Hmm. I haven't called my friend yet. I'm procrastinating.
I will, though. Sometime in the next few days. Promise.
I spent my weekend hovered over music scores and recordings, prepping for the week to come. I'm doing my absolute best to make a good first impression with the students and other faculty, and so far, I think it's working.
It feels really, really good to have a goal (and see results) outside of the baby-making realm.
Sometimes I forget that there is more to me than my scarred uterus and broken heart.
It's day 29 of my cycle. I have no idea when my cycle "should" end. Last month was 30 days but the month prior, 45, then 58. I have had no evidence that I have ovulated, but we've had lots of BD'ing anyway, and we'll just wait and see. If AF doesn't show up in a few days I'll probably test, but I'm not expecting anything. And (I say this now, wait until the day), I'm ok with whatever happens.
We passed the 9-month mark last week. Sounds like so long. Long enough to entirely grow another baby. The weeks and months are running together now; my memories fuzzy and cloudy. I remember so little of last year, especially last spring. 2008 will always be a blur, I think. There were no memories to be made. I spend weeks post-Charlotte just sitting on the couch, not reading or watching tv, just sitting and staring. No memories to be made there.
I can't believe that in less than 3 months it will be the one-year anniversary. I never, ever, thought I would make it.
Later this week is the anniversary of the day I was put off work and onto bedrest with the high BP. At the time, I was so naive. I didn't worry, I actually liked it. I hated my job so it was a great excuse to hang out at home and watch movies. I slept, watched tv and went to the doctor. That was my life for nearly three months. Not even once during that time did I ever consider that the baby's life was in danger. I read everything I could find about pre-e and pregnancy-induced hypertension. Everyone I knew told me stories about cousin A and coworker B who had sky high blood pressure when pregnant and everything turned out just fine.
Why couldn't I be cousin A or coworker B?
Off to school I go. Teaching awaits.
3 comments:
I know what you mean. I hate when people say oh I know a friend of a friend...blah, blah, blah. Drives me crazy because it just makes me feel worse. Hang in there and I am glad things are going well with the students and faculty.
Oh how ignorance is bliss! I was taken off work a year ago last week for the same thing and I too was naive. I wish both of us could've been cousin A or coworker B. Many hugs to you my friend.
I used to be one of those people who had cousin A or coworker B...until I wasn't any more. It sucks and people say stupid things and it doesn't get any easier to hear.
One year was hard, but mostly just anticipating it. It was really, freaking hard. But you'll get through it, like you have these past nice months. I don't even really know HOW we do it. But we manage to muddle through somehow.
And since I'm terribly nosey: Did you test? Are ya? Are ya?
XO.
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