Deja vu

At the risk of having this blog be just "Here's what my blood pressure is doing today", here's the latest with me.

Went to my GP this morning. She's new to me this pregnancy as my other doctor moved, but I LOVE her. She's so on the ball, and I really trust her. Anyway, after showing her my bp readings for the last week, then she checked it herself, the verdict is that I need meds. Yuck. I knew it was inevitable, I was really hoping to have them delayed awhile. She also wants me to give up working altogether which is just as well- I was finished at the university anyway so it just means giving up my church job.

They're working on getting a nurse to come to my house every second day to check my bp "officially", but the program doesn't start until 18 weeks so I have to wait awhile. In the meantime I have to continue to monitor my bp myself and she also gave me the strips to check my urine myself. The fun continues!

So, I have official orders to lie on the couch. That is my new job. I'm not on official "bedrest", but I have to take it as easy as possible.

It's only 12 1/2 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind before this pregnancy is over.

Last night we had friends come over for a visit. They're really lovely friends, have been very supportive, and brought us a little congratulations card with a baby's foot on it that says something like "those little toes will tiptoe into your heart". It is the exact same card that another couple gave us when we announced our pregnancy with Charlotte. Major deja vu. I hope that's the end of deja vu in this pregnancy.

Please grow, little baby. Grow grow grow.

Ugh

Oh, blood pressure, what did I ever do to you???

Since Sunday it's been going up. I've had a couple of good-ish readings like 125/80, but most of them have been higher than 140/90. I had 155/115 once (dropped a few minutes later) and 150/100 a number of times.

Of course, this is the only week since I got pregnant that I don't have a doctor's appointment. I called my GP and will see her Thursday morning. I will not hesitate to go to emergency if it stays really high in the meantime.

This is so, so close to our pregnancy with Charlotte. I can't know exactly because things weren't monitored this closely last time, but I know that somewhere between 12-14 weeks my bp went up. I really wish this wasn't happening. I've been resting as much as possible. I know all the doctors will do would be put me on meds, and they're no help to the baby, so it just sucks all around.

Please grow, little baby.

My MFM is down south, like everyone else around here, but I see her a week from today on her first day back. What a list of questions I will have.

I really, really don't think I could handle another dead baby. This baby HAS to come home.

12W

If I was a regular non-babylost woman, I probably would have woken up this morning with a huge sense of relief that now, on this magic day of 12 weeks, this pregnancy was definitely real, and this baby was definitely coming home.

Even in my new pessimistic, don't-count-your-chickens mentality of dead baby mom, it's still a milestone. Moving closer to the uncertainties of trimester 2, when everything and anything can go wrong.

With Charlotte, my BP spiked somewhere between 12 and 14 weeks. Appointment at 12 weeks- OK, Appointment at 14 weeks- 170/110. I'm resting a lot more now, hoping that I can delay the shift for as long as possible. Keep bumblebee growing on track.

More than anything, I really really want this baby to come home.

M and I went car shopping yesterday. Both of our cars are off lease soon, and we're faced with the ever present dilemma of what we want vs. what we need. M had his heart set on a sporty little car with a million horsepower (for what, I don't know), where as I was pushing the family-friendly SUV. We took Charlotte's stroller with us to test out for size.

Charlotte's stroller and car seat were two of the few things we had bought for her. Along with everything else baby and pregnancy related, they were taken from the house and stored at my in-laws while I was in the hospital recovering last year. Everyone thought it would be too painful to return to a house of baby things. It was painful either way. "Out of sight, out of mind" doesn't work for this.

Anyway, M dug them out of the inlaws basement a few days ago and brought them home in preparation for car shopping. He put it together and pushed it around the house for awhile. It's hard to believe that we never used it. It's even harder to believe that in six months or so there might be a baby in it.

The next month or so will be very telling in this pregnancy. My BP is still ok, but creeping up there. I hope it stays reasonably low. This baby needs to grow.

Updates

The university term ends the same way when you're a prof as it does when you're a student. Gets busy, then really busy, then crazy busy and you forget to eat your lunch, and then it just stops.

I finished on Monday. I'm sitting in my office now, wondering what to do with myself.

Drs are pleased that work is finished. Dr Internist yesterday hmmed over whether or not I should be on BP pills now based on that ambulatory test last week, then decided that since my BP was fine when I was relaxing, and now I have more time to relax, that I can just be monitored for now. Hopefully I'll make it to that sixteen week mark yet.

Heartbeat was good and strong at Dr ObGyn's this morning. She is just the nicest doctor- I went in with a few requests and she was great- we have an extra ultrasound scheduled in a few weeks to touch base on the growth, and an appointment with my MFM to get the hep.arin thing straightened out, and so on. I feel pretty good about it.

M started telling friends yesterday. I wanted to keep it secret for awhile longer but he's been bugging to start telling people. I didn't want to tell myself but I told him if he wanted to he could, so the word is starting to spread. I don't want to talk to people about this pregnancy. I don't need advice and reassurance and all the platitudes that come with it all. I don't really mind them knowing, I just don't want them to talk about it with me. I'll be in hiding anyway, so that's fine.

