Hmmm... what is this? A free hour? Can we say BLOG?
Today is day 39 of my cycle. No AF. I have taken, as of this morning, four pregnancy tests. I am not pregnant. I have a feeling this is a very long cycle and my body is completely confused. If by some miracle I am pregnant, great, let's get this ball rolling. If not, that's ok, just let me have my stupid period so I can start charting and figure out what's going on.
TTC sucks.
We invited my pregnant friend and her husband and baby over for dinner on the weekend, and they came. I chickened out and didn't say anything to her, really. She is 11 weeks. The conversation was painfully awkward at first. I got the lowdown on her morning sickness and her doctor's appointments. I didn't really mind hearing about it. She talked about being off work next year and about choosing colours for the baby's room and finishing their basement so the toys will have a place. He little toddler ran around the room pushing buttons on everything he could find.
It was all so surreal. You forget, you know. How easy and uncomplicated pregnancy and childbirth can be for some people.
All I could think, the whole time, were all the milestones she has yet to reach and conquer in her pregnancy in order for this baby to come home. The odds that are stacked up.
Oh right, the odds are actually in favour of her bringing home that baby, aren't they?
Again, I forget sometimes.
I have to say that pregnant women don't upset me like they used to. I worry for them, I fear for them, and I'm a bit jealous of their bliss. But the pain has subsided (well, mostly). More than anything, I really don't feel like I live in their world. I don't feel like I have anything in common with them. The same experiences with completely different outcomes. Detached, maybe.
If and when I do get pregnant I think I will feel even more detached from the regular pregnant people.
Off I go to school. Another day.
4 comments:
I whole heartedly agree with what you said about not living in their world with reference to pregnant women. It's still upsetting to me when I see pregnant women, because they have to be obviously pregnant with the big belly. I'm so jealous of that because I never got that.
I hope you get some sort of sign soon, I hate waiting too.
Being pg again myself, I can say that there is a definite detachment. I don't fit in with other pg women. They are all about buying furniture and baby clothes. Me, I am just trying to make it to the next weeks.
Hugs.
I don't yet know what I think about pregnant people. I am obesessed with pregnancy and love it, and yet fear it and am always hit with a pang of jelousy when I hear pregnancy and/or birth announcements. I don't think I will ever really really be at ease fully again, I know that things can go wrong.
Good luck with getting your cycles straightened out. It's frustrating.
Hey congrats for pregnancy .Wishing you a very good luck
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