Well, it looks like I did ovulate this month. And we timed everything just right. So, maybe, just maybe, I'll get good news in 10 days or so.
In an attempt to re-socialize ourselves with friends, we invited over a few couples last night. We've seen our babyland friends periodically, and although I have made no further attempts to spend time with their baby, I don't really mind spending time with them.
It was an awful night, really. It still amazes me how alone I can feel in a room of friends. My pregnant friend arrived first. She's just entering her 2nd trimester, and is anxiously planning life with two children under two. She had lots of questions about our intentions for a future baby. And I outright lied. It just came out. I couldn't tell her that we were trying, that we may even be pregnant already for all I know. I told her the verdict from our MFM and beyond that, we really didn't know what we were going to do.
I figured the question would come up. We're far enough out now that people are expecting the second pregnancy, wondering when the big announcement will be. I didn't intend on lying, in fact, I was kind of thinking maybe I would tell them that we were trying.
But when asked, I just couldn't.
I'm not really sure. I don't want to tell anyone. I haven't told my sister, my mom, anyone. If we do get pregnant I don't think I want to tell anyone that either. M and I talked about it this morning, and I told him I don't want to tell anyone until I have no choice because I'm sick or showing or something. It will be my secret, our secret.
I'll tell you all, and you're the only people I want to tell.
I'm not sure really why I'm so hesitant. I'm worried that a pregnancy will make people think I'm "all better", and I'm dreading people telling me that everything will be ok this time when we all know there are no guarantees. I'm dreading people wanting me to pick out baby things and get excited. I'm dreading all of that much more than the anxiety of the actual pregnancy.
So, until absolutely forced to tell, I think we're in secret.
My other two friends arrived shortly afterwards. The men all went off to the basement to look at tools and discuss manly-type things. I sat with the girls while there was a full discussion on the pros/cons of infant swimming lessons, "family fun days" at random workplaces, the best locations for baby pictures. Obviously I had nothing to add. Eventually I got the question from them as well, what we were planning to do. I lied again. Made it seem like it was way too much risk to even contemplate.
No one really said anything. At one point, one of the girls said you must be glad the one-year anniversary is coming up, to get past that point and forget about the past year and move forward.
Move forward, yes, forget, no.
I can't remember what life was like a year ago, I said.
Life was good, my other friend replied.
I went to bed last night completely emotionally drained, and missed Charlotte more intently than I have for a long time. I miss my baby. I miss myself.
5 comments:
My fingers are crossed for you!
I know what you mean about not tellign anyone. I'm not sure I want to tell anyone until after the baby is born. And we certainly haven't told anyone that we are trying. I don't think I could take the pity if we don't actually ever get pregnant again.
I had the same feelings about not telling anyone. I didn't tell most friends until I was almost 4 months, and I didn't tell my workplace until I was 20 weeks. However, I did tell my blog friends early, because I needed the support. I have found that most people assume that this pregnancy will turn out fine, and that it somehow will make everything better. Very few people understand that there is no forgetting and that we will always mourn the children that we lost. I am crossing my fingers for you that you get good news in the next couple of weeks.
I hate how no matter how well meaning, most people can never say anything right and it upsets us. I am sure your friend was trying to relate and make small talk in her comment about the one year annivesary but that is enough to make me want to rip someone's head off. It will not change a damn thing, it's just a number. Fuck! So many times I have wanted to backhand friends for just not getting the picture, nothing will fix this ever.
I am hoping for good news for you - for months and years of good news. We are approaching the time when we can try again, and I don't want to tell anyone either. I don't want people to think we're fine because of it, & I don't want to jinx anything (when/if there's something to jinx) by letting people know.
Thinking of you and your Charlotte, and wishing things weren't so hard.
After my husband and I are done with our break, and if I do get pregnant that will be my plan as well. I don't want to tell anyone either. I was frustrated after this last chemical pregnancy that my mom had asked if we were still "doing all that stuff". So I reluctantly told her that I had a positive test, only to have the pregnancy tests turn negative a few days later. I told her to not ask me about that stuff again. I don't want to have to waffle around answering or to tell before I'm ready. It's already going to be hard with people offering me wine everywhere I go.
I'm sorry to hear what your friends said and that it upset you. I think sometimes people's curiosity gets the best of them or they just talk to fill up the air space. They don't really think about what they're saying or they think that you'll appreciate that they're taking an interest. In my experience I've found that people can't get it right no matter what they do. I suppose if I go around thinking that and they do say something comforting then at least I will be pleasantly surprised, and if they stuff their foot in their mouth then it's what I expected anyway. It's a crappy outlook, I know. It's just me trying to protect myself.
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