Oh, platelets have bounced back some- 121 now- which is well away from the danger zone I was in before.

So far, so good.

Sunshine

I wrote awhile back about the challenges with M's job. His CEO had been threatening to cut them back to 60%, then it was a threat to lay him off altogether, and essentially we didn't know one day to the next what was happening with his job. Add that to the fact that he was being treated so poorly at the workplace anyway, and the stress was huge. Stress we don't need. M has been super tense for months now and it was gnawing away at our relationship.

He's been actively looking for another job since Christmas. It's been slow going. He's had interviews, rejections, second interviews, meetings, all kinds of promises but no offers. The economy makes everyone afraid to hire.

Yesterday, a ray of sunshine finally broke through.

He got two offers. In one day. Both very good prospects, with good salaries, good benefits. Interesting projects. He immediately called his current CEO and put in his notice (who was shocked, as I think he thought that there was no way M would find another job, giving him allowance to treat him like crap thinking he had to choice but to stay. Ha!).

So, last night we mulled the options and decided which fit us best. He's at their office submitting the signed offer right now. He starts two weeks from yesterday.

Yesterday, I got my husband back. The personality shift was amazing- there are smiles and hope now where a couple of days ago there was only despair and frustration. We went out to a restaurant last night and it was the first time since pre-Charlotte that we felt like us, that we were smiling and laughing and giggling and, well, happy? Such a nice change.

Let's hope it's also good for my bp. I'm back to the hospital this afternoon to meet with Dr Internist and see what we can do to get me as far in this pregnancy as possible. Tomorrow is Dr ObGyn.

Thanks to all of you who chimed in to help with my last post- thanks for the links- many of those ideas were new to me and I'll try anything! I'm on the baby aspirin and calcium now (been taking that since before I got pregnant) and my doctors say that they aren't convinced that hep.arin is necessary for me but that I can have it if I want it (and I do), so I'll be starting that evil stuff soon. Yesterday was also my last day at work so I'm officially taking it easy now. I'm going to keep my private students and my church job as long as I can. That's only about 10 hours a week so hopefully I can keep that up until the school year's over at least.

Did I mention that it's sunny today?

Bad developments....

I am not doing so well.

Easter went by uneventfully. My parents made their visit- there was no mention of Charlotte or her birthday or even the current pregnancy. We went out for dinner and to church for Easter Sunday and to my inlaws for turkey, and it was impersonal and quiet and fine, and I couldn't wait for it all to be over.

I had an ambulatory blood pressure test this week. I went to the hospital and they hooked me up with a bp cuff and a little belt-mounted monitor, and it went off every 30 minutes for 24 hours. It was rather enlightening.

I was in the grocery store buying milk and it went off. I stood completely still for the requisite 30 secs until it finished, then checked the number.

156/105

Not good. It was the same most of the afternoon. It went down to 140/90 while I was doing deskwork.

While lying on the couch watching tv it went down to 127/77 which wasn't too bad. As soon as I was up and about again, it was back in the 150s/100s.

So, I brought it back to the hospital yesterday morning. There was a message from the nurse when I got home, saying that my internist looked at the numbers and wants to see me back at the hospital on Tuesday. Great.

So, I think it's just a matter of a couple of days until the bp pills are back in my life.

I was really, really, really hoping to make it to at least 16 weeks before I had to start meds. I'll be 11 weeks on Sunday. With Charlotte, we started meds at 14 weeks and we all know how that turned out. I figured if I could just make it past 14 weeks this time there might be hope that baby will grow big enough. Now I'm so confused, I don't know what to think.

I know the high bp affects the baby's growth. It's not a death sentence (lots of people go on to have healthy babies with high bp throughout pregnancy) but my track record sucks. My MFM explained to me over and over again the the bp pills are for my benefit only- it doesn't change the effects the high bp has on the baby. So, I'm wondering if I bring my bp down naturally just by lying around and not doing anything, does that help the baby? Or are the effects still present?

I'm worried, which doesn't help, and M is worried, and everyone seems to think there's an answer to all of this that we're just not looking hard enough for. I have a real hard time convincing people that there's so little you can do to prevent pre-e, nothing you can do to fix it (except deliver), and no, there is no magic pill I can take to make this all go away. Medicine just doesn't know the answers.

I'm just so sad. I feel like I'm heading down Dead Baby Lane once again.

I have a big list of doctor's appointments next week and lots and lots of questions. Too bad there are so few answers.

Happy Easter

Thanks to everyone for your supportive comments on and around Charlotte's birthday. I really don't know how I would be managing without you all. You make me feel like I belong somewhere.

Even though we have officially passed the one-year mark, we still have our first Easter to manage. Last year I was chowing down leftover chocolate when I was admitted to the hospital as Easter was way earlier.

Easter is one of my favorite holidays. I love the colors, the hope of spring, the longer hours of sunlight, all of it. I love bunnies and eggs and all of the symbols. I love the Easter hymns and the joy of the music after the gloominess of Lent. Such a refreshing holiday.

