email while I was waiting to head to my own OB appointment. Little did we know that later that week I'd end up hospitalized and that very very soon my baby would be here, too.

My sister did not handle Charlotte's death well. It was just too close to home for her, I think. She had all the crazy post-baby hormones and it was all too much. I waited for her call for days. She never did. I finally called her five days after Charlotte, and the conversation was falsely chipper and shallow, and neither one of us mentioned that I had had a baby or that she was gone. We chatted about weather, our mom, that's it. She wasn't ready for me to call, I don't think.

My sister turned 40 a couple of days after her baby came. In my dark days, I have often consoled myself with some made-up logic that maybe a certain number of babies have to die each year, and maybe it was supposed to be my sister's, but I took the fall for her because I have time to have more babies and she didn't have as much time. Depending on the day this sometimes comforts me. If it had to be one of us I am glad it was me.

M had been bugging me to tell my parents about this pregnancy. Since we told his parents he thought mine should know as well, and though I agreed with him I was not looking forward to making the call. I was right. I got a very lukewarm reaction from my mother.

I'm pregnant again.

Oh, really? I'm not surprised. I guess that's good news. You'll be just fine- just keep active and don't eat too much. Don't you worry about it- I was talking to old friend X's mother and she was telling me that X lost her first baby too, well, she had to terminate or something, but you see, lots of people have trouble with their first baby, so you'll definitely be fine this time. Oh, and your cousin T has been trying to get pregnant for a year, and they can't even get pregnant, so you're so much better off than she is....

This is supposed to be supportive? Thanks Mom.

My middle sister was good about it- she was there for Charlotte's birth so she has more insight than anyone else. She acted exactly like I needed her to act- cautiously supportive. Yes, there are risks, but there is also hope. We talked about Charlotte for awhile. It was exactly what I needed. Thanks sis.

Oldest sister (with the one-year old) gave a reaction similar to mom. Pretty much what I expected from her too.

So, the immediate families know, and we're leaving it there for awhile.

I was a huge mixed bag of emotions last night. I was furious at my mom and my oldest sis for their reactions to the news. I was so relieved that my other sister was supportive. I was hopeful and stubborn and excited and scared and everything in between. Very teary.

It took me a long time to fall asleep, and then I had dream #2 that the baby died.

On a good note, my bp has been PERFECT all week, so I hope this continues. Back to the ObGyn tomorrow.