It's a snowy, blustery day here. Schools are closed. I'm sitting home, in my pjs, enjoying a true snow day- the absolute best kind of day.
Work has been such a distraction lately. I haven't had much time to read or blog or even think, really. I'm still carrying my dead baby weight on my shoulders and it's always on my mind, but I can feel Charlotte slipping a little, replaced with responsibilities and deadlines.
Other than M, our doctors, therapist and my blogging friends, I can't remember the last time anyone mentioned Charlotte, implied anything about Charlotte, or acknowledged that I was anything but sick last year. To me, it's starting to feel more and more like a bad dream and less like reality. When everyone ignores it all the time, it's hard to even remember myself. What I do remember through the fog are fuzzy images that no one else wants to remember, but that I cling to every detail of.
At Charlotte's memorial service, parents of my friend J came to give their condolences . They said how sorry they were, how they had been through something similar with their daughter L years before. I had always been so close with this family, spending holidays with them and even lived with them for a period of time. I had never heard of a baby dying in their family.
A couple of days later J called to check on me. She's such a sweet and dear friend. I asked her about her older sister; what had her parents been referring to? She paused for a second. Oh right, she said. I totally forgot about that. L had a little boy in between her two girls but there were some genetic abnormalities so he was born early and didn't make it.
I didn't think much of it in the moment, but I've thought about it so many times since. They are such a close, ideal family. 10 years after the fact, she didn't remember that her own sister had buried a little boy. My story didn't jog her memory even, until I reminded her.
In ten years time will anyone remember Charlotte, except M and I? I don't know that they will.
Makes me so sad.
How do you make people remember something they won't even mention?
Not one person (that I know of) has even gone to see her stone. It's been installed now for three months. They all know it's there. My inlaws haven't seen it, my mom hasn't seen it. No one visited her at Christmas, except for us. I showed a picture of it to my MIL, almost by accident, just going through pics on the computer, and she made little comment, just oh, that's what it's like.
Walking the dead baby road can be the loneliest, loneliest road IRL.
It's day 46 of my cycle. I've taken two more HPT. Still negative.
7 comments:
It is a lonely road, but I know I appreciate having my blogging friends to walk with me. While we'll all remember Charlotte, it does hurt that your family and close friends can so easily forget.
I find it surprising that your friend J forgot about her sister's loss. I hope my sister never forgets what I've gone through, what I've lost.
Have you talked to your doctor about your cycle and the negative HPT's? I know my doctor had me take provera to make me have my period, maybe that could work for you and then maybe this next cycle will be more normal? Just an idea.
Good luck and lots of hugs!
It is a lonely road...most don't want to travel it with you because it is too much for them to bear.
People move on, I don't think they forget exactly, but it isn't burned into them the way it is us...for me, Russ and I are the only ones with memories of Abby. No one else was there when she was born, even though we called my mother, she didn't come. But we remember her beautiful face every day, no one else can.
I am sometimes amazed at the lives Teddy touched, and sometimes just really sad that no one (me included - oh God, I hate that) really got to know him. We had so few chances to create memories and stories with him, and most of what we have are stories just N and I know.
I try to understand that my friends and family really don't have much to remember, but you're right. It's just really lonely.
Thinking of you and Charlotte.
Grief is so lonely hey. If I were there I'd go see her headstone xo
I am so sorry that no one acknowledges Charlotte. It amazes me how people just "forget" when it is not happening to them...even people you would never expect. People say the stupidest things to me regarding all the times I have lost a baby. Hopefully, they do remember but they just don't know how to bring it up because they do not want to upset you.
((HUGS))
I've heard it said time and again, after we are gone we live through the memories of others. I guess what so scarry to parents of dead children is that after we are gone, our children will be forgotten. No one will even have known they existed. It's a horrible though.
It's so hard to realize that everyone else has moved on and your child is les than a distant memory to them. My dughter's 1st birthday just passed and it was so hard knowing that to everyone else it was just another day.
Post a Comment