Is all pain the same?

Last night I did my regular email check to find an message from a dear friend in the US. She was a grad school friend, I haven't seen her in 5 years, but we've remained closely in touch.

Her wedding is Saturday coming.

The email read.... I apologize for sending a mass email but I needed to let you all know ASAP.... our wedding has been canceled.

She didn't say why. My initial thought was a death in the family, an accident, somebody must be sick. Upon closer inspection, I wondered why she said "canceled" instead of "postponed". Why is she talking about returning gifts?

I sent her a quick reply and then sent an inquiry to a mutual friend who is much closer to her her geographically. His reply was waiting for me this morning. It's bad, he wrote. The groom called it off. Call me.

I sat in front of my computer this morning in shock. My dear sweet friend, C., who only days ago had emailed me pictures of her wedding dress, was so excited about finally fulfilling her dream to be a wife and hopefully a mom someday. My heart broke for her. C is a beautiful person inside and out, any man would be lucky to call her his wife. Why has her fiance done this to her? Why 5 days before their lavish Southern wedding, with guests flying in from all over the world, with the band booked and the food ordered and gifts arriving everyday, why now? Why not a couple of months ago when she could have saved face?

I can just imagine her today, in the aftermath of it all. Aunts and cousins addressing proper wedding cancellation cards (is there a name for those?), people trying to hide wedding gifts and cheer her up by pretending that it is better now than later. The chaos of wedding prep without the wedding.

I want to call her. I want to give her a hug. I've never been where she is, I've never even suffered a really bad break-up. But I feel like I know where she is. I think I know what she's feeling today. Confusion, grief beyond words, sadness, despair, hopelessness. She has lost her planned future. So did I. I know what that feels like.

I still don't know the details. I don't know if he cheated on her, if he just got cold feet, what the situation is. All I know is that her heart must be broken. Poor, sweet C. No one deserves this.

I wonder if she's looking at couples today, wondering how it is ever possible that someone gets (and stays) happily married. For weeks after Charlotte I thought, every time I saw anyone, how amazing it is that that person was once a baby. That I was even one, once. And they grew. I grew. And lived.

I wonder if she's able to look beyond the next couple of days to a new future ahead; I wonder if seeing wedding cakes and dresses and happy couples will cause her the same pain that seeing pregnant women and babies causes me. I wonder when she'll feel ready to go to another wedding.

And, this all leads to the title of my post; Is all pain the same?

I really believe that losing a child must be one of the most painful things in the world. Having your adored fiance cancel your wedding 5 days ahead? Definitely pretty bad too.

While working through my grief I've always had in the back of my mind that should I ever have a friend lose their baby, I might be able to help them. I might, by then, be able to have words as someone who's "been there" and lived to tell about it. I never thought that another situation would arise where my experience in "pain management" would apply. I think it does here.

I don't have her number; she's at her parents' house for wedding week. I emailed and asked her to send me the contact info b/c I'd like to call her. I need to talk to her.

I hope I can help her.