I will be 25 weeks tomorrow. I am now the most pregnant I have ever been.
Bumblebee feels big. His kicks are stronger, I feel them much higher than I ever felt Charlotte. He's a busy baby, which I know is a good sign.
There was a website, I think it was a US government website, where you could put in the gestation and weight and it would spit back statistics of survival and disabilities. Anyone know what it is? I input a lot of information after Charlotte died out of curiosity, and now that I have "real" information to input I can't find the site.
I think it's at 26 weeks where the chances of survival/no major complications goes up significantly? Why can't I find this information when I need it?
* * *
A good friend is also expecting a baby boy, due in a couple of weeks. She had a doctor's appt yesterday and came over to visit after that. We sat around all afternoon eating ice cream and talking about our baby boys (of course, the conversation assumed mine is actually coming home). This is her second, her oldest boy is our godson, and he's a darling (he's almost 2). She is so excited that we're pregnant at the same time, that we're both having boys. When I'm with her I pretend that I'm all optimism too, as it's so much easier to just do that than to constantly be disclaiming everything. It's actually kind of refreshing, for a couple of hours. She knows all about Charlotte, of course, but is so hopeful for us this time, and I can forgive her for the moments of perceived insensitivity over the past year.
Anyway, I found out this morning that she went into labor last night and delivered the little one at 2:41 am. Everything is perfect.
I'm toying with the idea of visiting her in the hospital. It would be back to the maternity ward, where I was last week. She will likely be coming home tomorrow, and yesterday she said a bunch of times "when you come see me in the hospital", so I know she expects me to come. M was talking to her husband this morning (they're good friends too), and he said we can come over this afternoon. I have a present here, ready to go, and I might drop by today, see the baby, run away. I might not. Debating. If I knew no one else was going to be there I wouldn't mind as much, but there will likely be grandparents and relatives etc. I might get emotional, I might not. I don't know.
I kind of think I might go. For a few minutes. At least at the hospital I can justify only staying for 5 or 10 minutes. If I wait and visit her at home, I'll have to commit to a longer visit.
Nothing baby-related is ever simple anymore, you know?
I think I'm going to go. I'm talking myself into it. Really, what's the worst that can happen? (Don't answer that.)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Cemetery vandals
M and I stopped by the cemetery yesterday. I had gone earlier in the week to water Charlotte's flowers but it had been awhile since we had gone together.
Some idiot had kicked my baby's stone.
It was off the base; the slab of granite was moved a couple of inches from where it was bonded on, so it was sitting crooked. We tried to move it back but it's super heavy and wouldn't budge.
It takes a lot of force to move a granite slab. I called my dad when I got home to tell him about it (as monuments are his business and he installed it in the first place), and he said they've been having problems in that cemetery with vandalism and the monuments. He said the only way it would come apart is if someone really tried. There is a slight possibility that it could have been an accident, and the optimistic side of me wants to believe that, but the reality is likely that some idiot had tried to hurt it.
He's going to fix it this weekend.
What kind of person would attempt to vandalize a baby's grave???? I want to find them and shake them.
Dad also said, to my surprise, that he had been there last week and the stone had been fine. He went to clean it, he said. I had no idea that anyone besides M and I ever went there. Shows how much I know.
Some idiot had kicked my baby's stone.
It was off the base; the slab of granite was moved a couple of inches from where it was bonded on, so it was sitting crooked. We tried to move it back but it's super heavy and wouldn't budge.
It takes a lot of force to move a granite slab. I called my dad when I got home to tell him about it (as monuments are his business and he installed it in the first place), and he said they've been having problems in that cemetery with vandalism and the monuments. He said the only way it would come apart is if someone really tried. There is a slight possibility that it could have been an accident, and the optimistic side of me wants to believe that, but the reality is likely that some idiot had tried to hurt it.
He's going to fix it this weekend.
What kind of person would attempt to vandalize a baby's grave???? I want to find them and shake them.
Dad also said, to my surprise, that he had been there last week and the stone had been fine. He went to clean it, he said. I had no idea that anyone besides M and I ever went there. Shows how much I know.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Hospital adventures
Yesterday morning I had a routine visit with my GP. I mentioned to her that I've been having (apologies for TMI) a lot of discharge and often it was watery and clear. I was hoping there was some simple test I could do (like a POAS) to make sure it was indeed discharge and not amniotic fluid. There's no "simple" test, well, it's a speculum exam. She was concerned, as low fluid was an issue with Charlotte, and wanted me to get it checked right away. In this small city with one main hospital, it meant heading back to L&D, where Charlotte was born and died.
