Well, it turns out that C.'s fiance just wasn't ready to get married.
If he wasn't ready to get married, he shouldn't have given her the ring.
Anyway, that's that. Thanks to all of you for your comments on the matter.
August is almost gone, kids will be back to school in a week, and M and I are still plodding along, day by day. We're nearing the 5 month anniversary of Charlotte now. I can't say things are easier; if anything, more complicated, as we try to juggle what's expected of us in a normal life to what we're actually experiencing. It's hard. It sucks.
M thinks his relationship with his Babyland friends is pretty much over. We're trying, but since my disastrous attempt at visiting a month or so ago I haven't had the courage to try again. Neither has M. We heard the baby's christening is scheduled for Wednesday; we weren't invited (and I was glad). The mass email was sent out to the circle of friends, even my inlaws got it. Apparently word made it's way back to our friends that we knew that we had been left off the invite list, and we got the obligatory phone call last night, You're welcome to come if you like.... For a while M considered it. He doesn't want to lose them as friends. I encouraged him to go if he felt like he could. I can't. A baptismal service with 4 babies, with every member of the congregation there beaming with pride for the new addition to their family. No way. I can't go. After he thinks about it some more, I'm not sure if M will go either.
God, I feel like I'm back in Junior High and am dealing with cliques and popular kids and hurt feelings and all that drama. It's exhausting.
M and I ordered some movie channels, taking our already ridiculous cable bill to new highs. We're restless. A bit bored, maybe. The distraction of 24/7 movies is working, especially now that the Olympics is over. We're watching all kinds of things that we probably wouldn't bother to rent, but that are fun if they're already on TV. Any distraction from real life is welcome.
M has handled his grief in a very physical way up until now, like a lot of men do. We have, since Charlotte, a completely developed basement, a new fence around the perimeter of our property, new brick stairs and walkways, new trees, shrubs and flowers everywhere, a thriving vegetable garden, the list goes on. He's now out of projects. There is nothing left to do. Now he's starting to reorganize things just for the sake of doing it. He can't stop, can't sit down and let things sit. As soon as he started running out of things to do he ordered the movie channels. He can't take any quiet time just yet.
When I was in university I had a pet fish, Stan, who for entertainment in his little tank would relocate his rocks, one at a time, from one end of the tank to the other, until he had a mountain at one side. Then he'd move them back to the other side. To keep his sanity, I guess. I always felt so sorry for that poor little fish. He had eaten all the other fish so he was all alone in his tank, and he lived for years. Well past the lifespan for a little fish. Oh, and he finally died when I cleaned out his tank one day and the pH changed. I killed him.
Wow, our lives are just like Stan's. Pushing rocks around. Eating our friends. Dear God.
Tomorrow we're back to the psychologist. Topic of the day- I'm now comparing my life to a dead fish.
3 comments:
Hi there,
Thank you for your coment over at my place. I am so, so sorry about your Charlotte. I hope that you have found as much support and friendship here in dead baby land as I have. The women here are the most amazing, strong and loving people you will find.
It has helped me tremendously to know that I am not alone on this horrible journey, neither are you.
xxoo
Wow, M has gotten some great work done! Send him my way now, my house could use it :)
I hear you though, my husband and I are just rolling along. Feeling kind of "bored" because you know, we should have a baby to keep us occupied right now. We tried to get back into gaming and lost interest. TV is ok, but we get restless. Then we just end up spending money.
Hang in there hun. Your fish could have just died from old age. Be gentle on yourself.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling left out from "cliques." J and I are the only one of our group of friends who don't have a baby/child (well a living one that is). We don't get invited to certain things involving babies/ kids and then I'm hurt, but if they did invite us I'd be irritated that they didn't consider our feelings. J says our friends are damned if they do and damned if they don't. I guess that's our world.
The idle time to think is so tough and really drives me crazy! Dh plays a lot of video games and I read a lot of mindless chick lit books. We actually just extended our cable package too as we are looking forward to some fall shows--Dexter, Entourage, etc.. Ahh, thank goodness for mindless TV. I guess if you are like your little fish, so are we! ((HUGS))
BTW ... thanks for your comments on my blog! I do appreciate it!
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