Today has been a rough day.
Nursing school has been busy, to say the least. The program, condensed into 2 yrs instead of 4 for us "previously degreed" folk is known as being notoriously difficult. The reputation was not misleading. Over the past 7 months I have studied more than I ever have before. I have made new friends and rolled my eyes at others. It has been a roller coaster.
The fact that I also have been working part-time to pay for Bee's childcare etc just complicates matters.
In a few weeks our semester changes, and I find myself in the next block of courses: maternity and peds. This is the dream semester of most of my classmates- people are very excited, eager, and fighting over the coveted NICU placements because "babies are so cute". Babies are very cute, of course. Little do they know how bad the NICU can get; how much more there is than "cuteness".
Anyway, today was our last anatomy lab for the semester. Reproduction. I didn't know the topic until I arrived, and I dutifully examined specimens of ovaries, even a placenta. The prof brought out plastic models of babies in various gestations. There was one about Charlotte's size. I winced.
We were paraded to another room to look at the "wet specimens".
And here, there were babies, in all gestations, preserved in formaldehyde in large glass containers. Babies with hair, babies full term, babies with various birth defects.
I did the only thing I could do. I turned and walked out. They were not "wet specimens", these were somebody's children. Each baby represented a grieving family, lost potential, all of the anguish we've seen firsthand.
My classmates didn't say anything; neither did my prof. Perhaps they thought I needed to use the bathroom or the smell of formaldehyde was too strong for me. As far as I know, none of them know about Charlotte. It's not the type of thing that comes up in casual conversation and I know them so well by this point that I almost feel like a traitor for holding onto this huge part of my life like a secret. Over lunch, over a study table, as much as I would like to tell her story, there doesn't seem to be an appropriate time.
Sigh.
There have been many times when something pregnancy related has come up in class and up until today it was fine. Today was the first time that I had to leave. Now I'm worried, so very worried, about my mental state through the summer semester. I will help deliver babies, in the same hospital and same rooms where I had Charlotte and Adam. I will care for sick children, maybe sick babies. I will have flashbacks and emotional moments and somehow, hopefully, get through the day because I need this course to graduate.
In a week and a half, it will be three years. Three years. Feels like forever. Everything, everything has changed since then.
To say I don't share my classmates' enthusiasm about the "cute babies" is an understatement.
5 comments:
I can only imagine how hard this is, how hard it will be. But I think that you will also bring a level of profound understanding and compassion to working with moms, babies, and children that your more enthusiastic classmates won't have.
Thinking of you as you find your way through all of this and sending love.
How lovely to see a post from you again. But how terrible that you had to see this. I would have walked out as well, in fact I think I would have ran.
I agree with Erica though, you can only do good by working in this area. You will be a comfort to so many women in all sorts of circumstances.
Thinking of you as three years draws close. I'm not as close as you, but I still can't believe that in a few months, that will be me. Three years. Wow.
xo
Nice to hear from you. My jaw the floor...I HAD NO IDEA..I can't beleive they have real babies in jars, that is horrible and unecessary I would think..That is someone's broken heart right there. Wouldn't pictures or rubber duplications be enough. They make those lifelike dolls now, they could get the point across just as effectively I would think. No?
Also NICU is coveted? I could see the family unit being coveted but the NICU is a place of fear and tears as much as it's a place of hope. I would think being a NICU nurse is as difficult as working in a cancer ward or in palliative care.
On another note, I do think loss mama's make better nurses often times, because they understand first hand the important of empathy and bed side manner. Good luck, I know I would feel the same way. It just fades, but never fully heals. It would trigger me all over the place, and I am not sure dealing with a women in labour with a stillborn baby wouldn't send me over the edge to a PTS place everytime.
I hope you and your family are doing excellent. We hit the three year mark this past Christmas eve, but I have to say it was so much easier this time, cause Evangeline made my heart dance experiencing her first Christmas.
Oh, that is unimaginable!
It seems that some of your classmates are a bit 'wet' behind the ears - naive...
I do think the OB unit will be a challenge, but you will also have that empathy that so many of us did not receive.
It's good to see a post from you again, but I'm so sorry it was about an upsetting matter. :( I saw a photo once from a pathology lab, with jars of fetuses/babies on the counters. If they can learn from these "wet specimens," fine, but do they really have to display them openly like that? And I wonder whether the parents aware that this is what happened to their babies? -- probably not.
Do you think it would help if you wrote a letter to someone? It probably has never even occurred to these people that displaying babies in jars might be difficult or considered inappropriate by some. Yes, you're a nurse trainee, you need to be able to see & study these things, etc., but a little compassion & respect might be in order. -- And I agree with the others, you will have that in spades over some of your classmates!
Post a Comment