I went by myself. M was working and I didn't think the exam would be stressful and it didn't seem to warrant taking time off. He thought it would be emotional for me to go there alone and was worried, but I was determined. So, off I went.
The nurse was lovely. Her name was Ruth, and she was nice from the start, but especially nice when she realized my history. My bp was a little up, 146/96, but I attributed that to the stress of the day. I was given a bed in triage (a different bed than last year), and began my morning of waiting.
Sr med student came in first, and could have been straight out of ER or grey's or some tv show. Of course, the day I need a speculum exam the med student is ridiculously attractive and I feel like a chubby blob. I prayed for a female resident. No such luck. He wasn't quite as attractive as the med student, but still very good looking, and I was not impressed that these people would be examining me. Even the attending was a male. Normally I couldn't care less about such things, but I was a little uncomfortable yesterday.
Nurse came back. Bp was 150/104.
In the meantime triage filled up. The woman in the bed next to me was a week overdue and her water had broken. She was hooked up to fetal monitors until her doctor arrived. Happy birthday, baby, she said to her belly while rubbing it. Her husband gave her a hug and kissed her tummy. God, you forget what a happy place L&D is for most!
A blood curdling scream came from somewhere down the hall. A second later it was the first cries of a newborn. Everyone cheered.
Nurse came in again. Extra dose of meds for me. Mess of bloodwork to test for all the regular HELLP stuff- liver, etc. Gorgeous Med Student came in all concerned, rubbing my arm and asking me if I was ok.
(I was ok. I just wanted the hell out of L&D.)
Finally, we got around to the speculum test. They wanted Gorgeous Med Student to do it, supervised by both resident and attending. Female nurse was down there too for good measure. Dear God.
Of course, BP was not going down. It was mid afternoon when they told me they were admitting me for observation, and were going to try and get me a biophysical for the next day. The speculum tests came back fine, it was not amniotic fluid thankfully. They made me wait until my bp had stabilized some and then I was sent to the maternity floor.
Now, as a babylost mom in a high risk pregnancy, the maternity ward is not the best place to be. There are, of course, moms and babies everywhere. Lots of flowers and "It's a --" balloons. It's a very happy place. They thankfully gave me my own room, and it thankfully was at the very end of the hall, so I slept. I had many doppler heartbeat checks, kick counts and a non-stress test, more bloodwork. Truly wonderful care, if maybe a bit much.
Bp came down nicely. It was all L&D's fault.
This afternoon we had the biophysical. First time in that room since Charlotte. Bumblebee is doing well, scored an 8/8. I am a little worried about the measurements. Last time we had an ultrasound, I was 21w5d by dates, and the ultrasound came back at 22w2 days, so we were 4 days ahead. Today I was 24 weeks (YAY btw!), and we're now 23w5d. So, behind 2 days. In my mind, I lost 6 days of growth. The ultrasound tech (who was super super nice) and my MFM both said it's totally within "range" of measurements and baby looked great. The dopplers looked good, but (and this could totally be my mind messing with me), they didn't look as good as they did at the 18w u/s.
Anyway, they said he looked great, and my bp was stable all night, so I got discharged.
The stress of it all.
I'm home again now. Things are going as good as they could be. Bee is measuring 1lb5oz now or 600 grams, which is great. Dr MFM said she wants us to double (at least) that weight. Dr ObGYN said she wants it x4. Still so very far to go.
I went by myself. M was working and I didn't think the exam would be stressful and it didn't seem to warrant taking time off. He thought it would be emotional for me to go there alone and was worried, but I was determined. So, off I went.
The nurse was lovely. Her name was Ruth, and she was nice from the start, but especially nice when she realized my history. My bp was a little up, 146/96, but I attributed that to the stress of the day. I was given a bed in triage (a different bed than last year), and began my morning of waiting.
Sr med student came in first, and could have been straight out of ER or grey's or some tv show. Of course, the day I need a speculum exam the med student is ridiculously attractive and I feel like a chubby blob. I prayed for a female resident. No such luck. He wasn't quite as attractive as the med student, but still very good looking, and I was not impressed that these people would be examining me. Even the attending was a male. Normally I couldn't care less about such things, but I was a little uncomfortable yesterday.
Nurse came back. Bp was 150/104.
In the meantime triage filled up. The woman in the bed next to me was a week overdue and her water had broken. She was hooked up to fetal monitors until her doctor arrived. Happy birthday, baby, she said to her belly while rubbing it. Her husband gave her a hug and kissed her tummy. God, you forget what a happy place L&D is for most!