Of course, this year a lot of the meaning isn't there. What else is new.

My mom and dad are coming tomorrow for the weekend. I'm anxious to see how it will go. There was no mention of Charlotte's birthday, first nor last, and I really think they forgot. I'm anxious to see if they will clue in when they see the flowers from our minister and the half eaten butterfly cake still on the counter.

I'm almost 10 weeks into this pregnancy now. I'm settling into the belief that I just might be in this for the long haul. Our ObGyn was elated at our early ultrasound results, and she says my uterus is measuring right on. I don't know what to think really. Part of me really believes that this baby is going to come home in the fall, and the other part of me is thinking who am I kidding. So many strikes against me.

I had a follow up appt with my hematologist, and my platelets have stabilized at over 100, so there's no cause for real concern there right now. The bad news is that my iron levels are dangerously low, and that's not good. I was already taking an iron supplement in addition to the prenatal vitamin, but it wasn't helping. Not only does it mean that I have extra fatigue added to the typical first trimester tiredness, but it also increases my chances for a preterm and/or IUGR baby. Great. Just what I need- extra stats against me there.

So, I have to start a prescription strength iron supplement and hope that helps.

I am starting to show, a little. I like that, but it's going to make the secret-keeping a little trickier. I already have mat clothes so at least I don't have to risk running into anyone at the one and only maternity store in town. My normally proportionate waist is now square, and most of my bras are too small. Tummy is getting round. Oh dear. I really hope I can hide this for a few more weeks without arising too much suspicion. This is earlier than I showed with Charlotte, but I think you're supposed to show earlier the second time around.

Happy Easter, everyone.

Remembering is a lonely road

Charlotte's birthday went as expected.

We went to the cemetery to place the balloons. We bought three foil helium balloons, one with a teddy bear wearing a tiara that said "1st Birthday Princess" and two other little-girl birthday balloons. I looked at my shoes the entire time I was in the store so the salespeople wouldn't comment on them.

We weighed them down at the base of her stone and anchored them so they wouldn't blow away in the wind. It was warm, for a change, so we stayed a few minutes and the reality that I was placing birthday balloons at a cemetery struck me. It was sad, of course.

We got back in the car and drove to the end of the road to turn around, and saw a women walking a small dog come over the hill towards us. Charlotte's grave is right next to the cemetery road, so anyone walking or driving past sees it. The balloons caught her attention. She stopped by Charlotte's grave.

She must have stood there for five full minutes, looking down. I wonder what she was thinking. She probably read the inscription and the dates and then looked at the balloons and made the connection that it was one year today, and how sad that is, there are first birthday balloons on this baby's grave. Sad indeed.

We waited in the car until she walked by. Before we got a chance to get going again a car slowed down by Charlotte's grave. The couple got out, probably to see why in hell there were balloons in the cemetery. They too paused for quite awhile.

I admit that it made me a little happy. I guess in my heart of hearts that's part of the reason I wanted balloons at the cemetery- so people, even though they were strangers- would realize it was my baby girl's birthday and think of her.

When we got home there was a small vase of flowers tucked into our mailbox with a card, from my former minister who was there for Charlotte's birth and baptized her. That was so sweet of her, even though I haven't seen or talked to her in months.

Other than that, no one else in real life remembered. Not my friends, not my mom or dad, not even my sisters.

By the end of the day I was furious- a true distraction from the grief- that I hadn't heard from anyone. I just couldn't believe that people so close to me would neglect to mark the day in some way- no phone calls, emails, nothing. It was eerily quiet.

I said before that I didn't expect anyone to remember. I don't know why it made me so angry.

I think, after you've walked the dead baby grief path for awhile, that all you end up wanting is your baby to be remembered. It's so easy for everyone to be taken up in their own lives and forget. I've accepted that Charlotte is not here and never will be here. We're hoping for the best for this current pregnancy. All I want for Charlotte now is for her to be remembered, for her to count.

It's so exhausting to have to do all the remembering by yourself.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday, little Charlotte.

We miss you. So, so much.

***

I had a horrible night last night. It was the first really agressive cry I've had in a long time - you all know, the type of crying that leaves you gagging and choking. The injustice of everything reared its ugly head once again, and I sobbed for the day Charlotte should be having today, I sobbed for all the things she never got to do or see, and I sobbed for everything we've lost over the past year.

There are very few memories since last April. It's mostly a blur, really. In some ways it feels like forever, and in other ways it's hard to believe that it's been 365 days since the words "immediate delivery" came out of my MFM's mouth.

We have our fancy dinner reservations tonight, and at least it's something to distract me. Between now and then we're going to bring balloon's to Charlotte's stone, and then make a butterfly-shaped birthday cake from scratch. Just M and I, and Charlotte.

There she is, my sweet girl, with her dad. A few minutes after she was torn from my tummy; I was still in surgery when this picture was taken. She was still alive, still gasping for air.

What a year this has been.