A blood curdling scream came from somewhere down the hall. A second later it was the first cries of a newborn. Everyone cheered.
Nurse came in again. Extra dose of meds for me. Mess of bloodwork to test for all the regular HELLP stuff- liver, etc. Gorgeous Med Student came in all concerned, rubbing my arm and asking me if I was ok.
(I was ok. I just wanted the hell out of L&D.)
Finally, we got around to the speculum test. They wanted Gorgeous Med Student to do it, supervised by both resident and attending. Female nurse was down there too for good measure. Dear God.
Of course, BP was not going down. It was mid afternoon when they told me they were admitting me for observation, and were going to try and get me a biophysical for the next day. The speculum tests came back fine, it was not amniotic fluid thankfully. They made me wait until my bp had stabilized some and then I was sent to the maternity floor.
Now, as a babylost mom in a high risk pregnancy, the maternity ward is not the best place to be. There are, of course, moms and babies everywhere. Lots of flowers and "It's a --" balloons. It's a very happy place. They thankfully gave me my own room, and it thankfully was at the very end of the hall, so I slept. I had many doppler heartbeat checks, kick counts and a non-stress test, more bloodwork. Truly wonderful care, if maybe a bit much.
Bp came down nicely. It was all L&D's fault.
This afternoon we had the biophysical. First time in that room since Charlotte. Bumblebee is doing well, scored an 8/8. I am a little worried about the measurements. Last time we had an ultrasound, I was 21w5d by dates, and the ultrasound came back at 22w2 days, so we were 4 days ahead. Today I was 24 weeks (YAY btw!), and we're now 23w5d. So, behind 2 days. In my mind, I lost 6 days of growth. The ultrasound tech (who was super super nice) and my MFM both said it's totally within "range" of measurements and baby looked great. The dopplers looked good, but (and this could totally be my mind messing with me), they didn't look as good as they did at the 18w u/s.
Anyway, they said he looked great, and my bp was stable all night, so I got discharged.
The stress of it all.
I'm home again now. Things are going as good as they could be. Bee is measuring 1lb5oz now or 600 grams, which is great. Dr MFM said she wants us to double (at least) that weight. Dr ObGYN said she wants it x4. Still so very far to go.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
anniversary days
Today, M and I have been married for two years. It feels like so much longer when I think about how much has happened in that time. But, two years is all it is.
Today is also the anniversary of Charlotte's due date. How fun that was at first, when we realized our first child was due on our first wedding anniversary. Of course, it turned into a bad joke, when we realized after her death that we would never be able to purely celebrate our anniversary. Not even once.
We have the requisite dinner reservation tonight, at an uber expensive trendy restaurant we've never tried. I'm sure it will be great. M is at work today. I'm going to watch more OC and maybe go to the cemetery to water Charlotte's flowers as it's hot and sunny today. Bumblebee is kicking away and I'm uncomfortably round and warm. Typical pregnancy aches and pains. No biggie.
BP is okay. I feel ok. We'll hit the 24-week mark on Friday which is terrifying and exciting all at once.
Everyone- mom, MIL, family and friends have been bugging me about having a baby shower. I am not at all interested- the thought of going to a shower is nauseating, the thought of being the guest of honor at one is truly awful. I appreciate their thoughts as I know they just want to celebrate that, in their view, all is well and things are going sooo much better this time, but there is no way I can stomach it. Ugh. Games and diaper cakes and rattle-shaped cookies, streamers and blue balloons, a room full of people who are treating me like a blissful pregnant woman and oohing and aahing over this, my first baby. OMG no. I'll do without the gifts. And I'm supposed to open presents without crying? Are you kidding?
I was talking to my sister last night and she too spoke of a shower, maybe after the baby is born? I told her I wasn't interested. That's not like you, she said, obviously disappointed.
I've heard that a few times lately. Not like who? Do you remember the Heather from wedding day two years ago, because she would have jumped at a shower. She would have been the life of the party. Not now. I don't like large groups of people anymore, I hate making small talk, and I sure as hell don't want a baby shower. Everything has changed inside. To the outside world, even to my dear sister, nothing has changed really. Everyone has seemed so truly surprised when I've said, very definitively, that I don't want a stupid shower.
I don't know why I'm surprised. I've been so self-enclosed for the past 15 months. I've been quiet, reserved, house-bound. I shouldn't expect people to know what I would want now. I hate people treating this like my first baby. I know what to expect with the c-section. I've felt these kicks before and I know the crazy rush of love when you meet your baby. I know all these things, I've been there. Just because, as it stands now, bumblebee has a decent chance of coming home, doesn't erase Charlotte. I hate that everyone seems to think that a good pregnancy/hopeful happy ending erases my baby girl.
Today is also the anniversary of Charlotte's due date. How fun that was at first, when we realized our first child was due on our first wedding anniversary. Of course, it turned into a bad joke, when we realized after her death that we would never be able to purely celebrate our anniversary. Not even once.
We have the requisite dinner reservation tonight, at an uber expensive trendy restaurant we've never tried. I'm sure it will be great. M is at work today. I'm going to watch more OC and maybe go to the cemetery to water Charlotte's flowers as it's hot and sunny today. Bumblebee is kicking away and I'm uncomfortably round and warm. Typical pregnancy aches and pains. No biggie.
BP is okay. I feel ok. We'll hit the 24-week mark on Friday which is terrifying and exciting all at once.
Everyone- mom, MIL, family and friends have been bugging me about having a baby shower. I am not at all interested- the thought of going to a shower is nauseating, the thought of being the guest of honor at one is truly awful. I appreciate their thoughts as I know they just want to celebrate that, in their view, all is well and things are going sooo much better this time, but there is no way I can stomach it. Ugh. Games and diaper cakes and rattle-shaped cookies, streamers and blue balloons, a room full of people who are treating me like a blissful pregnant woman and oohing and aahing over this, my first baby. OMG no. I'll do without the gifts. And I'm supposed to open presents without crying? Are you kidding?
I was talking to my sister last night and she too spoke of a shower, maybe after the baby is born? I told her I wasn't interested. That's not like you, she said, obviously disappointed.
I've heard that a few times lately. Not like who? Do you remember the Heather from wedding day two years ago, because she would have jumped at a shower. She would have been the life of the party. Not now. I don't like large groups of people anymore, I hate making small talk, and I sure as hell don't want a baby shower. Everything has changed inside. To the outside world, even to my dear sister, nothing has changed really. Everyone has seemed so truly surprised when I've said, very definitively, that I don't want a stupid shower.
I don't know why I'm surprised. I've been so self-enclosed for the past 15 months. I've been quiet, reserved, house-bound. I shouldn't expect people to know what I would want now. I hate people treating this like my first baby. I know what to expect with the c-section. I've felt these kicks before and I know the crazy rush of love when you meet your baby. I know all these things, I've been there. Just because, as it stands now, bumblebee has a decent chance of coming home, doesn't erase Charlotte. I hate that everyone seems to think that a good pregnancy/hopeful happy ending erases my baby girl.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Sometimes it's the little things...
In the early weeks and months after Charlotte died, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that made me feel better. I remember mom taking me to the mall and practically begging me to choose something for her to buy me, and there was nothing I wanted. It was all just stuff, and it was irrelevant. I didn't want a new purse or shoes or even a new sofa. I just wanted my baby, and I couldn't have her.
Fast forward to today, and my lust for stuff never has really returned. Now it's even simpler things that can brighten my day.
A few in the past week:
We rearranged our living room and it looks 2x the size. I really don't know why we didn't do this earlier. I feel like I moved into a bigger house.
We got a new drawer organizer for our cutlery drawer in the kitchen. It makes me undeniably happy that my dessert and dinner forks are now separated.
I cleaned out the fridge and now there's room in there to actually see what we have.
The strawberries are ripe in our strawberry patch.
The power company installed a new streetlight just up the road and now it's not nearly so dark out there.
My MFM mentioned Charlotte and called her by name at our appointment yesterday.
Little things. Free things.
M still loves his stuff. I broke down afterwards and let him order his fancy sports car a few months ago. It should be here on Friday, and he's so very excited. Boys and their toys.
Bumblebee is kicking away. We start biophysicals 2 weeks from tomorrow. Things are going ok. I'm holding my breath.
In the meantime I think I'm going to go eat some of my strawberries.
Fast forward to today, and my lust for stuff never has really returned. Now it's even simpler things that can brighten my day.
A few in the past week:
We rearranged our living room and it looks 2x the size. I really don't know why we didn't do this earlier. I feel like I moved into a bigger house.
We got a new drawer organizer for our cutlery drawer in the kitchen. It makes me undeniably happy that my dessert and dinner forks are now separated.
I cleaned out the fridge and now there's room in there to actually see what we have.
The strawberries are ripe in our strawberry patch.
The power company installed a new streetlight just up the road and now it's not nearly so dark out there.
My MFM mentioned Charlotte and called her by name at our appointment yesterday.
Little things. Free things.
M still loves his stuff. I broke down afterwards and let him order his fancy sports car a few months ago. It should be here on Friday, and he's so very excited. Boys and their toys.
Bumblebee is kicking away. We start biophysicals 2 weeks from tomorrow. Things are going ok. I'm holding my breath.
In the meantime I think I'm going to go eat some of my strawberries.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ultrasound #4
1 lb 1 oz, or 480 grams. That's where little bee is now. I measured well ahead of the 21w5d that I was supposed to be, and bumblebee has surpassed his big sister by 100 grams, even with three weeks of growing left to do before he catches up time-wise.
To say I'm relieved is an understatement. There's something about it that's so sad though, as I think about how small Charlotte really was, how far she was from real viability. What was so different? Unless this love.nox really does work miracles (and maybe it does), there's nothing that different in this pregnancy. I know what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty that all of a sudden my body has figured out how to grow a baby in the second trimester. Why it couldn't figure it out for her I'll never know.
Of course, the threat of pre-e, HELLP, abruption, all of that is still iminent. Growth could slow or stop at any time. BP is erratic at best. The past few days it's been steadily creeping up again, with bottoms over 100 occasionally. Probably an increase in meds soon. My heart is still doing that crazy irregular thing, and it's gotten a lot worse this week. It's driving me crazy. All of my doctors assure me it's benign, but it's extremely annoying.
From what I've read, 1000 grams is real viability. At the rate we're going, we'll hit that about 27-28 weeks. Six more weeks. Six more weeks. I can do it. Bee can do it.
To say I'm relieved is an understatement. There's something about it that's so sad though, as I think about how small Charlotte really was, how far she was from real viability. What was so different? Unless this love.nox really does work miracles (and maybe it does), there's nothing that different in this pregnancy. I know what happened to Charlotte wasn't my fault, but it still makes me feel guilty that all of a sudden my body has figured out how to grow a baby in the second trimester. Why it couldn't figure it out for her I'll never know.
Of course, the threat of pre-e, HELLP, abruption, all of that is still iminent. Growth could slow or stop at any time. BP is erratic at best. The past few days it's been steadily creeping up again, with bottoms over 100 occasionally. Probably an increase in meds soon. My heart is still doing that crazy irregular thing, and it's gotten a lot worse this week. It's driving me crazy. All of my doctors assure me it's benign, but it's extremely annoying.
From what I've read, 1000 grams is real viability. At the rate we're going, we'll hit that about 27-28 weeks. Six more weeks. Six more weeks. I can do it. Bee can do it.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
21 and 4
I'm still pregnant. 21w4d now. Tomorrow is ultrasound #4, and if bumblebee is growing how he should, he will now be bigger than Charlotte was at birth. She was 3 weeks growth restricted so the size of a 21 week baby. So, so small. I have trouble with the fact that bumblebee is passing her, even though he must, he absolutely must. It's sad though, for some reason.
I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.
On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.
Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.
Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.
I've been feeling swollen and bloated, and have been eating too much ice cream. It was unseasonably hot, and now unseasonably cold, which suits my mood just fine. The typical summer vacation mode/carefree attitudes/sprinkler running summer is out of my reach this year. I'm in cocoon mode.
On Sunday morning, in between thunderstorms and dark clouds, M and I went to our city's only decent park for a little picnic. The last time I was there was back in October, for the Walk to Remember. There's a little clearing there called The Angel's Grove, where every year a tree is planted in memory of the babies who died that year. We went to check on the 2008 tree, which is a stubby little blue spruce and growing just fine. It was unexpectedly emotional. With its stroller friendly paved walking trails, duck ponds and playgrounds, every toddler in this city avails of this park in the spring and summer. I hate that all these lost babies have to be memorialized in trees, and none of them got to run, splash in the water or climb the statues. So unfair. What else is new.
Had a bad BP day yesterday, but it seems ok today. I'm getting to that scary part of the pregancy now, the horrible weeks between almost viability and real viability, the worst time to have a baby. Dr ObGYN wants me in every week now, which is fine with me. I have strict instuctions to head to L&D if I have a headache, a tummy ache, any high BP readings. All symptoms I'm familiar with from last time.
Still watching teen dramas, reading trashy novels and sleeping. That's it. One day at a time.
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